Friday, October 13, 2006

I am not a violent person...

...really, I'm not...but, this guy makes my blood boil. And, that he (AND his wife) could sit there and say that this was acceptable to do, is beyond belief. Some people need serious help, but these people just need to be locked away for 3 years under the same conditions he was forced to live in.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

What to know why school shootings have increased?

This is part of a message sent to me from a Yahoo Group I belong to. It's called the International Coalition For Drug Awareness. You can also visit their website at Due to my own previous experiences with every anti-depressant know to mankind, I believe there is a definite link and something needs to be done about these drugs that are being perscribed like candy. (This will probably be the only time I would EVER list something from Fox News.)

Here's the posting:

Want to possibly know why there's been an increase in school shootings, suicides, and murders by seemingly normal - everyday people, THEN READ THIS!

FOX - VIDEO - National News - School Shooters on Antidepressants
Wed Oct 4, 2006 7:22 pm (PST)


YOU MAY VIEW THE VIDEO FROM THE LINK BELOW:See video here: _ ( (it may take a moment to open depending on your internet connection speed - press the Play button in the middle)

Amish ShootingThere were MANY clues in this case!

This is the list I sent to the reporters covering this case:

You have a normal, average guy who is even a good husband and father, who, out of the blue, goes on a shooting rampage.

You have the horrifying and vivid nightmares that become so real that you cannot tell the difference between them and reality.

You have a fellow who clearly began acting out the nightmares he was having - technically known as a REM Sleep Behavior Disorder (RBD). We now know that 86% of RBD is antidepressant-induced or perhaps more politically correct would be to say that we know that 86% of those being diagnosed with this are on antidepressants.

You have the reason for most docs to give one of the drugs due to the way Charles Roberts felt about losing his baby daughter.

You have a fellow who is armed to the hilt - he overkill is very common in these cases. For some time I have wondered if the AK-47 or other rapid fire weapons and mountains of ammo come with the prescriptions!

You have Charles Roberts stating that even his happier moments would turn to anger - most patients say that is the only feeling they can feel after a while on the drugs.

You have the rambling suicide notes that make little to no sense at all indicating he had gone completely psychotic on the drug.

You have the claims of molesting people who are completely unaware that it ever happened and have now denied it ever happened - signs of hallucinating, which higher levels of serotonin produce.

You also have another sign of high serotonin - the thoughts of pedophilia - yes that is scientifically documented. Why do you think we have so much pedophilia now to insure Bill O'Reilly's job of chasing sex abusers on Fox News? Oh my, what would Bill do without these drugs?

You also have reports coming from Sarah Glick, the little old Amish woman who runs Glick's Heath Store, that he was preparing to visit one of her daughters, who are natural practitioners (both lost family members in this \ntragedy) because he was sick of how he was feeling and wanted to try the natural way. Doesn't that indicate to you he had tried the medical way and it was not working?

So, has anyone asked if he was taking Vitamin P (Prozac or Paxil), or Vitamin Z (Zoloft) , etc.?
I say this because so few people even seem to consider these drugs.

AMAZING! But true. Of course now we have Vitamin E (Effexor) which has "homicidal ideation" listed as a side effect. Definition of homicidal ideation would be continuous ruminating thoughts of killing. Nice side effect, huh? Did wonders for Andrea Yates at the maximum dose!

Sorry if I sound a little cynical, I am just so tired of seeing SO MANY needless deaths. All I had to do was open the Lancaster, PA today and there was yet another case of a fellow on these drugs, Steven Musser, beating a man to death and having no recall - just like patients on these drugs report. When you do these things in your sleep, how are you suppose to remember?

Ann Blake Tracy, Ph.D., Executive Director, International Coalition For Drug AwarenessWebsite: _www.drugawareness.org_ (


Amish Shooting Occurred In An One Room School House Ten children were shot in this tragedy. It Was A Non-Violent Amish Community. Too Many Co-Incidences?

You have a shooter in NC who killed his father and took the gun to school while on Celexa, a shooter in a Toronto college being treated for depression, a shooter in a Colorado High school on antidepressants, a boy in WI who shot and killed his principal who was in an anger management class and being treated for a behavioral disorder and now a massacre at an Amish school.

