Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Patient Past

She appeared
as if from nowhere,
anywhere but there
or here.
No, I did not know her
or her me,
as unlikely as it seems.
Then - would have made
this - impossible.
Such a distant, patient past
waiting for us to be.
Knowing then
what we didn't
until now.

Then she appears
as I lift my head from sleep.
Anywhere but here seems likely.
No, she is there, still.
Or, is that me?
She wakes
and smiles in my direction
this melty, fuzzy, butterfly filled, perfection.
Such a sight to see that
waiting for it to happen
makes me believe
I want to fall asleep again
with anticipation.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Over Exposed

A light in the shadowy places begins to shine. So many are there, lurking, wanting it to burn out (me and themselves along with it).

I see the reflection of their gnashing teeth and sideways smiles in the mirror behind me (looking at them directly yields no such horrors). Instead of turning around (this time), I step to the side and offer them safe passage. Out of the darkness where they can finally be seen, exposed and set free.

A few come forward tentatively, easily explained. Others slink by and dodge my glance, hoping to go unnoticed. Then a hoard, a loud tumbling mass of arms and legs and angry cries, spill out into my view. Startled - I gasp - then hold my breath rather then smell their seething viciousness and contempt as they pass.

Just when it seems all is clear, I notice a few more cowering in the corner, barely visible. I pull on their subconscious tentacles that are attached somehow to me, but can't loosen the slimy, cold grip. I reach for the silver shears and begin cutting them away, one by one. Money goes loose, fear is set free, worry & anguish are released, the past is hacked off....

SHE is the last to appear, a sheep in wolf's clothing. I open my arms to give her a hug goodbye whisper in her ear and then watch as she disappears.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Ain't Love (a) Grand (illusion)?

The end of July/start of August 2009 brought about a flurry of unexpected events in my life. I could write a chronicle of everything that has taken place. However, I think I would rather cut to the chase....

Over the past 3 months or so, I have realized these important things:

1.) I am not ready to be in a committed relationship.
2.) It is what it is.
3.) Sometimes you read the writing on the wall and other times you are the author.
4.) Fat Tire is a truly delicious beer.
5.) I am balancing imperfectly on the tightrope of life.
6.) Try not to take yourself or anyone else too seriously.
7.) Wolves always end up shedding their sheep costumes.
8.) Honesty really is the "best policy" (a very revolutionary concept!).
9.) People living in glass houses rarely consider how clean their own windows are.
10.) Tomorrow is always a new day.

Keep in mind, these are in no particular order :)

Wednesday, September 09, 2009


I watch her sleeping
and wait for her to wake
with those sleepy eyes,
quiet sighs and heart full of
aches and pains.

I touch her skin,
I kiss her lips
and study her face
with my fingertips.

I hang on every last one
of her unspoken words
which all sound
like some song
that I’ve
ever heard.

I breathe in her sweetness
while she rests in my arms
tempting her soul to believe
that it’s no longer in harm.

Our bodies
and minds intertwined,
I finally drift off to sleep.
Side by side,
with the past behind
and exceptionally more than
I had ever hoped to find.


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Say it ain't so

I can't
whisper the words
even to myself

fill up the pit
all at


it would happen
not again
afraid to say
it ain't so
for the first time


What if?
...I'm dreaming
then as said
don't wake me
I want to stay
in this sleep
or die happy
at this very

Message of Love - The Pretenders

Now the reason were here
As man and woman
Is to love each other
Take care of each other
When love walks in the room
Everybody stand up
Oh its good, good, good
Like brigitte bardot
Now look at the people
In the streets, in the bars
We are all of us in the gutter
But some of us are looking at the stars
Look round the room
Life is unkind
We fall but we keep gettin up
Over and over and over and over and over and over

Me and you, every night, every day
Well be together always this way
Your eyes are blue like the heavens above
Talk to me darlin with a message of love
Now the reason were here
Every man, every woman
Is to help each other
Stand by each other
When love walks in the roomEverybody stand up
Oh its good, good good
Say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The long glance backwards

I'm pretty sure no one looks at this blog anymore, but just in case.... I wanted to say that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and gratitude in my heart. I was randomly clicking on some of my old posts and they were ripping my heart out. A few years ago I was in such a DARK place in my life. I know now that had it not been for this blog and the readers back then, that I would NOT have made it through many of those days. My first thought was to erase this blog and release it all to the universe. But, I'm not ready to lose this record of the road I traveled to become the person I am now and who knows, maybe I will start writing again...

I know so many of you stranger-friends won't see this post, but I guess I just wanted to say thank you anyways. I also wanted to say that my life is so full now. I feel strong, confident, and happy. I fill my days painting, hanging with my beautiful son and going to school - which I will be finishing in the coming Fall semester!!

The bigger picture is now so clearly visible. I'm glad there were people here that could see it when I wasn't able to. Peace.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I don't want to grow up

The older I get, the less things I know with certainty.

Tom says it best:

When I'm lyin in my bed at night
I dont wanna grow up
Nothin ever seems to turn out right
I dont wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
Thats always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I dont wanna grow up
I dont ever wanna be that way
I dont wanna grow up
Seems like folks turn into things
That theyd never want
The only thing to live for is today...
Im gonna put a hole in my tv set
I dont wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I dont wanna grow up
I dont wanna have to shout it out
I dont want my hair to fall out
I dont wanna be filled with doubt
I dont wanna be a good boy scout
I dont wanna have to learn to count
I dont wanna have the biggest amount
I dont wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I dont wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old tomb
On grand street
When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I dont wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I dont wanna grow up

Thursday, January 22, 2009

What more could I have asked for?

Dad, I love you and miss your big hugs and scratchy beard already. I am grateful to have so many happy memories of you. You taught me how it feels to be truly and unconditionally loved. You showed me that Dads aren't always perfect but, that doesn't mean they should give up trying. You told me that if something is worth doing, then it's worth doing right.

Dad, you had so much happen to you in your life, even from an early age... You could have used any number of things as an excuse to give up, but you didn't. You just changed course and didn't feel sorry for yourself. Your life showed me that things don't always work out they way you think they should, but you deal with it and learn to adjust your own expectations instead.

Thank you for being there for me no matter what. I couldn't have asked for anything more, even though sometimes I did. I was honored to have called you Father in this lifetime. I loved you then, now, tomorrow and can wait to see you in the next one.

Ride free Daddy and enjoy the scenery, salt water taffy, popcorn and fishing along the way.

Anyday - Ani Difranco

I will lean into you
and you can be the wind
I will open up my mouth
and you can come rushing in
you can rush in so hard
and make it so I can't breathe
I breathe too much anyway
I can do that anyday

I just wish I knew who you were
I wish you'd make yourself known
probably you don't know I'm her
the woman you want to call home
I'll keep my ear to the wall
I'll keep my eye on the door
'cause I've heard all my own jokes
and they're just not funny anymore
I laugh too much anyway
I can do that anyday

have you ever been bent or pulled
have you ever been played like strings
if I could see you I could strum you
I could break you
make you sing
but I guess you can't really see the wind
it just comes in and fills the space
and everytime something moves
you think that you have seen its face
and I've always got my guitar to play
but I can do that anyday