Just Saying...

I'm pretty sure that the older I get, the less I know for sure. When I was younger, I "knew" everything in the mainstream was "wrong" and I wanted to rebel against it. Now, I'm not so sure... I don't feel as opinionated anymore. I think it's because I now understand people can't be as easily judged as I once believed. In fact, I try now to be as non-judgmental as possible because you can never tell from the outside what someone is enduring on the inside. I've lived the majority of my adult years trying to trust that the universe has better things in-store for me, but blind faith is also a difficult test of character.... In the end, I feel that it's just better to live and let live. Attempting to resist the natural urge to make snap judgments and thus be withheld from the same.

Balancing the Beasts

Two nights ago, I dreamt of a huge balance scale in the middle of a field. I remember feeling relieved that someone had finally built it. I thought to myself that there's now something large enough to weigh the really big things.

Great Expectations

I lay on a couch that I have never seen. Located in a room that I've never been in. Inside a house that is not mine. On a street, in a town I know nothing about. With a feeling no different than usual. Once again, not as I hoped. In a struggle for an equal I never find. Holding a heart still half broke.

Short Story

Once upon a time...

There was a little girl named, Sublime.  She thought she knew what it was all about.  She thought she had a plan, plain and simple.  Things would fall into place with no effort on her part, just like usual.

Today, all grown up and looking a little tired, she now knows better.

The End

Ain't Love (a) Grand (illusion)?

The end of July/start of August 2009 brought about a flurry of unexpected events in my life. I could write a chronicle of everything that has taken place. However, I think I would rather cut to the chase....

Over the past 3 months or so, I have realized these important things:

1.) I am not ready to be in a committed relationship.
2.) It is what it is.
3.) Sometimes you read the writing on the wall and other times you are the author.
4.) Fat Tire is a truly delicious beer.
5.) I am balancing imperfectly on the tightrope of life.
6.) Try not to take yourself or anyone else too seriously.
7.) Wolves always end up shedding their sheep costumes.
8.) Honesty really is the "best policy" (a very revolutionary concept!).
9.) People living in glass houses rarely consider how clean their own windows are.
10.) Tomorrow is always a new day.

Keep in mind, these are in no particular order :)

The Awakening

I am awakening
from the slumber of desolation
that has been my life
I've rubbed the sleep from my eyes
and can see more clearly than ever

I feel like I have finally gathered enough strength
to begin turning the page
I see my hand reaching down to pick up the pen
and preparing to start writing a new chapter

The sweet sounds of music have returned to my ears
For so long I couldn't bear to listen
because every song was a reminder
Now, the notes and lyrics are like old friends
welcoming me back and telling me I've made
my way through the darkness
Offering me with open arms
a new soundtrack for my life

I've begun to pray again
with gratitude instead of pain
Thankful for these things
that not so long ago seemed apparent disasters
now coming to light as blessings in disguise

A return to self - a bit more each day
Glancing back at the hurt and anger
that has been shed
It looks thin and transparent
with only a hint of the powerful and
suffocating shape that it once held
Now lifeless and crumbling
unable to affect me any longer
I had forgotten who I was
and am starting to feel comfortable
in my new, shiny skin

Seeing I was truly not walking alone through
that thorny and wicked forest
Apparently guiding me silently along the course
through all of my darkest fears
A hand pulling me from the thicket upon which I'd stumbled
Picking me up and pushing me forward
when I decided I could go no further

The driving force of a divine plan that all along
required me to touch the white hot flame
which I thought was singeing my edges, blackening my skin
and starting to consume me in it's smoldering embrace
Simply my twisted perception of the world
as it appeared through the cracks of my own broken glasses

Suddenly I can see
as if my eyesight were restored by means
of some dusty roadside revival tent preacher
I watch the beads of sweat as they drip
from his forehead onto his lapel
before vaporizing into the storm clouds brewing above
In the brightness from the unexpected flash of lightening
I can see that the fire never actually burned me
but instead had cauterized my gaping wounds
With this glorious realization
I heard the exercised demons scream and howl
as they were carried away by the storms strong winds

Now like a Phoenix rising from those ashes
Feeling weightless as a diver about to
reach the surface
I am gloriously free
and ascending toward normalcy

The small, still voice inside me whispers
"Appreciate the lessons of the recent past
and thank the universe for it's wisdom"
As I reach for his extended hand and
he helps pull me from the water
I reply, "I do"

And stand as a fully awakened soul

Honesty

I've debated for two days whether to post this entry. But, as I've said before, if you can't tell your deepest, darkest secrets to a bunch of strangers, then whom can you tell? I've been virtually silent for months, keeping it all inside.

So, here it goes....

Last Wednesday night, I'd had enough - literally reached my limit. Enough pain, hurt, self-pity, guilt, and sadness. I decided I did not want to live to see Thursday.

If you have never personally felt such complete and hopeless despair, then I do not have enough words to make you understand "where I was at" emotionally. If you choose to judge me, do not read any further. If you have "been there", than no explanation is necessary.

I tried very hard to go and it almost worked. But, obviously (and thankfully) it wasn't in the cards. I will leave out the details, better left forgotten.

When I awoke in the hospital someone said to me, "If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have, it's not that hard to do. This was just a cry for help." I looked them square in the face and said, "If I'd have owned a gun, I guarantee I wouldn't be sitting here to hear the stupid comment you just made to me."

Overdosing allowed for a moment of clarity and regret, before falling asleep, which helped to save me. A gun would not have been so forgiving or have let me momentarily re-evaluate my yearning for release. The mistake would have been permanent instead of just the desperate, overwhelming error in judgment that it was.

At the time, I knew my life could be much worse. I knew there were other people surviving through a lot more crap than me. I knew (know) how much I have to live for and be grateful for. I knew how horribly selfish it was to think this was a solution, an easy way out. I knew I was most likely ruining my son's life, but I thought he'd be better off without me. None of those things mattered then, that night.

Simply put, I no longer wanted to be the source of anyone's pain, anger, or disappointment. I now realize that if it had worked, that I would have instead succeeded in forever aligning myself as a source of all those things for the people that love me.

What now? It's got to be "up" from here. This was the bottom I have been plummeting toward for months. Know that love and support (personal and professional) is coming out of the woodwork. At this moment, I feel as if I can now honestly say that I tried absolutely everything within my power to be a failure. None of it has worked. For some unexplainable reason, this has left me feeling stronger and more ready than ever to face my life. After all, there's no other choices left.

Why blog about this? I'm not sure.
What do I expect anyone to say about all this? Nothing much.