Monday, July 17, 2006


Promise to self:
I will get to 145 come hell or high-water

I have struggled with my weight my whole life. Even though there have been a few rare occasions when my weight was lower, or average, I always still felt fat. Well, I didn't really know what fat was until the last few years when I reached my highest weight ever. I am only 5' 2" tall and I was up to 232 lbs!! I was depressed, exhausted all the time, had no sex drive (because I felt so gross) and my back constantly hurt.

Last August when me and HER broke-up, the weight slowly started to come off. Mostly because I just wasn't eating due to constantly being so upset. In just over two weeks, it will be almost one year since that happened. I am very happy to report that I'm at about 160 - 165 lbs....I'm not sure, because I don't own a scale (so it's my best guess). Yesterday I tried on a pair of men's size 33 shorts and they were slightly big! I almost fell over and couldn't believe it... Nothing in my closet fits me and I've slowly been buying a few items here and there. I cleaned out my dresser last week and was amazed at how huge the pants were that I use to wear. I am definitely now one of those women (like on weight-loss commercials) standing inside a big pair of old pants and holding the waistband out to show how large they used to be!

My goal is 145 lbs. and I WILL reach it. But, since I have dropped the weight a lot of my body is flabby, especially my thighs and underarms. Because of this, I have been trying to exercise about 4 days a week to try and tone up. I do a mix of running and walking on my treadmill and a few arm exercises with my hand weights. I feel 1000% better! I have more energy, I can walk up 3 flights of stairs without feeling like I was about to keel over, and my sex drive is B-A-C-K!

However, I still tend to see myself through "fat eyes". I mean, sometimes I think I look pretty good, but other times I still feel like I'm 232 lbs. It was pointed out to me that I seem to be a bit obsessive about how I look (big surprise there!). So, I am trying to force myself to appreciate how far I've come and to give myself a break. But, it's very difficult to get over this mental image of myself.... My first step was, for the FIRST time since I was a kid, to wear a tank top in public! I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but it is something I never would do before because my arms were so fat. The first time I got ready to go out wearing one, I thought I was going to faint and I felt naked. I asked a friend of mine (before I left the house) if she thought people were going to laugh at me. I really thought it might happen...but, of course it didn't. Now, I'm wearing them all the time and it feels great. The real test might come at swimsuit time :)

Hopefully this doesn't sound egotistical, but it's very strange when I'm out and about shopping, etc. and I notice people (ok, MEN) looking at me. I immediately think my zipper must be down or I have snot hanging out of my nose...or something. It's just been sooo long since people have noticed me, that I'm not use to it. It's all very strange and surreal.

I'll let you know when I make it.