Friday, May 28, 2004

Stand up and be counted

Considering the massive conflicting climate of “homosexual” anti-marriage hysteria mixed with the total embracing of gay style sensibilities that seems to be sweeping our country, I’ve decided to blog about the business I own called Qwear Gear. When first deciding to blog I thought maybe I would keep the business out of it. I’ve since decided it might be mildly interesting to others as well. Of course I could be wrong and instead it could possibly bore you to tears (yet to be determined). You can visit our website at:

I live the life of a proclaimed, very lackluster undercover agent of sorts. During the day I work at a non-profit as a marketing and communications manager (which amounts to a glorified graphic designer, yawn). At night I morph into the almighty alternative lifestyle goddess and owner of Qwear Gear.

Qwear Gear is one of the largest, all original lines of Alternative Lifestyle (gay, lesbian, bi, trans, drag queens, drag kings, bears, pride, leather, misc. other fetishes) “stuff” around. I basically started out in 2000 with a few designs for funny t-shirts (mainly designed to amuse myself), selling on eBay. I’ll try to post some of the first designs (all since retired) if I can dig them out of the archives.

Here’s the description of Qwear Gear from one of our eBay “About Us” pages:

"Greetings... from the parallel universe where all are welcome, no matter race, creed, religion, body size OR sexual orientation!

The Tiny Mad Idea...
One day while walking down a non-descript street, I came across the idea in my head of creating a line of GLBT T-shirts. Like stepping on a piece of misplaced bubble gum on a hot sidewalk in July, the idea just stuck with me. Qwear Gear by Sublime Design was born, and I've been doing it ever since... My problem was, I had too many design ideas that covered a large variety of lifestyles and fetishes. I didn't think I would ever find a way to get them all out of my head, and up for sale, to a large enough market, much less others who would understand and enjoy my humor. Guess I was wrong! Ebay has provided a wonderful platform for reaching millions of people who not only got my humor, but also wanted to own a piece of it for themselves. I have been a successful seller for almost four years now. Thanks for looking, and as always...enjoy!"

Then something astounding happened: Other people started buying them! So, I would list more, and other people bought those. On and on it went, and slowly I built up a huge cache of designs, expanding into more and more categories of lifestyles. Today, I have a catalog of well over 500 designs to choose from and lots ‘o stuff the designs can be put on and sold (t-shirts, clocks, stickers, magnets, etc). I still do a fair amount of eBay, but my main focus over the last two years has become selling my products wholesale for others to retail. One of my goals is to open my own store within the next six months or so. We are going to the southern part of Oblivion on June 4th to meet with a realtor and see some properties. I’ll keep you posted….

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Napkin Queen

I have a bonafide napkin fetish. I can't stand seeing one go to waste. I always take the extra napkins home from restaurants if the server gave us too many. Let me revise that statement, I don't actually take them home, I stash them in my car. In the glove box, in the arm-rest holder that opens up, etc. I'm not sure why, where or how I acquired this obsession, but I did. Lilmtty makes fun of me for it... But you know what? When someone is in my car and spills something, I ALWAYS have something to clean it up with. If Jules has a runny nose, he ALWAYS has something to blow it on. If I'm cleaning out my car and need to wipe down the dash, I ALWAYS have something to do it with. On and on...the uses are endless, and hopefully so will be the continued generosity of helpful servers always willing to "bring us a few more napkins" when requested (which I often do when supplies are dwindling). Posted by Hello

Spoonfed Oblivion

TV drones unite! Forget about the fact American soldiers are dying daily in Iraq, forget that the deficit is spiraling out of control, forget that our choices for a new President can be likened to Beavis and Butthead, forget that the rest of the Earth detests our entrails…. Who cares! Like the Beatles sang, “All we need is… television” or, was that “love”, I can’t remember?? After an evening of watching TV my brain is so low-carbed, Kentucky Fried and yearning for a prescription of just about anything to make my allergies and erectial dysfunction go away, that I can’t stand it.

Our evening news opened two nights ago with a heart-stopping scoop of a top story about the missing and/or vandalized Carousel Horses in a neighboring town (a misguided attempt at supposed “public works of art” intended to be a tourist draw). Of course, the horse thieves happened to take the one horse decorated by the group of special, nine fingered, inner city, dyslexic, impoverished, (feel free to add in your own drama drenched adjec-news-tive) and apparently Kleenex lacking school children. Timmy was seen in his classroom making a tearful appeal for the horse’s safe return, with a steady stream of green-slime running directly from his nose into his mouth (don’t worry, he’s apparently getting enough protein in his diet). Mind you, this is the TOP story on the newscast, it seems that the car bomb that killed 30 people yesterday was getting to be too commonplace and boring.

