Night Shade

Let's go for a walk
and talk in rambling tones.
We'll sneak through the
cemetery and drink beer
on the graves. Let's lay face
up in the grass and stare
at stars. I want you to
tell me all of your what's,
where's and how's.

After you've finally
worked up the nerve
to share something
real, we'll roll on our sides
and you can brush leaves
off my shirt. Then, right
there on that grave of
Rosey May, beneath
that inky black sky,
your heart will join mine.

Florescence

This owned part of my soul
I sold to you so long ago
can not help
(by nature or cosmic obligation)
but to let you back in.

I try to fight
the good fight
(with soul wrenching resistance)
only to get knocked
from the figurative ring.


I argue with my head
but the heart always wins.
Like a bug drawn towards light
I bang myself into her
again & again.

In Essence

When I look into her eyes my smile comes from such a place of peace. When she takes me in her arms, I feel all upside down and safe. I can not imagine what she sees. I hope that it's love..even when I can't express it any other way than to tell her goodbye. Setting her free to find the something better I know she deserves.

Magic Soaking My Spine

The peace and stillness in my heart
felt so wonderful while it lasted.
Like water dripping off my
hair after just having been washed by
the golden hands of an imagined goddess.

My inner spaces seemed to have been
aired out and wrung dry. 
They were clean,
bright white and freshly scented,
 with fabulously,
sparkly, crisp edges.

I never thought the thoughts of this
possible possibility
to even be really
possible (ever at all).
The universe knew that I knew.
It told me so when the mail arrived
the day before my decision was
even thought of.

When the words were spoken,
it sounded like she'd suddenly dislodged
piece of hard candy from HER throat.
I thought it must be have been
a hastily spoken alternative. 
A red-herring meant to uncover a
hidden head still
buried in the sand.
Instead, agreement, not argument
ensued.
 
With the next leap of faith,
I spoke honestly to love.
She told me to find another way.
I guess she meant it.
(For once, someone that
says what they mean
and means what they say.)

I told her that it wouldn't take HER
long to self-sabotage the
whole deal.
(Sooner than I thought, in fact.)
She said she hoped it
would end up to be true
and that she, herself, would get
the girl in the end.

Either way, it was
almost two whole days of bliss.
I know it will return again.

Progress from the inside out and the outside in.

Good Aim

"But, it doesn't HAVE to be this way."
I heard her say
I smile
a halfhearted smile
knowing
that she doesn't understand
what it's taken ME
so long to figure out.

It's never been
a choice
or my choice
or HER choice.
Some where
some how
and for some reason
(understood by someone - hopefully)
a big, red circle was drawn
around the spot
that I now stand in.

Caught between
this speeding silver bullet
and the target on my head.

The inevitable defeat and other tales of self-inflicted heartbreak.

Once in awhile, a person comes along...
that makes my "hope bone" start to act up.

As simple as a word, gesture, smile, feeling or
next to nothing.
If the fates (or I) allow, we connect.
*Magic*
(black or white - too soon to tell)

"Pour me a big ol' glass of this, cuz I'm thirsty."
...I hear myself say.

That's the moment.
Right then & there.
It's done.
Instant love.
*Just add me*
(again)
Atoms smashing, planets colliding, fates allowing,
destiny fullfilled.

Until....

Time takes hold and
the newness gets dusty.
My voice gets weary and grows quiet
in direct proportion to your faults being revealed.
I begin an unreliable,
yet steady limp
toward your inevitable feeling of being at fault
for "something".
*Cringe*

Those spoken words grow heavy
in the space
between my brain and ears.
They become the first important layer placed
on my newly calibrated
and delicately balanced scale.

Feeling unmasked,
as if I'm seeing you for the first time
with new eyes,
Justice is no longer blind.

From then on,
for reasons as simple as a word, gesture, smile, feeling or
next to nothing,
the tipping scale swings.
*Judge and Jury*

Contractions of inconvenient, annoying, pitiful and
wretched feelings set in.
The final push begins.
A train that can't be stopped.
*Caution ahead*

I brush off my villainous disguise and
give a hardy laugh. 
Hands tied, mouth gagged, and squirming,
I throw your rope-bound body across the tracks.
You never had a chance.

The inevitable defeat
and other tales of self-inflicted heartbreak
has already ended.
*With my condolences*

Love it seems...

Love it seems, tends to come and then go. Sometimes it is fierce and consuming and deceiving, or maybe that's the wrong word. Maybe love is just always love, no matter how silly it feels afterward. After pushing it's way in, up, through, out and onward. Leaving me feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I believed it, molded it and made it into truth. My truth, even if only for a short while. But, the real truth, whatever that might be, comes crashing in and wakes me up, throws me under a bus, or shines a bright light in my eyes. Makes me see things for what they are(n't).

