Saturday, July 30, 2005

Wow...I'm totally exhausted!

I've just returned home from a VERY full day! Me and a friend of mine went to a Pride festival about two hours from where I live and set up a vendor booth for the day. We sold my t-shirts, wristbands, teddybears, pride type gifts, etc. Not only did we sell shirts that I had pre-made, but I also did shirts on the spot from out of my catalog (same designs as on my website). This entailed standing over a very hot t-shirt heat press all day and making shirts.

We left my house at 8:00 this morning and I just walked back in the door at 10:30 pm. We got lost both going to the festival and returning home... I have been on the GRAND TOUR of every small, back-road country, little town in Oblivion (which are in no short supply around here). For goodness sakes, at one point we passed through a little town where an actual amish horse and buggy were tied up outside of a convience store :)

All in all, it was a good day. We were busy from start to finish with barely enough time to stop and use the restroom or grab a bite to eat. But, the we made some good pocket money and came home about 70 shirts lighter. Plus, got to listen to a bit of live entertainment thoughout the day and gather a few leads on new wholesale customers.

I'm rambling! And, I need to go take a shower...I smell like a billy goat :) Sorry I didn't even have time to snap any pictures for sharing. More details to come tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Me, John and Farrah

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was part of some strange awards show and not only was I being honored, but also had to present an award to one of the other attendees.

In the dream I was standing backstage when they told me I had to pick whom I would like to give the award to. I glanced down the line of people to be honored and picked the last person standing there. It was John Ritter - but he had this long jet black hair that was in a permed/wavy mullet style (don't ask me...lol) and he was wearing blue jeans with a jean shirt on also (always a bad combination). I went and took my place beside of him and next thing I know, I rambled off some speech about what a great person/actor he was, then I hand him the award. Well, people in the audience were really moved by my speech and gave me a standing ovation. I was sort of confused when I was handed an award also (because I couldn't think of what I was famous for).

Anyway, after the ceremony was over I was backstage at an after party and Farrah Fawcett was hanging ALL over me (not the good 70's Farrah, but the now, weird 00's Farrah). But, Farrah also had short, short, short cropped jet-black hair (again, don't ask me!). Farrah gave me her number and told me to call her later. I really liked that she was hanging on me, but I felt really guilty because I am in love with my real life partner.

The dream went on from there... something about my partner and my son were swimming in the hotel (where the awards show was held) pool. But, the rest of it is really foggy. It was one of those dreams that seemed to last all night and was fresh in my mind this morning when I woke up. I should have written about it right away...lol.

Go figure what the hell this one means! I'd love some dream analysis from my fellow bloggers....

State of Mind




I found this from following a link at Blogzie's.




I have visited 23 states (45%)
Click here to see how many you've visited.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Truthfulness...

"... the truth will make you free."

I happened to see this stenciled on the front of a van (of all places...lol) last Friday. I was immediately struck by it when I saw it. The very randomness and strangeness of seeing it stayed with me throughout the afternoon. But, by Friday evening I had forgotten about it...

Then, like a lightbulb being turned on, the saying hit me again last night in the shower right before bed and it all made sense. I didn't know where this quote came from until I Googled it this morning before starting this post. I was shocked when I saw the whole quote, I guess it just didn't all fit on that van... It's a bible verse (I'm guessing everyone probably knew that but me...lol)

"You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

I realize NOW the important role my thoughts about this quote played in my life over the past few days. I did know the truth and I needed to hear it outloud. Once I did hear it, I wasn't angry anymore. Another lesson learned, thank you.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Well...

...against the welcome advice of my fellow bloggers, I did not make it to Chicago this weekend for Lollapalooza or anything else for that fact. I woke up Saturday morning ready to go, then I searched for a decent hotel room and had absolutely no luck. Not sure what I expected to get that would be available for that same day...lol. But, the optimist in me had to at least try. Everything was booked solid or over $250 which I could not seriously see myself paying. Then, I thought well, we can just drive home that night. Then I looked at the weather radar in Chicago - it was raining :( That was the final straw... With my lack of planning, decision making, heat advisory, no hotel room, and rain I figured the cards were now stacked against me and I stayed home. My son had ended up spending Friday night at a friend's house, so I just left him over there for the day to splash in the pool, etc.

I briefly lamented Lollapalooza, did a few things around the house and took a nap. I guess the next best thing to doing "something" is doing nothing....lol.

