Monday, September 13, 2010

Just Saying...

I'm pretty sure that the older I get, the less I know for sure. When I was younger, I "knew" everything in the mainstream was "wrong" and I wanted to rebel against it. Now, I'm not so sure... I don't feel as opinionated anymore. I think it's because I now understand people can't be as easily judged as I once believed. In fact, I try now to be as non-judgmental as possible because you can never tell from the outside what someone is enduring on the inside. I've lived the majority of my adult years trying to trust that the universe has better things in-store for me, but blind faith is also a difficult test of character.... In the end, I feel that it's just better to live and let live. Attempting to resist the natural urge to make snap judgments and thus be withheld from the same.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Night Shade

Let's go for a walk
and talk in rambling tones.
We'll sneak through the
cemetery and drink beer
on the graves. Let's lay face
up in the grass and stare
at stars. I want you to
tell me all of your what's,
where's and how's.

After you've finally
worked up the nerve
to share something
real, we'll roll on our sides
and you can brush leaves
off my shirt. Then, right
there on that grave of
Rosey May, beneath
that inky black sky,
your heart will join mine.


Even though I stand here,
I look ahead
squinting my eyes against
the bright shine of you.

The sudden light reveals
that look of empty loss,
which can only
be detected by catching
you off guard
or, by seeing you
out of the corner of my eye.

You hide it when looked
at directly, denying it
even exists.

It makes me wonder
what bit into your flesh
and ate your soul
almost so completely.
It feels as though you
somehow blame yourself
for allowing it to happen.

Maybe you made a deal
in the wrong dark alley?
It might just possibly be
how people look
after years of not
knowing when,
but, that definitely
one day; someone is
coming to collect
what they wagered.

Saturday, May 08, 2010


I'm just at the point where the word annoyed does not aptly describe how I feel. I cannot suffer fools gladly no matter how hard I try to see the common ground. I want to look at certain people and just scream in-cohesive statements out of pure frustration. I seriously do not understand how a brain could lack so many basic skills of common sense. I think my own head is going to explode if I keep thinking about this topic and those that it concerns.......................and I hate this judgmental part of myself, but for christ's sakes what am I suppose to do?

Wednesday, May 05, 2010


This owned part of my soul
I sold to you so long ago
can not help
(by nature or cosmic obligation)
but to let you back in.

I try to fight
the good fight
(with soul wrenching resistance)
only to get knocked
from the figurative ring.

I argue with my head
but the heart always wins.
Like a bug drawn towards light
I bang myself into her
again & again.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Balancing the Beasts

Two nights ago, I dreamt of a huge balance scale in the middle of a field. I remember feeling relieved that someone had finally built it. I thought to myself that there's now something large enough to weigh the really big things.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Great Expectations

I lay on a couch that I have never seen. Located in a room that I've never been in. Inside a house that is not mine. On a street, in a town I know nothing about. With a feeling no different than usual. Once again, not as I hoped. In a struggle for an equal I never find. Holding a heart still half broke.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

The sum of 4

The wrongs and rights
The comings and goings
The unfairness of past
love and war
All fell aside with
those four words,

I’m in the hospital.

Friday, April 02, 2010


I'm outta bed and onto
the street within half
a minute. The sounds
are only reaching my
ears like I'd been listening,
in close proximity,
to loud music.
I feel sorta underwater or
distant from everyone
else. No one notices
and I make a point
not to panic. I
enter the next dark
and ambient 4 o'clock
bar I can find.
Give me a pint of
Gumball Head, I whisper.
I glance sideways to
see which sideways
glances are peering at
me. The usual suspects
oblige my eyes.
I'm thirstier than
I ever remember
having been.
The bits and the
pieces of the half
spoken sentences enter
my half heard brain.
In four long pulls
the glass is empty.
My hands are shaking
and the room
suddenly seems so
loud that it's quiet.
I wonder why she
keeps looking at
me. I watch her
stand-up and motion
for me to follow along
outside. She tells me
I was starring. Then
she takes me by the
hand and says to
be still. I close
my eyes and when
her mouth meets mine,
I remember this
moment from the
dream that awoke me.

Peter Parker

Suddenly I'm reminded
of that stunning black &
white picture.
Head thrown back.
Eyes closed,
wide grin.
That was then.
Who are you now?
"Just Peter Parker"
she says,
"waiting to be Spiderman again."

For my son

I know
he's out there,
on that
same fringe.

I think
he's struggling
to understand
it all too
impossibly well,
in his own
struggling way.

He doesn't
know that
I understand
the things that
it's not fair
that he
ought to.

It's a blessing
and a curse,
this life
of precise

This cumulative average
and output
of self-imposed


A partition
in your head
between you
and them.

from the ability
to feel keenly,
too much,

Thursday, April 01, 2010

In Essence

When I look into her eyes my smile comes from such a place of peace. When she takes me in her arms, I feel all upside down and safe. I can not imagine what she sees. I hope that it's love..even when I can't express it any other way than to tell her goodbye. Setting her free to find the something better I know she deserves.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Magic Soaking My Spine

The peace and stillness in my heart
felt so wonderful while it lasted.
Like water dripping off my
hair after just having been washed by
the golden hands of an imagined goddess.

My inner spaces seemed to have been
aired out and wrung dry. 
They were clean,
bright white and freshly scented,
 with fabulously,
sparkly, crisp edges.

I never thought the thoughts of this
possible possibility
to even be really
possible (ever at all).
The universe knew that I knew.
It told me so when the mail arrived
the day before my decision was
even thought of.