I keep grasping at the straws that this time aren't falling. I keep reaching for the door only to find that this time it's wide open. I keep going to the windows seeing if they still open - and they do. I don't feel a prisoner. I don't feel suspicious. I don't feel pressured or cramped or angry or scared or sorry or afraid. I keep checking - but it's just not there.

Strange, odd, empty and airy spaces that feel like they once contained something - something monumental - that was - but is no longer there. A large room with white walls, big bright windows with light flooding into the place. Brown hardwood floors, slightly dusty from what was there, now having been moved out. The dust is all that's left and even that is just a trace. The kind of place where you are sure that if you were to listen hard enough, you might be able to hear the voices that once occupied the space. Then you do listen, but all you end up hearing are the sounds of cars on the street below.

It's just gone - whatever it was. And now is the time to see it empty - empty and waiting to be filled with someones next - but not mine - not here. I just needed to see it and believe that it's gone and over. To say goodbye. To walk across the floors for the last time, hearing all the familiar creaks. Feel the light on my face now that the curtains have been removed. It was never anything but this - but a space - where a scene took place.

I whisper a little thank you in the warm sunshiny-ness. Reach for the door that opens with ease, and step out, closing it behind me. I now have space again or for the first time, that I have chosen - on the inside. That's what this odd feeling is. That's why I didn't recognize it. I didn't know what it was and it couldn't tell me. I had to find it on my own.

That's why she's here now. There's room for her to come in. To walk up to me and take my hand. She's letting me put my head on her broad shoulder and she speaks to me. A quiet, comforting, gentle heart that says, "Rest with me. Tomorrow you become new."

After all...

After all is said
and
done
time
goes by
and you
are still the
"one"

that holds
me
back
from achieving
ME
each time...

...except this one.

The Patient Past

She appeared
as if from nowhere,
anywhere but there
or here.
No, I did not know her
or her me,
as unlikely as it seems.
Then - would have made
this - impossible.
Such a distant, patient past
waiting for us to be.
Knowing then
what we didn't
until now.

Then she appears
as I lift my head from sleep.
Anywhere but here seems likely.
No, she is there, still.
Or, is that me?
She wakes
and smiles in my direction
this melty, fuzzy, butterfly filled, perfection.
Such a sight to see that
waiting for it to happen
makes me believe
I want to fall asleep again
with anticipation.

Over Exposed

A light in the shadowy places begins to shine. So many are there, lurking, wanting it to burn out (me and themselves along with it).

I see the reflection of their gnashing teeth and sideways smiles in the mirror behind me (looking at them directly yields no such horrors). Instead of turning around (this time), I step to the side and offer them safe passage. Out of the darkness where they can finally be seen, exposed and set free.

A few come forward tentatively, easily explained. Others slink by and dodge my glance, hoping to go unnoticed. Then a hoard, a loud tumbling mass of arms and legs and angry cries, spill out into my view. Startled - I gasp - then hold my breath rather then smell their seething viciousness and contempt as they pass.

Just when it seems all is clear, I notice a few more cowering in the corner, barely visible. I pull on their subconscious tentacles that are attached somehow to me, but can't loosen the slimy, cold grip. I reach for the silver shears and begin cutting them away, one by one. Money goes loose, fear is set free, worry & anguish are released, the past is hacked off....

SHE is the last to appear, a sheep in wolf's clothing. I open my arms to give her a hug goodbye whisper in her ear and then watch as she disappears.

Say it ain't so

I can't
whisper the words
even to myself

Disbelief
gratefulness
utter
inner
profound
fill up the pit
bottomless
hopefulness
all at
o
n
c
e

Finally....
possibly?
Really?

Never
believed
it would happen
again
not again
but
m
a
y
b
e
truly
afraid to say
it ain't so
for the first time

That
LOVE?
L
O
V
E
could
come
here
now
true

What if?
...I'm dreaming
then as said
before
don't wake me
I want to stay
in this sleep
f
o
r
e
v
e
r
or die happy
at this very
moment

Message of Love - The Pretenders

Now the reason were here
As man and woman
Is to love each other
Take care of each other
When love walks in the room
Everybody stand up
Oh its good, good, good
Like brigitte bardot
Now look at the people
In the streets, in the bars
We are all of us in the gutter
But some of us are looking at the stars
Look round the room
Life is unkind
We fall but we keep gettin up
Over and over and over and over and over and over

Me and you, every night, every day
Well be together always this way
Your eyes are blue like the heavens above
Talk to me darlin with a message of love
Now the reason were here
Every man, every woman
Is to help each other
Stand by each other
When love walks in the roomEverybody stand up
Oh its good, good good
Say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you