Saturday night me, my partner, another couple that we are friends with, their son and my son all decided to go to the County fair that was a few cities away. We ended up having a great time (see the new Flickr photos on the side bar). We ate lots of great unhealthy food, rode all the unsafe overpriced rides, laughed, and returned home exhausted. A good time had by all...

Yesterday, the heat was practically unbearable so me and my son spent the day in our pool. He kept climbing up on my shoulders and jumping off. This morning I woke up barely able to turn my head. It hurts way down between my shoulders... I think I must have pulled something :)

Friday, July 22, 2005

Lollapalooza

I posted this in a comment over at Mental Hopskotch yesterday:

"I'm contemplating going to Lollapalooza (http://www.lollapalooza.com) this weekend in Chicago and taking my son with me. He's only 8, but I guess this year they are having a kid's area, which is very cool. I think the experience would be great for him and fun for all of us at the same time.

So, in thinking about going to the festival, I thought about the fact that I went to the very first Lollapalooza which was X number of years ago and in turn made ME feel old...lol. They had some great bands that first year, and the same is true with this year's line-up."

Well, I'm still contemplating and it's do or die time since the festival is tomorrow.

On the PRO side I have: There will be great bands there, Julian will get to experience something way different than he has ever before, I actually have the money (for once) to spend without neglecting any of my bills, it's in CHICAGO (a city I adore), and Perry Farrell will be performing in the children's area (yeah, try to imagine that combination), Perry Farrell will be THERE (I was slightly obsessed with Jane's Addiction in high school).

On the CON side I have: Chicago is under an Excessive Heat Advisory until Sunday and hot temps. & kids isn't always a good idea (both for health reasons and my sanity), Tickets are $60 a person (kid's under 10 free) - but still for me and my partner that's $120 + tax to stand in the HEAT :) Kinda like paying for torture, isn't it?

Anyway, those are my only 2 cons, so I guess the pros win. What ever happened to the days when I wouldn't have batted an eye at this decision? Back then it would have been a resounding "YES, of course we are going!". What has happened to me??

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Words to live by...

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles.
It empties today of it's strength."
-Mary Engelbreit

This was on the front of a card my Mother sent to me. I love the saying and wanted to pass it along.

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Big Question

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been visiting "The Big Question" and posting their answers!

So far we are having great success and a lot of fun reading the responses that are being posted. Please keep sending the link to anyone you think might be interested in the site.

If you haven't visited yet, get your butt over there! http://bigquestion2day.blogspot.com

Friday, July 15, 2005

On a totally different subject :)

A bit of Friday fun...

I came across these silly tests today (warning: some are kinda raunchy).

If you need some mindless fun you might take a few of them at: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take

Reduced, Part II

Ok, I guess I'm on the right path. Confirmed in print...lol.

After posting this morning, I arrived home at lunch to find the latest ACIM Newsletter in my mailbox. I glanced at the tag line beneath the title and it says, "...when you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter." I couldn't believe it!

To understand why this is significant, read my post from this morning ("Reduced") where I was explaining that was a lesson I learned today.

That it showed up in my mailbox, with the same thought I was talking about, on the same day is just amazing to me. I've gotten this Newsletter for awhile and it probably always has this saying on it, but I don't think I've ever noticed it before.

Thanks! I got and I feel like I'm getting "it" more and more with each day that passes.

By the way, if anyone's interested, you can sign up for the newsletter for free at: http://www.miraclecenter.org (when you get to their home page, click on the Shortcuts link on the top right side. Choose "Holy Encounter" from the drop-down menu and it will tell you how to subscribe).

Reduced

The task - simple. Given an envelope by my boss to drop off at another office for him. Fine - I was going to the post office anyway and the office is nearby. No big deal. I arrive at the building and walk in. No one at the front desk, ring the bell. *ding* She appears - secretary I presume. Walks into the lobby from a nearby open door. She is about my height (which isn't very tall), probably in her late 30's, maybe early 40's. Very nicely dressed, hair and makeup perfect. Glasses, from which she peers at me over the top of. A look of "What do you want?" on her face.

I said, pleasantly, "Hi! I'm here to drop this off for XXX."
Her - "Did you need to see XXX or just drop it off?"
Me - "Just drop it off."
Her - "I'll put it in their mailbox."

And as I stepped toward her to hand her the envelope, it happened. A total, quick, not so nice, ONCE OVER. I caught her eye as it came back up to my face. I smiled, still trying to be nice in the face of unpleasantness. I handed her the envelope and she turned to walk away.

I said, "You might want to actually give it to XXX instead of just putting it in the mailbox. After all, they might need it right away since I was sent over to drop it off."

