Friday, June 04, 2004


The music of Richard Cheese totally personifies my outlook on life. I can't fricking get enough of it.... If you don't know who he is, click here.


Again with the ridiculous newscasts…

Someone should really put me out of my misery by not allowing me to watch the local nightly news. I actually sat through a 5-minute segment last night in which a newscaster took around the new “low-carb Coca Cola” (just the fact that Coke is making such a product is enough to make me heave and possibly give up my lifelong love of the stuff) for people to taste-test it against regular and diet Coke (with the sad state of affairs in the world, I can’t believe they would even air this crap).

First we visited a Fire Department where the five guys participating in the highly scientific analysis obviously had jack-shit else to do. Let me tell you I wouldn’t take taste-test advice from these five guys unless they told me I had to drink the crap before they’d put out the fire engulfing my house.) Well, hooray for Coca-Cola they all liked the new “C2”. I guess we’ll all sleep a little more easy knowing our firefighters are happy with their new choice of caffeinated beverage; or a little more uneasy knowing those are the guys that will be holding the tarp trying to catch me when I leap to my certain death off of a ten story from watching too much stupid news. I tell ya’ Coke couldn’t buy this kind of glowing endorsement…. And I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t if they could.

On with the story… the next place the newscaster went was a fitness gym. We were greeted by 6 Barbie Dolls and one illegitimate daughter all slurping the sludge. One by one they all agreed on the great taste and weighed it against the other soda choices, giving their opinions. One lady kept insisting that she was a HUGE diet drinker, but might now be converted to drinking the new Coke. Anyone that considers themselves to be exclusive diet drinkers, not only has awful taste in pop but should also be shot because they are the sole reason we are getting more and more crappy choices of low-carb crap. (It makes me happy to use the word crap so much when referring to low carb crap.) They are the ones that spawned the whole Atkins/South Beach/carnivorous revolution. They are the whole reason the government plot to infect us with more bovine hormones is working…lol (nice X-Files conspiracy theory tie-in, if I do say so myself).

I think that these low-carbed, more protein than any human should consume idiots, are going to start ripping each other to shreds like cannibals. It’s going to become like a National Geographic photo shoot of the tiger stalking and mauling the zebra, right outside in the hallway of my office building. I can see the bitchy “ice vultures” down in the next suite with their noses pressed to the glass front doors, licking their lips waiting to get what’s left on the carcass of Patty the Receptionist once Dave in Accounting gets his fill of her. In addition, if there’s even one shred of truth to the theories that increased growth hormones in meat are the causes of early maturation in children (accounting for the boom in teenage pregnancy) or that women in their 20’s are getting breast cancer in record numbers, then I don’t think anyone in their right minds should be suggesting such a diet. (Disclaimer: I must say that I am NOT one to give diet advice, because with my thighs as my witnesses, I love to eat.) I just question this whole (possibly unhealthy) trend that the media is perpetuating with stories such as the one I was watching.

So, “C2” was also a slam-dunk with the Barbie’s, but not surprisingly, the kid didn’t like it (maybe hope the next generation “XYZ” or whatever letter we’re down to, is our only hope to stop this madness). But, please god, oh please, make them better newscasters…

My only consolation is that the DIET coke Barbie will probably keel over suddenly from working out too much.