Friday, February 24, 2006

by Adrienne Rich

you're beginning to float free
up through the smoke of bushfires
and incinerators
the unleafed branches won't hold you
nor the radar aerials

You're what the autumn knew would happen
after the last collapse
of primary colour
once the last absolutes were torn to pieces
you could begin

How you broke open, what sheathed you
until this moment
I know nothing about it
my ignorance of you amazes me
now that I watch you
starting to give yourself
away to the wind

Monday, February 20, 2006


I wish you were all here right now to talk to me. I feel better during the day, but the nights are tough when I'm tired after a whole day of stressing and over thinking my life. I get to the point where my skin starts to crawl from anxiety. I need "out of my head".... I fixate on minute things and blow them out of proportion because of the underlying issues going on in my life.

I feel so needy right now and I hate it. That's not the person I usually am, or at least that I don't want to be. All of my neurosis and insecurities are magnified by ten times right now. It's causing me to ruin the only things that I truly want. I can barely stand to be around myself and I really can't blame anyone else for not wanting to be around me as well. Yet, that is the very thing that I need to get through this time.

Self-sabotage I suppose... I'm rambling and need to sleep. Goodnight stranger friends.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Thank you

Every Sunday Post Secret puts up new postcards. Today I checked the blog just as I do every week. This was one of the new postings. Tears instantly began pouring down my cheeks.

Thursday my therapist asked me if I was "happy to be alive". I hesitated before answering. "Happy" is too strong a word for me to use right now. But, yesterday was my son's 9th birthday and I'm glad that I didn't miss it.

Thank you to all my fellow bloggers for the kind words and offers of support.

I owe another thank you to a person that saved my life that night. However, each time I think about saying it, I also feel equally just as angry.

*Repeat with me* Onward and upward...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


I've debated for two days whether to post this entry. But, as I've said before, if you can't tell your deepest, darkest secrets to a bunch of strangers, then whom can you tell? I've been virtually silent for months, keeping it all inside.

So, here it goes....

Last Wednesday night, I'd had enough - literally reached my limit. Enough pain, hurt, self-pity, guilt, and sadness. I decided I did not want to live to see Thursday.

If you have never personally felt such complete and hopeless despair, then I do not have enough words to make you understand "where I was at" emotionally. If you choose to judge me, do not read any further. If you have "been there", than no explanation is necessary.

I tried very hard to go and it almost worked. But, obviously (and thankfully) it wasn't in the cards. I will leave out the details, better left forgotten.

When I awoke in the hospital someone said to me, "If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have, it's not that hard to do. This was just a cry for help." I looked them square in the face and said, "If I'd have owned a gun, I guarantee I wouldn't be sitting here to hear the stupid comment you just made to me."

Overdosing allowed for a moment of clarity and regret, before falling asleep, which helped to save me. A gun would not have been so forgiving or have let me momentarily re-evaluate my yearning for release. The mistake would have been permanent instead of just the desperate, overwhelming error in judgment that it was.

At the time, I knew my life could be much worse. I knew there were other people surviving through a lot more crap than me. I knew (know) how much I have to live for and be grateful for. I knew how horribly selfish it was to think this was a solution, an easy way out. I knew I was most likely ruining my son's life, but I thought he'd be better off without me. None of those things mattered then, that night.

Simply put, I no longer wanted to be the source of anyone's pain, anger, or disappointment. I now realize that if it had worked, that I would have instead succeeded in forever aligning myself as a source of all those things for the people that love me.

What now? It's got to be "up" from here. This was the bottom I have been plummeting toward for months. Know that love and support (personal and professional) is coming out of the woodwork. At this moment, I feel as if I can now honestly say that I tried absolutely everything within my power to be a failure. None of it has worked. For some unexplainable reason, this has left me feeling stronger and more ready than ever to face my life. After all, there's no other choices left.

Why blog about this? I'm not sure.
What do I expect anyone to say about all this? Nothing much.

Monday, February 06, 2006

The best and worst of times

A post to say that last night SHE moved back home. Gratefulness swells in my soul, even through it all, the only place I truly find a moment of "safe" rest seems to be in her arms. My heart skipped a beat when she actually walked through the front door. Until that moment I didn't want to let myself believe it would happen.

What should be a joyous start to a new life together is instead an immediate, rushed and sometimes strained mission of necessity. An act of selflessness (through somewhat clenched teeth) for her, mental survival for me. A delicate and fragile strand of love between us holding the whole thing together.

For now this is how it must be. A house built on a shaky foundation trying to withstand a hurricane. A hope and a prayer that the strand will strengthen as this "impossible" time in our lives passes.

Counting my blessings....prayers for strength appreciated.

Sums it up

Snow Day
by Lisa Loeb

it's a bad day.
it's a train ride.
it's a bad day.
you're my medicine.

it's a snow day.
it's a full moon.
it's a snow day.

when'd you get down to my bones?
where'll i find that wishing stone?
the beads, the records,
all the calls, and the drinks alone.

first by mind, then by music
you'll make this all less confusing.
it's a slow dive down,
a fast distraction,
a strange fall forward -
my lame reaction.

it's a bad day.
it's a long ride.
It s a bad day.
you're my medicine.

it's a sinking feeling,
pulls me through the seat of chairs.
when will you come rescue me,
find solace, and then take me there?

you'll say, "you re not too tired for this life, and
it's not gonna matter if you fall down twice.
you're not too tired for this life, and
it's not gonna matter if you fall down twice.