A post on Inger’s blog has me thinking about the concept of “home”. It occurred to me while reading it that I’ve never really had someplace feel too much like “home”.
Of course, I have a house now, but it seems empty. The houses of my childhood also seemed empty. No big family dinners to reminisce about, no wonderful backyard parties, no cookies baking in the oven, no family traditions (maybe those are all “Hallmark card” things and not reality anyway). Basically, there was just not a lot of happiness, but not unhappy either, rather in-between - like I have always felt.
I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone around me that could show me what happiness was like. I’m not sure I know what it is to be truly happy, I’ve never expected happiness for myself, or maybe have just never thought it was obtainable. In a lot of ways my parents were severely unhappy. Married young, worked way too much, relationship started suffering, problems raising my brother, relatives with big issues, etc. No one ever seemed happy or satisfied with his or her lives. The houses we lived in always seemed quiet, impassive and numb. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood, because I didn’t. Materially, I had a lot of things to be thankful for and tons of people had it a lot worse off than us. But emotionally, it’s like we were stunted.
I guess I’ve always mirrored that because I didn’t know it could be any different. As I grew up, I surrounded myself with even more unhappiness with the friends I chose, things I did, and so on. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Julian’s Dad wanted to marry me, but I knew I was in the closet and didn’t want anything to do with him. Two weeks after Julian was born, I came OUT (perfect timing, I know), then moved out. I was on my “own” for the first time and now with a child. Eventually meeting my partner when Julian was just over a year old. It was magical and I was head-over-heels in love. Things seemed right for the first time ever. A few years later we bought our house together. For me, it was a huge deal and I was determined it would become a “home” full of great family memories. I remember being so excited the day of the signing, like I was starting out on a new adventure. Me, HER and my son in a house, like a real family.
I think one of the reasons this separation between HER and me has been so painful is because I treasure our “family”. “We might not have much, but we’ve got each other” type of thing. I wanted Julian to grow up feeling happiness, togetherness, joy, SOMETHING, ANYTHING. The last year or two I have felt the house start feeling more and more empty as the spaces between us widened. The loneliness I’ve always been so familiar with seemed to seep into the foundation and permeate the walls until it finally overtook the whole house and us.
Now, in these weeks since she’s left, after the initial shock wore off, I’ve been feeling like there’s more and more hope each day. I feel like fighting back against that darkness and throwing open all the windows and doors. I feel like standing up and declaring “Enough is enough, I want to be HAPPY.”
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Send your condolences to my liver
I think I finally killed it off this past weekend....
I did lots of good old fashioned drowning of my sorrows.
Somehow it seemed to have worked wonders, at least until I sobered up.
It took until today to finally feel human again, but at least I can say I had fun.
I did lots of good old fashioned drowning of my sorrows.
Somehow it seemed to have worked wonders, at least until I sobered up.
It took until today to finally feel human again, but at least I can say I had fun.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Critique
Once in awhile I like to put my poetry up for review... I'd completely forgot that I'd written this one for HER more than a year ago. I came across it today reading through some of my first posts on this blog. Since most people don't often read through the archives, I thought I'd re-post it for all the new readers. Like to know what people honestly think... is it ok, cheesy, or just plain bad?
_______________________________________________________
The Sun
is one thing I would
not want to be.
The Sun
will never consider
how your mouth
feels (meeting mine)
when I kiss you
alone in the dark.
It (naturally a being of lightness)
would never recognize
the beauty of holding you
(laying asleep)
during hours
of darkness.
Upon it
would be lost
the art and sanctity
of studying your face
in dim light.
The Sun
could not comprehend
feeling the aliveness
(so fiercely I wanted to weep)
of seeing
the meaning of life
(unfolding)
among your thighs
by candlelight.
Nor, will the Sun
ever dwell
in the knowledge of
how exquisite
moonlight tastes
shining freshly
on your skin.
To give up
every next day
under the sun
would be a small
price to pay
for living with you
beneath the moon.
-Sublime
_______________________________________________________
The Sun
is one thing I would
not want to be.
The Sun
will never consider
how your mouth
feels (meeting mine)
when I kiss you
alone in the dark.
It (naturally a being of lightness)
would never recognize
the beauty of holding you
(laying asleep)
during hours
of darkness.
Upon it
would be lost
the art and sanctity
of studying your face
in dim light.
The Sun
could not comprehend
feeling the aliveness
(so fiercely I wanted to weep)
of seeing
the meaning of life
(unfolding)
among your thighs
by candlelight.
Nor, will the Sun
ever dwell
in the knowledge of
how exquisite
moonlight tastes
shining freshly
on your skin.
To give up
every next day
under the sun
would be a small
price to pay
for living with you
beneath the moon.
-Sublime
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Please do not choke me...
Dear blogger friends,
Please do not choke me… But, this is another one about HER. Every day lately is like spinning a wheel, you never know how SHE or I will react. One day fine, the next, not so fine.
I suppose I'm hoping that by baring it all on these pages, it will somehow expose the "dirty secret" of the hell I'm putting myself through so I can come to terms with how I've been acting.
PS: Please excuse the outbursts of foul language.