The rampages all occurred at schools, and the shooters had no motives.

Amish ShootingA truck driver, Charles Roberts, an active Christian and good husband and father who flips out, barricades himself in a schoolhouse, and shoots ten girls, killing five of them and leaving five more hospitalized. The gunman killed himself during a hostage stand off in the one room schoolhouse. He brought lumber to barricade the school house. As he entered the school, he let the males and teachers go, and when police arrived he shot the ten girls execution style with shots to the head.


See video here: _
( (it may take a moment to open depending on your internet connection speed - press the Play button in the middle)

Fox News -- The Big Story With John Gibson FNC 10/04/06 17:17:42:

Tragedies like this one in Pennsylvania and in Colorado last week seem to be inexplicable, but listen to this. More often than not, antidepressants are involved. They found antidepressants in Duane Morrison's jeep. And we know that the F.D.A. warned doctors that antidepressants can cause both suicidal and homicidal thoughts.

In 2002 Douglas Kennedy was the first to expose the link between antidepressants and violence, a report that sparked congressional hears and he's here with us now:

>>Four years ago we showed that seven out of the 12 previous school shooters were either on anti-depressants or withdrawing from antidepressants. And since then the trend has continued with 16-year-old Jeff Wise who snapped while on Prozac, killing nine people and wounding five at his high school in Red Lake, Minnesota.

And moments ago I spoke with Sheila Matthews of, trying to get congress to protect schoolchildren from this kind of violence.

So what do you want congress to do here?

>> I want an investigation into the correlation between the psychiatric drugs and the school shooters. I want toxicity screening done on the school shooters to see if they were on any antidepressants because clearly there's a link.
>> When you had a relative who had a bad time on antidepressants. Describe that to me.
>> My brother-in-law committed suicide while withdrawing from antidepressants, and totally out of character, a loving man, we miss him dearly and we want to prevent this from happening.
>> You run into lots of stories like that?
>> That's right.
>> Describe some of those.
>> Well, as a founder of The Able Child, victims come to us all the time, their children are committing suicide on these drugs and we're very concerned. it's a public health issue.
>> Now lots of new studies show antidepressants, not only do they not prevent suicide, they actually cause suicide and violence.
>> That's correct. >> Why are so many people still taking them?
>> Because the evidence is not being broadcast and I think that it's time with all of . . .

Friday, September 29, 2006

Out of Hiding

Hi all.... if there's anyone left who visits my deserted and much neglected blog.

Just a note to say that I really haven't become a secret agent in hiding, I've just been livin' and lovin' life! But, unfortunately, all that livin' & lovin' hasn't left me much time to blog, save posting The Big Question each day.

My summer seemed to pass in a flash. Filled up with sunshine, a few too many margaritas at times, exercise, weight loss and quite a bit of everything else under the sun. I have truly been enjoying the routine and normality of day-to-day life. It's soooo nice not to be living every day in crisis anymore. I know a while back I would talk about "coming out on the other side" of things, but now I can say I REALLY have. My depression seems to be almost non-existent for the first time in 10 years (The shrink says it's partly due to the exercising), and I'm feeling good about myself in general.

One stunning revelation might be that me and HER have reconnected, rediscovered each other and are currently in the midst of remembering what kept us together for 9 years in the first place. What happened you might ask? Wasn't I miserable for months over HER when she broke up with me last year? Didn't I finally pick myself up off the floor and move on with my life? Yes, to all of those things....

Am I crazy for getting involved with HER again? Maybe, but I think not. We had both gotten to the point where we were each ok and doing fine with out each other. What changed? The answer is simple - she got her act together in a big way and so did I. I feel that if two people can go through all the crap that we endured (literally taken to the brink as you may recall) and end up wanting to start all over again, then either we were meant to be together, or no one else but each other should have to ever put up with us!

I think we both realized that the lessons we each individually learned from our break-up experience were priceless. Afterall, what would it all have been worth if we couldn't then apply those lessons to trying again? I feel we are closer than ever before. I feel loved and appreciated and hopefully I am giving that in return. I know things will never be perfect and disagreements are bound to happen, but it's not the end of the world and doesn't have to be the end of our relationship when it happens. Healing is a process and we each are still gripped by anger and hurt over past events periodically. But, those times are getting further and further apart and new, good memories are replacing them.

