Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Best time in a long time (Part II)

Last Saturday morning I woke up early, even though we'd gotten home late from the concert. I called HER to tell her about the concert and that I'd gotten her a t-shirt. The conversation went well (the best one in awhile) and she asked if I wanted her to stop over at the house.

She arrived a bit later and I was happy to see HER. She was happy to see me also and we sat and talked for the next few hours. Just about everything, including the subject of US. We jointly came to the conclusion that we do still love each other, but this time apart has been/is a good thing. Which I have come to believe over the last four weeks. Of course, as you know, the beginning of the separation was terribly painful. After the anger and hurt began to subside, I started feeling ok with it (maybe the meds just kicked

It wasn't until I began showing signs of "intelligent life" re-emerging that we started speaking to each other again. I stuck to my "maintaining radio silence" policy on calling HER. I would only talk to HER if she called me. This seemed to be working out pretty well and helped me to maintain my sanity.

Anyway, once it was time for HER to leave, we actually hugged and kissed (quickly) goodbye. It felt good to have talked through some things. It was also nice to have some pleasant time together with no drama. I'm still terribly in love with HER, but I tried to keep it mostly suppressed since we seemed to be making some progress.

My day continued with an invitation from some friends to have lunch and see a movie. The one friend is the same person that went to the concert with me. The other person is also a woman that is a "newer friend". These women have been so supportive of me even considering the short amount of time I've known them. I met them about the same time as our breakup happened and ever since, they each call me almost everyday and make sure I always have things to do when wanted. I feel very fortunate to have had the "right people" show up at the "right time" in my life lately. So, we went and had a nice lunch and then saw "Skeleton Key" which was a little disappointing, but made up for it by featuring the luscious Kate Hudson partially nude at one point.

By the time the movie was over, I felt exhausted from being out so late on Friday and getting up so early that morning. I went home and decided I was not going back out for the evening as I had planned. Instead I got out a stack of magazines I'd been neglecting, changed into comfortable clothes and spent the evening on the couch. Something I haven't done in a long time... but much needed.

Sunday was the icing on the cake. Coming soon...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Best time in a long time

I'm happy to say that this weekend turned out to be one of the best one's I've had in over a year (maybe longer). I'm still basking in the glow of it all.

Friday started out as an actual fun work day. We had our company summer outing (minature golf - see Flickr pic of my co-worker). Followed by a great catered lunch and team prizes. I got a hole-in-one! The outing was over by 2:30 and that meant I didn't have to take any vacation time for going to the concert in the afternoon.

The concert was FABULOUS and I truly mean that. From start to finish! But, let me back up.... Me and my friend traveled down state to Noblesville (it's near Indianapolis, ADH) leaving around 3:30 pm. It takes about 3 hours from Oblivion to get there.

The person I ended up going with is a "newer" friend. Earlier in the day I had wondered what it was going to be like spending that much time with her and would we have enough things to talk about during the long drive. Well, it turns out that she IS very talkative (opposite of me). But, it was a good thing, because I got to sit back and enjoy the drive without having to really say too much. We stopped and ate at a Sonic on our way there because I'd never been to one before. See my Flickr photo of the menu board (I couldn't resist)! The food was delicious and greasy, plus the carhops had on rollerskates - which made it even cooler.

We arrived at the concert venue right on time. Got parked, got frisked and made it inside with no problem. Our first stop was the merchandise booth (do you really think I could pass up the opportunity to buy a ridiculously overpriced t-shirt?). I mean, t-shirts are my life! Not only did I by one, but I also thought I'd be nice and buy HER one too. I also bought a cute basball cap with Kenny Chesney emblazzened on it. What was the grand total you might ask? $95! But, in my eyes, money well spent (considering what a wonderful time I was about to have).

Then we were off to find somewhere to sit. The place was JAM PACKED, afterall, it was sold out. We had lawn seats and people were already filling up all the way to the top of the hill. As luck would have it, we had just started our climb up the hill when we noticed some people moving their blankets and lawn chairs forward. We dashed into the newly formed open space and planted ourselves there. The view was wonderful! (Really hard to tell from the Flickr pics). By the way, you can see a pic of me (on the left) and my friend (on the right), pay no attention to my completely flat hair - the humidity was terrible, but notice the huge smile!