____________________________________________
4:15 pm - Day One events end
No cell phone reception until 5:00 while driving
5:15 - First call to HER cell phone, as previously
discussed, arranged and agreed to by HER
to talk about Day One outcome - No answer
5:30 - Pick up my son, he wants to call HER
HER cell phone is off (which to me means she saw
that I called at 5:15. Didn’t call me back, want to
talk to me, or give a shit about Day One outcome
- hence phone off)
5:45 – Phone off
7:30 – She answers, “Well? How did it go?”
With my son standing there, I could not talk about it, my head was
splitting open from pain, my heart doing likewise over
her lack of caring/concern. HER, “I’ll call you back later.”
7:31 – 8:29 - Me foolishly thinking she will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me after “Day One”
(these thoughts pretty much were applied throughout the
whole day, not just specified time frame)
8:30 - my son goes to bed, my Xanex has wore off
No call
Panic attack over day’s events setting in
9:45 – No answer, I leave panicked message to please call me back
10:00 – Phone off
10:01 - Nearly hysterical
10:05 – Phone call to house where SHE is staying – no answer
10:10 – (See previous entry, repeat)
10:15 – My phone rings, HER screaming at me that I’m stalking HER
Officially hysterical, now also dealing with the screaming and stalking comment
10:17 – She hangs up on me
1:00 - 4:30 am – Me waking up repeatedly, resuming panicked feelings
5:15 – Calling cell phone (SHE answers on her way to work)
I apologize for previous night’s hysterical outburst
Go on to tell HER about Day One outcome
genuine concern and shock over magnitude of Day One events
Me thinking, “NO SHIT! Really, I hadn’t realized it was such
a bad day.”
10:00 – HER calling me at work, going off about Day One events, feeling a bit of what it was like to be in my shoes.
10:07 - HER, “I’ll call you back.”
Presently – Me foolishly thinking/hoping SHE will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me today to make up for yesterday
...and I'd still be happy if she did actually show up or call.
_____________________________________________________
Really, what the FUCK is wrong with me? After the stress of my day, why did I do this to myself? I see a repeated pattern here – ME! ME! ME! I have no one else to blame, but ME! Why do I think a magical moment from her on the phone is going to heal my every sorrow or save my soul? What she thought of as stalking was me desperately trying to reach out for someone who would have normally comforted me in this time of great stress.
Maybe I should just get my phone disconnected, break my dialing fingers or have my mind erased. Feel free to ridicule me in the comments, I deserve it.
Please do not choke me… But, this is another one about HER. Every day lately is like spinning a wheel, you never know how SHE or I will react. One day fine, the next, not so fine.
I suppose I'm hoping that by baring it all on these pages, it will somehow expose the "dirty secret" of the hell I'm putting myself through so I can come to terms with how I've been acting.
PS: Please excuse the outbursts of foul language.
____________________________________________
4:15 pm - Day One events end
No cell phone reception until 5:00 while driving
5:15 - First call to HER cell phone, as previously
discussed, arranged and agreed to by HER
to talk about Day One outcome - No answer
5:30 - Pick up my son, he wants to call HER
HER cell phone is off (which to me means she saw
that I called at 5:15. Didn’t call me back, want to
talk to me, or give a shit about Day One outcome
- hence phone off)
5:45 – Phone off
7:30 – She answers, “Well? How did it go?”
With my son standing there, I could not talk about it, my head was
splitting open from pain, my heart doing likewise over
her lack of caring/concern. HER, “I’ll call you back later.”
7:31 – 8:29 - Me foolishly thinking she will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me after “Day One”
(these thoughts pretty much were applied throughout the
whole day, not just specified time frame)
8:30 - my son goes to bed, my Xanex has wore off
No call
Panic attack over day’s events setting in
9:45 – No answer, I leave panicked message to please call me back
10:00 – Phone off
10:01 - Nearly hysterical
10:05 – Phone call to house where SHE is staying – no answer
10:10 – (See previous entry, repeat)
10:15 – My phone rings, HER screaming at me that I’m stalking HER
Officially hysterical, now also dealing with the screaming and stalking comment
10:17 – She hangs up on me
1:00 - 4:30 am – Me waking up repeatedly, resuming panicked feelings
5:15 – Calling cell phone (SHE answers on her way to work)
I apologize for previous night’s hysterical outburst
Go on to tell HER about Day One outcome
genuine concern and shock over magnitude of Day One events
Me thinking, “NO SHIT! Really, I hadn’t realized it was such
a bad day.”
10:00 – HER calling me at work, going off about Day One events, feeling a bit of what it was like to be in my shoes.
10:07 - HER, “I’ll call you back.”
Presently – Me foolishly thinking/hoping SHE will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me today to make up for yesterday
...and I'd still be happy if she did actually show up or call.
_____________________________________________________
Really, what the FUCK is wrong with me? After the stress of my day, why did I do this to myself? I see a repeated pattern here – ME! ME! ME! I have no one else to blame, but ME! Why do I think a magical moment from her on the phone is going to heal my every sorrow or save my soul? What she thought of as stalking was me desperately trying to reach out for someone who would have normally comforted me in this time of great stress.
Maybe I should just get my phone disconnected, break my dialing fingers or have my mind erased. Feel free to ridicule me in the comments, I deserve it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