So what's the plan now??? Well, we've made the huge decision and commitment to moving out of our state to our very favorite city of CHICAGO!!!! We are both so very excited. This isn't going to happen overnight, but the finishing up of small remodeling jobs on the house has begun in preparation of putting it on the market in the spring. There's nothing we don't love about Chicago, so why not live in the place that you get the most enjoyment from? Everything from the job market, to the diversity, to the endless array of cultural activities is BETTER there.

My goal is to actually be able to open my own pride shop (or share space with an existing store) in Boystown. Gulp! Just typing that out gives me shivers. It is such a dream for me and that it really seems attainable is so thrilling. I feel like my online business has grown so well that it could support a brink and mortar store. I guess time will tell...

Anyway, enough rambling! Hopefully it won't be so long between posts anymore.... I hope everyone is doing well also.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

...running south on Lake Shore Drive....

Here a few photos of my recent biking along
Lake Michigan in Chicago.
It was a perfect day and a great time....

Monday, July 17, 2006


Promise to self:
I will get to 145 come hell or high-water

I have struggled with my weight my whole life. Even though there have been a few rare occasions when my weight was lower, or average, I always still felt fat. Well, I didn't really know what fat was until the last few years when I reached my highest weight ever. I am only 5' 2" tall and I was up to 232 lbs!! I was depressed, exhausted all the time, had no sex drive (because I felt so gross) and my back constantly hurt.

Last August when me and HER broke-up, the weight slowly started to come off. Mostly because I just wasn't eating due to constantly being so upset. In just over two weeks, it will be almost one year since that happened. I am very happy to report that I'm at about 160 - 165 lbs....I'm not sure, because I don't own a scale (so it's my best guess). Yesterday I tried on a pair of men's size 33 shorts and they were slightly big! I almost fell over and couldn't believe it... Nothing in my closet fits me and I've slowly been buying a few items here and there. I cleaned out my dresser last week and was amazed at how huge the pants were that I use to wear. I am definitely now one of those women (like on weight-loss commercials) standing inside a big pair of old pants and holding the waistband out to show how large they used to be!

My goal is 145 lbs. and I WILL reach it. But, since I have dropped the weight a lot of my body is flabby, especially my thighs and underarms. Because of this, I have been trying to exercise about 4 days a week to try and tone up. I do a mix of running and walking on my treadmill and a few arm exercises with my hand weights. I feel 1000% better! I have more energy, I can walk up 3 flights of stairs without feeling like I was about to keel over, and my sex drive is B-A-C-K!

However, I still tend to see myself through "fat eyes". I mean, sometimes I think I look pretty good, but other times I still feel like I'm 232 lbs. It was pointed out to me that I seem to be a bit obsessive about how I look (big surprise there!). So, I am trying to force myself to appreciate how far I've come and to give myself a break. But, it's very difficult to get over this mental image of myself.... My first step was, for the FIRST time since I was a kid, to wear a tank top in public! I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but it is something I never would do before because my arms were so fat. The first time I got ready to go out wearing one, I thought I was going to faint and I felt naked. I asked a friend of mine (before I left the house) if she thought people were going to laugh at me. I really thought it might happen...but, of course it didn't. Now, I'm wearing them all the time and it feels great. The real test might come at swimsuit time :)

Hopefully this doesn't sound egotistical, but it's very strange when I'm out and about shopping, etc. and I notice people (ok, MEN) looking at me. I immediately think my zipper must be down or I have snot hanging out of my nose...or something. It's just been sooo long since people have noticed me, that I'm not use to it. It's all very strange and surreal.

I'll let you know when I make it.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Overcoming Abandonment

This appeared on Post Secret last Sunday.
Here is the email I sent to Post Secret in response:


I was instantly brought to tears by the JC Penny Catalog Customer postcard where the sender had written, "Everytime you come home late, I'm afraid you've left me just like my Dad did." in the blanks on the card.

In the past year I've begun to realize that I've suffered from the same fear my whole life. The difference for me was that as a child I always felt abandoned by both of my parents - even though they were both present in my life. It has negatively affected every relationship I have ever had. Because of it, I never allowed myself to trust or get truly close to another person. Last February after being left by my long-time lover, the loneliness became too much to handle and I attempted to take my own life.