When the words were spoken,
it sounded like she'd suddenly dislodged
piece of hard candy from HER throat.
I thought it must be have been
a hastily spoken alternative. 
A red-herring meant to uncover a
hidden head still
buried in the sand.
Instead, agreement, not argument
With the next leap of faith,
I spoke honestly to love.
She told me to find another way.
I guess she meant it.
(For once, someone that
says what they mean
and means what they say.)

I told her that it wouldn't take HER
long to self-sabotage the
whole deal.
(Sooner than I thought, in fact.)
She said she hoped it
would end up to be true
and that she, herself, would get
the girl in the end.

Either way, it was
almost two whole days of bliss.
I know it will return again.

Progress from the inside out and the outside in.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Holding onto rocks

Last night I dreamt
that I was
a young Tuscan girl
with long,
midnight black,
flowing hair.

I was wearing
a black gauze dress
with no stockings
or shoes on.

I was sitting
on top of a large hill
carpeted with lush
green grass.

My voice
was stuck inside
medium sized
gray rocks
and I was
them open
I had something
to say.

Things I know for sure...

Good Aim

"But, it doesn't HAVE to be this way."
I heard her say
I smile
a halfhearted smile
that she doesn't understand
what it's taken ME
so long to figure out.

It's never been
a choice
or my choice
or HER choice.
Some where
some how
and for some reason
(understood by someone - hopefully)
a big, red circle was drawn
around the spot
that I now stand in.

Caught between
this speeding silver bullet
and the target on my head.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Short Story

Once upon a time...

There was a little girl named, Sublime.  She thought she knew what it was all about.  She thought she had a plan, plain and simple.  Things would fall into place with no effort on her part, just like usual.

Today, all grown up and looking a little tired, she now knows better.

The End

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

The inevitable defeat and other tales of self-inflicted heartbreak.

Once in awhile, a person comes along...
that makes my "hope bone" start to act up.

As simple as a word, gesture, smile, feeling or
next to nothing.
If the fates (or I) allow, we connect.
(black or white - too soon to tell)

"Pour me a big ol' glass of this, cuz I'm thirsty."
...I hear myself say.

That's the moment.
Right then & there.
It's done.
Instant love.
*Just add me*
Atoms smashing, planets colliding, fates allowing,
destiny fullfilled.


Time takes hold and
the newness gets dusty.
My voice gets weary and grows quiet
in direct proportion to your faults being revealed.
I begin an unreliable,
yet steady limp
toward your inevitable feeling of being at fault
for "something".

Those spoken words grow heavy
in the space
between my brain and ears.
They become the first important layer placed
on my newly calibrated
and delicately balanced scale.

Feeling unmasked,
as if I'm seeing you for the first time
with new eyes,
Justice is no longer blind.

From then on,
for reasons as simple as a word, gesture, smile, feeling or
next to nothing,
the tipping scale swings.
*Judge and Jury*

Contractions of inconvenient, annoying, pitiful and
wretched feelings set in.
The final push begins.
A train that can't be stopped.
*Caution ahead*

I brush off my villainous disguise and
give a hardy laugh. 
Hands tied, mouth gagged, and squirming,
I throw your rope-bound body across the tracks.
You never had a chance.

The inevitable defeat
and other tales of self-inflicted heartbreak
has already ended.
*With my condolences*


Blogging about it all was just making me exhausted and having to remember all the details (sometimes best forgotten) was getting to me. Every time I'd read one of my posts, I was taking myself back to when things happened and reliving it all over again. Too hard to 'forgive' when the past was constantly a fresh, glaring reminder of the pain caught in a timeless moment on the written page. Does that make any sense?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Love it seems...

Love it seems, tends to come and then go. Sometimes it is fierce and consuming and deceiving, or maybe that's the wrong word. Maybe love is just always love, no matter how silly it feels afterward. After pushing it's way in, up, through, out and onward. Leaving me feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I believed it, molded it and made it into truth. My truth, even if only for a short while. But, the real truth, whatever that might be, comes crashing in and wakes me up, throws me under a bus, or shines a bright light in my eyes. Makes me see things for what they are(n't).

I keep grasping at the straws that this time aren't falling. I keep reaching for the door only to find that this time it's wide open. I keep going to the windows seeing if they still open - and they do. I don't feel a prisoner. I don't feel suspicious. I don't feel pressured or cramped or angry or scared or sorry or afraid. I keep checking - but it's just not there.

Strange, odd, empty and airy spaces that feel like they once contained something - something monumental - that was - but is no longer there. A large room with white walls, big bright windows with light flooding into the place. Brown hardwood floors, slightly dusty from what was there, now having been moved out. The dust is all that's left and even that is just a trace. The kind of place where you are sure that if you were to listen hard enough, you might be able to hear the voices that once occupied the space. Then you do listen, but all you end up hearing are the sounds of cars on the street below.

It's just gone - whatever it was. And now is the time to see it empty - empty and waiting to be filled with someones next - but not mine - not here. I just needed to see it and believe that it's gone and over. To say goodbye. To walk across the floors for the last time, hearing all the familiar creaks. Feel the light on my face now that the curtains have been removed. It was never anything but this - but a space - where a scene took place.

I whisper a little thank you in the warm sunshiny-ness. Reach for the door that opens with ease, and step out, closing it behind me. I now have space again or for the first time, that I have chosen - on the inside. That's what this odd feeling is. That's why I didn't recognize it. I didn't know what it was and it couldn't tell me. I had to find it on my own.

That's why she's here now. There's room for her to come in. To walk up to me and take my hand. She's letting me put my head on her broad shoulder and she speaks to me. A quiet, comforting, gentle heart that says, "Rest with me. Tomorrow you become new."

Thursday, January 21, 2010

After all...

After all is said
goes by
and you
are still the

that holds
from achieving
each time...

...except this one.