She kinda shrugged and I see her stuff it into the mail slot. I leave. Infuriated with her attitude and the way she looked at me like I was shit on her shoe. Let's keep in mind, this is no high powered business office, no big shot high-rise office building, nothing like that. This is an "incubator" (for those of you that don't know what an incubator is, it's a building where the rent is usually subsidized and small business start-ups move in to try and grow their companies.) This particular incubator is in an old, broke down warehouse. Miss Priss is most likely paid by the State Small Business Association (funded in part by money from tax payers - like me for instance).

I get back to my car thinking about what a bitch she was, and how dare she, etc. Then I turn on myself - defensive. It's casual Friday, that's why I'm dressed this way, *insert other self-loathing comments here*, etc.

Then it occurred to me. I just let my peace of mind and my self-worth get reduced to a grain of salt by a simple look from an unhappy person. I have no one to be mad at but myself. I been working with ACIM lately as I've mentioned in other posts, and have started feeling a lot stronger emotionally, confident, and so on. This woman was just another lesson, pure and simple. A perfect illustration of how easily my resolve can be shaken. Not to say I'll never let it happen again, but maybe I will catch myself in the midst of it next time and send her a silent blessing instead of attack thoughts.

Every person you meet is there for a reason.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

New Blog

I have started a second blog called "The Big Question"

It is intended to build off of the whole "interview me" process that bloggers have been passing around. Simply put, I post a question, you post your answer in the comments. You can even post anonymously if you so choose.

Simple as that... Check it out! If you like it, please pass the link to at least one friend who's answers you'd be interested in reading.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

An Unexpected Blessing

Today I was hit with a bit of random kindness myself (or not so random depending on how you think about it). It happened right when I needed it the most today.

My Grandmother lives in a high-rise, subsidized apartment building that houses mostly elderly people. Sometimes she babysits my son during the day while I am at work. Yesterday, I picked him up and when we were walking down the sidewalk to the car, we heard a voice from above, literally. We glanced up to the apartment balcony on the second floor to see an elderly black woman (probably in her early 80's) leaning on the railing looking at us. She repeated what she said the first time, "Where is that cute looking young man going off to?". I looked up at her and smiled. I said, "He is off to the library to get a few books." She replied, "Well, he sure is handsome just like his mother." I said thank you and we left. I thought, hmmm... that was nice and then kinda forgot about it.

Today, my Grandmother's invited me over to have lunch with her and my son. My Grandma loves to cook, but since she lives alone she never really gets to very much. As a result, anytime she can get us over there to eat, she is happy. So, I went. Lunch was good and of course it was soon time for me to go back to work.

Once again, I was out on the front sidewalk and I saw the same elderly woman walking toward me. She's kind of hard to miss :) She's not very tall, and it looks like she might be wearing a black wig. But, in addition, she wears a black safari type hat (very similar to the one shown here on the left) with the sides buttoned up on the hat and everything. She was wearing a flowered dress, light green socks, and tennis shoes. As a side note, as she was walking along, she was also eating from a small bag of Ruffles potato chips. She saw me coming toward her and we both smiled.

She said, "You sure are pretty, you know that?" Of course, my inability to take a compliment kicked in and I said, "Well, I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds." She dismissed what I said and replied, "Nope, you're pretty and don't let anyone ever tell you any different. I've seen a lot of people, and there's just something about you." As she said this, she kind of peered at me over the top of her glasses, as if making sure she was right with what she was saying. I looked her right in the eye and felt the sense I had just been given a blessing and as if she meant something more than just a physical beauty. I was sort of speechless and just said, "Thank you." She turned and kept walking down the sidewalk. I'm not a person prone to believing in angels and I know how cheesy that sounds, yet, it was the first thing that came to mind when I stepped into my car.

My brain tells me to just explain it away and realize "this person is elderly and maybe a bit off her rocker". It also says to realize "that it's possible she says this to every person she meets", or "she had glasses on and maybe at her age she can't even see too well". And, I'm not going on about this because someone happened to think my outer self was "pretty", I'm talking about deeper meaning here. I saw it in her eyes and my inner-spirit tells me to just accept her unexpected blessing. Another affirmation that I am on the right path.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Human Spirit, Part 2

I wanted to thank Inger for posting her comment about the experience she had today regarding the woman on the bench and her son. (To read about it, click the comments on the post below this one titled, "Human Spirit")

It had to have felt good for her to use her own judgment instead of judgment based on fear. For God sakeƂ’s if you can't trust a woman on a bench to watch your son (with your eye on him) for two minutes in a downpour than who can you trust?