Through the process of picking up the pieces and slowly putting my life back together, I have been able to finally let go of my abandonment issues. It is amazing what path life puts you on once you are able to confront and overcome your deepest fears. I want to tell the person who sent in the secret that I hope someday they can learn to trust again too. You did not ask for him to leave you, so stop letting him do it over and over. I'm so glad I have finally decided to stay and I hope you will too.

- Indiana

Wednesday, May 31, 2006


I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test...

...Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I didn't make time to go see my Mom on Mother's Day. My time off work was limited on Sunday and I filled my day running around with my son doing errands. At the time, I thought those things were more important to get done first and I would see her later. Before I knew it, I had to go back to work and didn't get to see her. Now, I feel terrible about it.

I think my Mom thinks I don't want to spend time with her or that I don't love her. The truth is, it's really hard for me to be around her because all the pain from her life weighs so heavily upon her. I feel partly responsible for some of that pain. I wish I could take it all away from her and tell her that it's ok. Everything is REALLY ok.

I love my Mother. She has been the only light in life at times. The only person who could tell me it was going to be alright. A person who has loved me unconditionally.

She keeps telling me that time is running out between us and that we need to be spending more of it together. I want to, but I can't and I'm not completely sure why.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Awakening

I am awakening
from the slumber of desolation
that has been my life
I've rubbed the sleep from my eyes
and can see more clearly than ever

I feel like I have finally gathered enough strength
to begin turning the page
I see my hand reaching down to pick up the pen
and preparing to start writing a new chapter

The sweet sounds of music have returned to my ears
For so long I couldn't bear to listen
because every song was a reminder
Now, the notes and lyrics are like old friends
welcoming me back and telling me I've made
my way through the darkness
Offering me with open arms
a new soundtrack for my life

I've begun to pray again
with gratitude instead of pain
Thankful for these things
that not so long ago seemed apparent disasters
now coming to light as blessings in disguise

A return to self - a bit more each day
Glancing back at the hurt and anger
that has been shed
It looks thin and transparent
with only a hint of the powerful and
suffocating shape that it once held
Now lifeless and crumbling
unable to affect me any longer
I had forgotten who I was
and am starting to feel comfortable
in my new, shiny skin

Seeing I was truly not walking alone through
that thorny and wicked forest
Apparently guiding me silently along the course
through all of my darkest fears
A hand pulling me from the thicket upon which I'd stumbled
Picking me up and pushing me forward
when I decided I could go no further

The driving force of a divine plan that all along
required me to touch the white hot flame
which I thought was singeing my edges, blackening my skin
and starting to consume me in it's smoldering embrace
Simply my twisted perception of the world
as it appeared through the cracks of my own broken glasses

Suddenly I can see
as if my eyesight were restored by means
of some dusty roadside revival tent preacher
I watch the beads of sweat as they drip
from his forehead onto his lapel
before vaporizing into the storm clouds brewing above
In the brightness from the unexpected flash of lightening
I can see that the fire never actually burned me
but instead had cauterized my gaping wounds
With this glorious realization
I heard the exercised demons scream and howl
as they were carried away by the storms strong winds

Now like a Phoenix rising from those ashes
Feeling weightless as a diver about to
reach the surface
I am gloriously free
and ascending toward normalcy

The small, still voice inside me whispers
"Appreciate the lessons of the recent past
and thank the universe for it's wisdom"
As I reach for his extended hand and
he helps pull me from the water
I reply, "I do"

And stand as a fully awakened soul

Monday, April 24, 2006

Help the Cause

A group of people I volunteer with are currently trying to get anti-discrimination amendment added to our city's Human Rights Ordinance. So far, the amendment support has been less than stellar (no surprise there)!

One of the local television stations has posted a poll on their website asking people's opinion about passing the amendment. If you wouldn't mind helping, please take a moment to visit their site and vote "YES"! We really need the help...

If you look on the right hand column of the main page down toward the bottom, there's a poll asking: "Do you think a clause against sexual orientation discrimination should be added to the city code?"