Other channels offer even less riveting but equally mind-numbing fare… Ugly chicks turned into Barbie prototypes (even if it takes a team of 30 doctors and three months healing time), obnoxious women scratching each other’s eyes out for the chance to be hauled off to the new cave by the latest Neanderthal man, worms and maggots spit into a meat grinder out of which the gut wrenching contents are then deposited into your siblings mouth for a chance to win a stupid amount of money, or episodes of Law & Order’s newest series Appallingly Special Sodomized Victims Unit.

I must admit that I spend approximately 15 minutes every other day recounting the previous evenings heaping dish of spoon-fed oblivion with my co-worker, code name: Decadence Sparkleplume (a.k.a. Fancy Platinum). We fill each other in on important developments in TV-Land that one of us might have missed. Sometimes I just feel it’s more exciting and less depressing to talk about the fictional characters on TV than it is to see the reality and sadness of the state of affairs that surround us. Obviously lots of other people agree when you look at the number of viewers calling in to vote for the next ruby-throated, sugar coated American Idol winner. Too bad our next President couldn’t be elected ala American Idol style…. the voter turn out would probably surpass that of any time in history,

Latest News update: The horse thief has been nabbed….Timmy is seen giving other children high-four’s in the background behind the news caster. Apparently the horse was found under very unusual and compromising circumstances on an alleged Pony Play ranch owned by a certain local member of our County Council.

Friday, May 21, 2004

War on Stupidity

Gumball Machine Stereotypes

There is a vinyl collectable phenom sweeping the gumball machines of American that goes by the name of “Homies”. For those of you not familiar, Homies are an assortment of small (approx. 1”) toy figures modeled after members of the Hispanic race. Mind you, Homies are not the usual iconic Hispanic images such as let’s say, a man wearing a traditional sombrero with an acoustic guitar, or a woman in colorful, flowing dresses. But instead by inserting a mere .50 cents (two shiny quarters) into the now electronic automated gumball machines (yes it even accepts dollar bills and gives you change now) we are dispensed our very own, (one of ten in the series) plastic, mildly demeaning, clichéd “west coast/South Compton” type Hispanic thugs. In true ésse fashion some of them are wearing button down shirts (with only the top button fastened) and white t-shirts underneath. Others have on long khaki shorts with white tube socks on pulled up to their knees. It’s all there, tattoos, Hispanic Chica’s in TIGHT blue jeans, even a guy in a wheelchair (reminiscent of the good ‘ol drive-by days). If you’re really lucky you can get one of the older Hispanic Homie gentlemen wearing a purple pimp overcoat and carrying a newspaper and cane under one arm.

Now I must agree Homies are kinda cool and I find it hard to pass by the machines without buying one, but I’m an adult prone to collecting ridiculous things just because they make me laugh. My point is, I simply wonder if it’s a bad idea to be vending these stereotypical toys to kids, and are the Latino and Hispanic populations ok with this? I’m not Hispanic, so who am I to say… it just strikes me as strange. Maybe they do like the idea… Maybe they’d feel it’s nice to finally see toys reflect real life (not to say the whole Latino race is full of thugs and kids in baggy clothes, but a portion of people do look like those portrayed by the Homies).

Can you imagine if someone came out with a line of Bros? Little black guys drinking 40’s of Olde E and bottles of Wild Irish Rose. Maybe one of them could look real shifty and have crack pipe burns around his mouth. Then of course there’d have to be a pregnant woman walking a rotweiller with ten snot nosed kids in tow. Don’t like Bros? How about the Tards then? Small figures modeled after people who are mentally retarded. Maybe a guy with encephalitis, or a kid in a motorized wheelchair with a helmet on…. Both of these ideas are horrible and of course the public (not to mention also the NAACP and Special Olympics) would be probably be outraged. But, again, do you think poor black people who actually sit around all day drinking or a kid with Down’s syndrome would really mind? Or, could they relate and think it was novel to see “action figures” modeled after the real lives they live? I’m really not sure, but I can guarantee that if either of these types of toys were made, SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE (probably me) would buy them.