I think about what my grandmother would refer to as the "good ol' days" when she says you could trust anyone you met. Well, the only difference between then and now is US - the ones who stopped trusting THEM, which turns out to be EVERYONE (including ourselves when we are but a stranger to someone else).

People haven't changed so much, there were just as many crazy people 50 years ago as there is now. I think we only hear ALOT more about the crazy people now because of advanced technology (internet, 24 hours a day news channels, etc.).

So, if WE don't start trusting THEM a little bit more, now and then, there's no chance of things EVER getting back to the way things were before fear took over.

In turn, maybe if you, I and everyone else started taking a little more responsibility in looking out for one another, then we would become accustom again to being trustworthy people. Because I believe if you put trust and faith in someone and EXPECT them to do something right, most of the time they will. But, if you always automatically EXPECT someone to do something wrong or bad, they almost never let you down. People live up to the standards they are given (or that are imposed upon them).

Of course, I'm not saying to blindly have faith in all strangers and situations. I'm just saying maybe we should use our own instincts and judgments more often instead of always automatically listening to the Cold Case Files Cop/CNN Reporter and America's Most Wanted Host sitting on our shoulder.

Comments please! And, please keep sharing your stories if you decide to try, what's been dubbed by Angelika as the "kind campaign" (see the explanation in the posting below).

The Human Spirit

I wanted to simply thank everyone who has been commenting on my blog lately and especially on yesterday's "London Calling" post.

Lately, I've been listening to Chicago's WXRT radio station broadcast on the internet and they keep playing this song with a chorus that goes, "Where have all the good people gone?", (I'm not sure who sings it). About 3 weeks ago I was listening to the song and thinking that it's so true. On the news it's all murders, rapists, war and terror. On the faces of people I see everyday it seems no one smiles, and people barely say hello to one another. I was feeling sort of bogged down by all the negativity that's been bombarding me every day.

But in the last few days I've had a change of heart. I've been reading a lot more blogs lately and posting more on my own. I've discovered some of the nicest people and received comments that are beautifully stated and much appreciated. Reading the hopes, dreams, fears and sometimes plain silliness of others helps get me "out of my head" and makes me realize we all are not so different from each other.

I think most people are "good people", we have just become accustom to not showing it. Almost like we always have to wear our armor, be on guard, keep our game faces neutral and remember another threat is always lurking nearby. Today I am declaring that way of living, all BULLSHIT. Today, I vow to try and say hello to every person I come across. Today, I promise to smile at each person I see, even if they look "scary", "non-approachable" or not paying attention. Today, I will really listen to what other people are saying to me. Today, I am going to try to be as fully in each moment as possible instead of thinking about the past and worrying about the future. Today, I promise to let the positive energy of life flow through me and back out again instead of having it stop just outside of me.

Anyone care to join me? If so, please post a comment here about at least one encounter you have today while trying to apply this theme throughout your day. I'd love to hear about it! Maybe each of us individually can make a small difference in someone today, and that's got to be a start. You never know where your smile will end up, hopefully on the lips of someone else down the street.

"I can replace my feelings of depression, anxiety or worry [or my thoughts about this situation, personality or event] with peace"
- Lesson 34, A Course in Miracles
(click here to read the whole lesson)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London Calling

This morning I was running late to work.

I got a call at 6:45 a.m. from my father's nutty wife. She left a cryptic message on my cell phone to call my father back on their cell phone. No explaination, no nothing... So, of course, I go into panick mode because of how wierd she sounded and that they were calling me so early. They have been out of town for two weeks, traveling in their motorhome with their motorcycles on a trailer behind the RV. They went to explore the New England States and then up into Canada...it must be nice! Anyway, I call them back in my panick and was relieved to hear my Dad's cheery voice sounding just fine. I was glad nothing was wrong!

He said they'd be hitting my town in about 3 hours and wanted to swing by and pick up my son for the weekend. They were thinking of taking him to Oblivion Beach Which I remember traveling to as a child and loved visiting. Anyway, this is my son's weekend to go to his Dad's house, which I explained. They said, well, "see if he will switch you weekends so he could go with us". I hung up, called Julian's Dad and he wasn't home. By this time it was only 7 a.m. so I thought maybe he was still asleep. A few minutes later the phone rings, and it's his Dad calling me back. He said he just walked in the door from playing back-up guitar during a friend's performance at a local country radio station. (That's just not something you hear everyday and this was turing into a strange morning.) He agrees to switch weekends, I called my Dad back and told him everything worked out.