Thanks everyone!!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

F*ck, Dammit, Uggghhhh!

Damn it! I'm upset and want to throw a fit....

For the last two months I have been taking a temporary break from my t-shirt business ( to try and get myself "together". Yesterday I emailed my #1 distributor to talk about the date that I would start business back up to full speed. He replied today and said that he's not going to pick my line back up because he hired a designer, bought equipment and has been producing designs himself.

The arrangement was perfect. He listed my designs on his website and each time he got an order, it would be emailed to me. I would make the shirts and send it to the customers directly, under his company name. At the end of the month, I would send him a bill for the orders. Simple as that.

I guess it's my own fault, but we had an understanding that my time off was just temporary...

Does anyone need a unemployed, wholesale t-shirt supplier???

Monday, April 17, 2006

The Choice is Yours

I read this today in an email that a friend forwarded to me. I am posting it as a reminder for myself.

"If something is important enough to you, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse. Often, difficult circumstances can challenge you, but they can not stop you. Only you can stop you.

Others can give encouragement, can teach you and help you or they can hold you back. Only you can decide what to do with it all and what to make out of what you've been handed.
There are some roads that lead to success and others that lead to despair. The path you are on depends entirely on the path you have chosen.

Whether you see your life filled with beauty and positive possibilities, or whether you see no hope at all - Your own perception will turn out to be a self fulfilling prophecy. So which one will You choose to see?

The world which you choose to experience and the world you choose to live in is precisely the world where you will be in.

The choice is yours. "

- Rex Barker

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The Onion

I truly laughed out loud this morning.

Why blog about this? Because lately it rarely happens to me.

What was the source that spurred my outburst? For those of you familiar with it, the answer will not be surprising. For those of you unfamiliar, please acquaint yourself immediately with "America's Finest News Source", a parody newspaper called The Onion.

In particular, the laughter came from reading this headline and story that appeared on the front page of today's edition.

The genius of The Onion goes without saying...

On another note, isn't is funny that the blogger spell check doesn't recognize the word, "blog" ?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water...

It's been five days since I discovered the multiple hotel room charges (all within the last two weeks) on HER bank statement.

It's been five days since I packed up her things into garbage bags and boxes and asked her to move out when she walked through the door. During the course of the ensuing argument she left without taking her stuff.

Afterwards, I left for the weekend. Time away to TRY and clear my head. It's been four days since I immediately began to waver in my conviction. Sometimes it's hard to remain angry...but then I remember.

It's been one day since we spoke face to face. Of course, it was all "I'm sorry" and "You're the person I want to be with" and "I wasn't planning on seeing her [the other woman] anymore". I wish I could believe it, but I know that I can't. "You can do this" the small, still voice inside me whispers. I again tell her that I want her to leave.

Looking into the face of the woman I love and telling her to move out is the hardest thing I have ever done. Even after it all, I do still love her and probably always will. I have just FINALLY, finally, finally had enough of the hurt and pain.

I helped her carry the things out to her vehicle. My eyes started to well up with tears, but I held them back. I said, "This will make things better" (not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself). I hugged her goodbye and breathed a surprising deep sigh of relief. A weight lifted...

It's only been five minutes since I thought of her last, four minutes since I reassured myself this is the right thing to do, three minutes since I finished my silent prayer for strength. One minute since I realized I don't have to care or let it hurt me any more.

I hear Huey Lewis sing...
"Let her go and start over.
There ain't nothing that I can do.
Let her go and start over.
Baby, it's up to you.
Let her go and start over."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Flying Spaghetti Monster

This has to be one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. I think I'm going to order a t-shirt immediately.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Act I

The platforms of stability that she has temporarily rested upon in the past few months each turned out to be trap doors. The exposed actions of another person too nauseating to document in detail.

She thinks of it all and lets the anger well up and bubble over like hot sticky tar, clinging to her skin and seeping into every pore. The anxiety takes over and feels like maddening little restless bugs crawling beneath her scorched and blistering skin.

Another wrung on the infinite ladder breaks, lowering her one more step down into the bottomless pit. The clarity at the top is now just a tiny pinpoint of light she must strain to perceive.