I can only conclude that since Homies are in the gumball machines that no one really cares and I’m the only fool devoting this much thought to it. So, hey holmes here’s an idea, everyone turn your hat to the left side outta respect for the west coast next time you pass the super dooper gumball machine alter which you can find shorties praying to daily in your local supermarket.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Cancer for Minimum Wage

Today I was smoking a cigarette while waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru for my Mega McCholestrol meal. Two black male employees were changing a advertising banner probably two feet away from my open car window. One gentleman was up sitting up on top of a ladder changing the sign, and the other was standing on the ground smoking a cigarette. The guy on the ground said hi, and I reciprocated the greeting (same with the guy on the ladder).

Then ladder man said, "You shouldn't be smoking, it's bad for you and causes cancer."

And I responded, "So does eating at McDonald's."

The guy on the ground cracked up laughing and took a drag off his smoke.

Then ladder man said, "Yeah, but I need YOU to eat here so I can keep my job and get a car like yours."

I said, "You wouldn't want a car like this!"

The ground guy said, "Why not? It's smooth looking."

Ladder guy said, "Because it's a Chrysler. Looks nice but you gotta replace the brakes every three months."

I laughed, told him he was exactly right then proceeded through line.
I ate my heart attack burger and felt happy in the knowledge that using my body for a dumpster helps ladder man keep his crappy job....

Kitchen Frenzy - New Blog Photo test

Kitchen Frenzy Posted by Hello


Temp Insanity

I watched "21 Grams" last night for the first time, and for some reason it opened up some sort of temporary, spur of the moment, emotional vortex that sent me swirling into what turned out to be a very relieving bout of uncontrollable sobbing. I woke lilmtty up (who was asleep on the loveseat) and told her I needed to be held. She, or course, took me into her arms and sleepily begged to know what was wrong. With tears streaming down my face, I told her I was sorry for yelling at her earlier in the day, and that I loved her. Then I felt like I had to puke, which I promptly did upon arriving in the bathroom. When I emerged back into the living room she was asleep once more with Lola and Minnie curled up next to her. I felt totally better and like I'd just passed through a true moment of temporary insanity. I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in weeks.

BTW- I had a revealation today (I can't remember if it happened while I was awake or asleep), I realized it is much easier for me to be sexual with someone, rather than to be emotionally open with them. Sex comes easy, emotional trust takes me awhile... I wonder how that happened?


My brother is a junkie..... He has struggled with an addiction of one kind or another since he was 16 years old. He is now in his 30's and currently a heavy horse user. I am mad because I no longer have a brother. He is not someone I can trust. He is not someone I can hang out with. He is not someone I can ask to babysit my son. His brain makes him seem normal on the outside, but given the chance and circumstance he would rob me blind to feed his addiction. He lies, he cheats, I suspect he does drugs in front of my 80 year old grandmother that he lives with. He spends her rent money, he spends her grocery money, yet she refuses to kick him out. She loves him, she enables him... She resents me for throwing it in their faces how sick they are.

- Sublime

More bad poetry

The Sun
is one thing I would
not want to be.

The Sun
will never consider
how your mouth
feels (meeting mine)
when I kiss you
alone in the dark.

It (naturally a being of lightness)
would never recognize
the beauty of holding you
(laying asleep)
during hours
of darkness.

Upon it
would be lost
the art and sanctity
of studying your face
in dim light.

The Sun
could not comprehend
feeling the aliveness
(so fiercely I wanted to weep)
of seeing
the meaning of life
among your thighs
by candlelight.

Nor, will the Sun
ever dwell
in the knowledge of
how exquisite
moonlight tastes
shining freshly
on your skin.

To give up
every next day
under the sun
would be a small
price to pay
for living with you
beneath the moon.

- Sublime


The doors on the gloomy rooftop opened
out walked my pouting lover Death.
She brought with her a sullen look
which upon seeing sends stomachs
to sicknesses involuntary consent
Her eyes were red and swollen
tears fell on her exquisite heaving breast
I asked of the disdainful distress
that given her attention
allowed heaven a momentary rest
Her reply was softly spoken
beneath her sweet dulcet breath
Like the whisper of a butterfly
caught hopelessly in sticky spider net
she uttered the two simple words,
“You’re next”.

A wee bit of original poetry.
- Sublime

Sumptuous prospects

I suppose since this is my first post, that I should say something brilliant. Something that will make visitors declare the electrical firing in my brain ingenious while subsequently addicting everyone to my verbal spew. Too bad for you that at the moment I am without ideas, because I realize what a sumptuous prospect being addicted to me could be. More to come ….