Now, I'm officially running really late... I hurried up and got Julian's bag packed with swim trunks, clothes, towel, toothbrush, etc. He got dressed, I was rushing around, on and on. After I got Julian dropped off at my Grandma's house (she babysits him during the day) I was headed to my office building when I heard the news on NPR about some explosions in London.

My heart sank... so similar to the morning of 9/11. I was running late to work on that morning too and heard the live broadcast from a NYC radio program of the planes hitting the towers.

This morning, in London, they just kept talking about explosions and no one was really saying how bad it was. I rushed into work and got online to see more news. So far they are saying about 40 people dead. Whenever something like this happens, I always wonder if any of the people who died felt any different when they got up that morning. Did they have any idea that this was there last few hours of life?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Interview Me

I borrowed this from Bent Fabric who borrowed it from someone else.

Here's how it works:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are Bent Fabric's questions to me:

1. What was your most embarrassing moment? Expound. My most embarrassing moment happened when I was about 11 years old. That's back in the 80's when rollerskating was really popular and I was at "The Tree" roller rink (a great throwback name to the 70's isn't it?) in Rockford, IL. I took a break from skating to go use the bathroom. When I was done and made it all the way back out to the skating rink, I looked down and noticed a loooonnnggg piece of toilet paper was stuck to one of my skates and trailing behind me. This was devastating to my 11 year old ego. To this day, whenever I leave a restroom I automatically look down at my feet to make sure they are TP free :)

2. If you could re-live one moment in your life what would it be? Why? It would have to be the first time I went to a Grateful Dead concert back in high school. Because that was it the last time in my life that I ever felt carefee. It was also 1 year before one of my friends that went with to the concert died in a car accident. Knowing that he only had one more year to live, I'm sure we all would have made it even more memorable.

3. What is your idea of the perfect date? My idea of the ultimate perfect date would be jetting off to New York on New Year's Eve and then heading back out west, stopping in each time zone to celebrate midnight as we go.

4. Did you always know you were a lesbian or was there an A-ha moment? I believe people that identify as being GLBT (Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender) usually fall into two categories in regards to recognizing their sexual identity.

Category #1: People that have always known they were GLBT, even as children.
Category #2: Those who gradually realize they are GLBT. Maybe after trying to date the opposite sex, etc.

I am in category #2... I remember always having girl "friends" that I followed around like a puppy dog and hung on their every word. But, as a kid and even as an early teen, I never equated this back then to anything more than being "best friends". I went through school dating guys, but never really found any I liked a whole lot. I even ended up having my son at age 20. I never knew anyone who was an OUT gay or lesbian until I turned 21. That's when it finally dawned on me why I was so infatuated with some of my "best friends" that happened to be girls and never had any successful relationships with men. I met my partner when I was 22 and we've been together almost 8 years now.

5. What is the best news you've heard all year? Worst? The best news I've heard all year is "Lucky Charms is Phasing Out the Oat Pieces" The worst news I've heard all year is that Bush got re-elected.

Anyone else up to being interviewed?

The Shrunken Head

Yesterday I had an appointment with my shrink. Well, he's not really a shrink or therapist, he's actually a psychopharmacologist. Or, in other words, he asks me a few questions and then prescribes me medications and that's it (because that's what he specializes in). He's a nice guy, probably in his early 60's, very short (like 5' foot), and very Italian (accent and all).

I've been going to see him for about two years or so. Over the course of the last 6 visits, he has prescribed me 7 different medications (which is just ridiculous). All of which I tried on average for about 3-4 days (if at all) before quitting. I've slowly been coming to the conclusion over the last year that I don't want to take anti-depressants anymore, because they never really help and often make things worse. So, each time he'd tell me I needed one (because that's his job), I'd feign interest and try it just long enough to revisit the side-effects (feeling exhausted, dry mouth, foggy head, etc) before stopping again. For awhile, at the next doctor's visit, I would tell him I wasn't taking the new medication he prescribed me the last time. It didn't seem to matter, and he'd just say, "Well then, let's try something new".