*She suddenly screams at the top of her lungs*

"I'm pounding my head against a wall. Being stepped on, lied to, fucked over and treated like shit. When will I have my fill?? When is enough, enough? Why do I continue to live in this madness? What the hell is wrong with me?"


No response from the stoic universe.

*Then a small, still voice like a whisper on the wind speaks*

"You'll be given as much as YOU want."

*But, she fails to hear it because the ego is speaking too loudly again*

Breathe, take a pill; it will be all right in a few minutes. Swallow the pain; push it out of your mind. You are just sinking to a new lower level. It will seem normal in a day or two, it always does.

*She unclenches her fists and lets herself fall back into the familiar, comfortable arms of deceit*

The last fleeting thought before going back into the dream,

“How many more steps could possibly be left beneath?”

Monday, March 13, 2006

I missed photo Sunday

A friend of mine has gotten me to digging out
some very old photos of myself.

Here's my punk phase. (Circa 1990)

Notice my astonishingly cluttered bedroom. This my was first "basement bedroom" and as with most kids, the beginning of my "freedom" and self-expression. The basement was perfect for sneaking out of the house at night. Lots of good times were had in that room. I wish I could re-live this time in my life. In the picture above, I am wearing my the my grandfather's suit jacket. He ended up being buried in it a year later. I loved that jacket...

My parents were actually pretty supportive of my self-expression. Somehow I always managed to maintain the "good child" image.
Too bad it wasn't true.
It's kinda crazy, but I remember at this time
in my life thinking that I was so fat.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Tex Avery

I came across this cartoon still today and I instantly felt all warm and fuzzy :) Strange how an image/memory can transport you back just for an instant. This was a cartoon by Tex Avery that I watched many times as a kid.

Does anyone else remember it?

Friday, March 03, 2006

Global Dimming

I followed a link from Nameis's blog this morning to a transcript of a program which aired in the UK on the BBC. This transcript of the show is a bit long, but every word is worth reading.

Very frightening stuff is happening to/on our planet and we need to pay attention for the sake of the generations to come. This article brought to mind images of the Earth's blackened sky in the Matrix movies.

The implications of this phenom on people with seasonal effective disorder (ie: Me) would also be an interesting avenue to explore.

Friday, February 24, 2006

by Adrienne Rich

you're beginning to float free
up through the smoke of bushfires
and incinerators
the unleafed branches won't hold you
nor the radar aerials

You're what the autumn knew would happen
after the last collapse
of primary colour
once the last absolutes were torn to pieces
you could begin

How you broke open, what sheathed you
until this moment
I know nothing about it
my ignorance of you amazes me
now that I watch you
starting to give yourself
away to the wind

Monday, February 20, 2006


I wish you were all here right now to talk to me. I feel better during the day, but the nights are tough when I'm tired after a whole day of stressing and over thinking my life. I get to the point where my skin starts to crawl from anxiety. I need "out of my head".... I fixate on minute things and blow them out of proportion because of the underlying issues going on in my life.

I feel so needy right now and I hate it. That's not the person I usually am, or at least that I don't want to be. All of my neurosis and insecurities are magnified by ten times right now. It's causing me to ruin the only things that I truly want. I can barely stand to be around myself and I really can't blame anyone else for not wanting to be around me as well. Yet, that is the very thing that I need to get through this time.

Self-sabotage I suppose... I'm rambling and need to sleep. Goodnight stranger friends.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Thank you

Every Sunday Post Secret puts up new postcards. Today I checked the blog just as I do every week. This was one of the new postings. Tears instantly began pouring down my cheeks.

Thursday my therapist asked me if I was "happy to be alive". I hesitated before answering. "Happy" is too strong a word for me to use right now. But, yesterday was my son's 9th birthday and I'm glad that I didn't miss it.

Thank you to all my fellow bloggers for the kind words and offers of support.

I owe another thank you to a person that saved my life that night. However, each time I think about saying it, I also feel equally just as angry.

*Repeat with me* Onward and upward...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


I've debated for two days whether to post this entry. But, as I've said before, if you can't tell your deepest, darkest secrets to a bunch of strangers, then whom can you tell? I've been virtually silent for months, keeping it all inside.

So, here it goes....

Last Wednesday night, I'd had enough - literally reached my limit. Enough pain, hurt, self-pity, guilt, and sadness. I decided I did not want to live to see Thursday.

If you have never personally felt such complete and hopeless despair, then I do not have enough words to make you understand "where I was at" emotionally. If you choose to judge me, do not read any further. If you have "been there", than no explanation is necessary.

I tried very hard to go and it almost worked. But, obviously (and thankfully) it wasn't in the cards. I will leave out the details, better left forgotten.

When I awoke in the hospital someone said to me, "If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have, it's not that hard to do. This was just a cry for help." I looked them square in the face and said, "If I'd have owned a gun, I guarantee I wouldn't be sitting here to hear the stupid comment you just made to me."

Overdosing allowed for a moment of clarity and regret, before falling asleep, which helped to save me. A gun would not have been so forgiving or have let me momentarily re-evaluate my yearning for release. The mistake would have been permanent instead of just the desperate, overwhelming error in judgment that it was.

At the time, I knew my life could be much worse. I knew there were other people surviving through a lot more crap than me. I knew (know) how much I have to live for and be grateful for. I knew how horribly selfish it was to think this was a solution, an easy way out. I knew I was most likely ruining my son's life, but I thought he'd be better off without me. None of those things mattered then, that night.

Simply put, I no longer wanted to be the source of anyone's pain, anger, or disappointment. I now realize that if it had worked, that I would have instead succeeded in forever aligning myself as a source of all those things for the people that love me.

What now? It's got to be "up" from here. This was the bottom I have been plummeting toward for months. Know that love and support (personal and professional) is coming out of the woodwork. At this moment, I feel as if I can now honestly say that I tried absolutely everything within my power to be a failure. None of it has worked. For some unexplainable reason, this has left me feeling stronger and more ready than ever to face my life. After all, there's no other choices left.

Why blog about this? I'm not sure.
What do I expect anyone to say about all this? Nothing much.

Monday, February 06, 2006

The best and worst of times

A post to say that last night SHE moved back home. Gratefulness swells in my soul, even through it all, the only place I truly find a moment of "safe" rest seems to be in her arms. My heart skipped a beat when she actually walked through the front door. Until that moment I didn't want to let myself believe it would happen.

What should be a joyous start to a new life together is instead an immediate, rushed and sometimes strained mission of necessity. An act of selflessness (through somewhat clenched teeth) for her, mental survival for me. A delicate and fragile strand of love between us holding the whole thing together.

For now this is how it must be. A house built on a shaky foundation trying to withstand a hurricane. A hope and a prayer that the strand will strengthen as this "impossible" time in our lives passes.

Counting my blessings....prayers for strength appreciated.

Sums it up

Snow Day
by Lisa Loeb

it's a bad day.
it's a train ride.
it's a bad day.
you're my medicine.

it's a snow day.
it's a full moon.
it's a snow day.

when'd you get down to my bones?
where'll i find that wishing stone?
the beads, the records,
all the calls, and the drinks alone.

first by mind, then by music
you'll make this all less confusing.
it's a slow dive down,
a fast distraction,
a strange fall forward -
my lame reaction.

it's a bad day.
it's a long ride.
It s a bad day.
you're my medicine.

it's a sinking feeling,
pulls me through the seat of chairs.
when will you come rescue me,
find solace, and then take me there?

you'll say, "you re not too tired for this life, and
it's not gonna matter if you fall down twice.
you're not too tired for this life, and
it's not gonna matter if you fall down twice.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Closure and Healing

I finally have some closure on a huge issue that has been affecting my life for more than a year and a half.

Now I will begin to move past it and get on with living. Thank you to everyone for the "blind" support that you have offered me. I still don't feel like I can talk about it, and I'm not sure that I ever will. But, know that the prayers and positive thoughts have been appreciated.

There will be some time in the near future when I won't be blogging, but after that, hopefully I can begin again on a more regular basis.

As Nancy =) would say, "Kiss the sky".

With Love,

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Another Day

I'm having another one of those days where I need blessings, prayers and positive thoughts of support for me.

I'd appreciate it very much if everyone who reads this could take a few minutes today to send this to me silently.

Much appreciated,

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Say Cheese

I thought I'd share this picture taken of my dear friend Mark and I on New Year's Eve.