Now, I've been trying other, non-pharmacy, ways of dealing with my depression (hopefully I'm not starting to sound like Tom Cruise). I think it's actually working! I've made more progress in the past month, than I have in the past 3 years. I've been reading ACIM (getting my spiritual side in order), spending more time with my son (just plain having fun and being silly), paying all my bills on-time (which for me is a huge accomplishment), trying to do more physical activities (last month I dropped 7 1/2 lbs.) and staying in better touch with my family. I think the combination of doing all this is really bringing my thoughts/feelings in order and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

That brings me back to my doctor's visit. The last time was in his office, I was a mess. Crying, and terribly depressed. Yesterday, I sat down and told him about all the things I've been doing to try working on myself. I told him I've been feeling so much better and recovering quicker if I do encounter any set-backs. He was amazed at how much better I'm doing and said he was so glad for me. We talked longer yesterday than we probably ever have. Then, he picked up his chart and looked back at what he last prescribed me. He said, "It looks like the Zoloft must really be working. Looks like we've finally found the right medication for you." I just smiled and said, "Yes, it's been great". As he wrote me out the refill prescription, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I'd never started taking the Zoloft in the first place.

On the way out, he said he wanted to see me again in October for another appointment. I thought about just not coming back again, but then I made the appointment anyway. I like him, he's a nice guy. He doesn't know what a breakthough I've had and that I owe a lot of it to him, even if his help didn't come in the way it was intended. I guess some part of me also likes that he thinks it's his pills that have finally started making me happy, when in truth I've finally figured out how to do it myself.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Independence Day

"Today is Independence Day, both on the calendar and in my own life."

That is the thought that my mind kept drifting to throughout the day yesterday. The exact thought came into my mind at least two times that I can remember. I let the thought come and go without dwelling on it too much and didn't really think about it again until I got into bed last night. That's when I picked up my ACIM (A Course in Miracles) book, like I always do before going to sleep, to read the lesson for the next day. I happen to be on Lesson 31...and there it was....I was stunned.

The second paragraph from the bottom of the lesson reads, "...In addition, repeat the idea for today as often as possible during the day. Remind yourself that you are making a declaration of independence in the name of your own freedom. And in your freedom lies the freedom of the world." (Click here to read the whole lesson.)

It is beyond synchronicity, it is beyond explanation. I had never read this page before; I hadn't glanced ahead to this lesson the night before, etc. What are the odds that this would happen on Independence Day, in my thoughts throughout the day, and then show up again in ACIM? There's no way this is a coincidence, is it? I'd appreciate thoughts and comments.

I've found a link to the introduction that explains the ACIM Lessons that I am practicing. Click here to read it.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Amazing Feeling

Ok... so everyone is commenting about my "voices" :) I realize it was a rather strange posting, and I wanted to assure everyone that I hadn't gone nuts.

I'm not sure how to explain the "voices" posting without sounding like a religious nutcase, which I can assure you I AM NOT. I have been reading The Course in Miracles for quite some time now. I'm finally up to lesson #27 (out of 365), but that's besides the point. In the Course it talks over and over about hearing the "voice" of God or the Holy Spirit in your heart. Well, for quite some time I was feeling a bit distraught because I didn't think I was hearing the "voice". I was starting to lose my belief, question my sanity, and generally felt pointless. The posting last night was the culmination of that anxiety. Moments after publishing that post, I went upstairs into my living room feeling terrible. Utterly lost and kind of numb. That's when something I think was amazing happened.

I flipped the TV channel to ABC's Primetime Live. They did two different stories, one about "James 3" the little boy who was having flashes from a previous life at the age of 2. The other story about Greg Rice, the 58 year old man who when diagnosed with Parkinson's disease could suddenly compose amazing music (with no formal or previous musical training or ability). Not just any music either, symphonies! In describing the first time he sat down to the piano, "Something just took over my hands and just played," he said. "I got at the piano and I started playing chords and scales and this tune came to me & Then about a month later I wrote another piece, and then I wrote another piece. And it just kept coming."

Both stories were amazing and completely unexpected. The subjects were exactly what I needed to hear about (just at the right moment- synchronicities). The first story about being reincarnated, a perfect illustration of Course principles [we all come back, until we ALL get it right]. And, the second story, the music is coming through him in one of his darkest times. He said it was a spiritual experience and I believe him. I went to bed feeling renewed, both in belief and in an internal way that I haven't felt in a loooonnngg time. I picked up the Course from my nightstand and flipped through the pages randomly (as I often do), choosing a paragraph to read , and of course, like always the text was relating exactly to what I was going through at the moment (as it always does). I can't explain it, I don't understand how it works, I know how crazy it sounds, but I also know that it's all ok anyways.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a year (maybe longer). Today, out of the blue, a friend emailed me that hasn't responded to my messages/emails in months. Strange how things work....

"Above all else I want to see. Vision has no cost to anyone. It can only bless." Lesson 27, A Course in Miracles