Pat Green played first and was really good. I only knew one song of his, which is "Wave on Wave". Then Gretchen Wilson played for about an hour. I've never listened to much of her music before either, but she has a wonderful voice. For me, the highlight of her set was "Straight On" by Heart into "Black Dog" by Led Zepplin. Next came Kenny and everyone wend wild. He opened up with a song that I don't really care for, but then made up for it the rest of the night. At one point Kenny said, "I hope you all checked your worries at the gate, and just enjoy the show." For me, that summed up my whole evening and the rest of the concert I tried just staying in the moment. Uncle Cracker came out towards the end of the show and did a few songs. At one point him and Kenny were almost rapping during "Cowboy" by Kidd Rock. It was sorta

And this just happened all on Friday! The events of Saturday and Sunday might follow once I can process it all in my head :)

Friday, August 26, 2005


Tonight I am off to see Kenny Chesney! You'd think going to a concert would be something simple. Think again...

I originally bought these tickets for HER birthday so that her and two friends could go. I'm not a big country music fan (except for Kenny), so originally I wasn't going to go. I thought it would be nice for her to spend time with friends instead. The concert sold out I think in the same day. As the concert approached, we saw more tickets on Ebay and talked about me going too. I ended up buying a fourth ticket for myself and paying $100 for it (a lawn seat at that)! I was really looking forward to going getting out of Oblivion and having a good time.

Enter in one breakup and said tickets still in my possession.

Many arguments later it was decided to sell all 4 tickets. Well, a few days after that she called back and offered to buy them from me. Like HELL was someone going in my place. Maybe childish of me, but that's how I felt. After a few more arguments and subsequent cooling off periods me and HER decided to just go together and sell the other two tickets. Mind you, this was on Monday. Yesterday, she calls me to say she's had the flu for the previous two days and didn't think it was a good idea to go.

*insert random unrepeatable expressions of frustration*

Long story short, I was able to sell two of the tickets on Ebay last night! They were e-tickets so I just emailed them to the buyer. The auction sold in less than ten minutes and I got a little more back than I paid for them. After endless searching yesterday I was able to find a friend to go with me to the concert. Just got off the phone with her and everything is set...

Basically, I'm saying these tickets have been a maddening experience and I hope it will all be worth it. I'll try to Flickr some photos during the trip. Kenny here we come, Momma needs a good time! :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Lesson 68

I found that my ACIM lesson for today was exceptionally useful. I thought I might share it with everyone...

If you are uncomfortable with the words God or Creator, please feel free to substitute them for whatever fits you. It's the message that's important, not the mechanics.

Click here to read

It's a few paragraphs long, but worth it. Maybe it will be the best thing you read all day.

Monday, August 22, 2005


Thank you to everyone all of your positive messages. I appreciate it and they have helped. Please excuse my lack of posts while trying to get my head (and heart) back together.

Friday, August 19, 2005

The relationship is over...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Today is another day

Yesterday was a very long day.

I went to work in the morning and by 10:30 I felt sick to my stomach and exhausted. I decided to leave for the rest of the day. I had already spoken with my insurance company and made the appointment with the new therapist.

Once I left work, I ran a few errands and made it home just in time to get a call from my doctor’s office. I had also called them earlier in the morning to see if they could fit me in for an urgent appointment (to discuss getting back on some sort of an anti-depressant). I was in luck…they could get me in at 3:00. I laid around for the next two hours trying to catch a nap, but even with feeling so tired, I could not really sleep. I feel like I’m going to sleep, but my brain doesn’t stop. I wake up every 20 minutes or so feeling like I wasn’t asleep at all. I finally just got up and left for the doctor’s office early.

In the past, I’ve taken some medications that have helped my depressive episodes, and also some that have made me 10 times worse (not to mention just plain nutso). I’ve never felt like any have truly ever been the right combination, so I gave up trying. I finally swore off anti-depressants about 7 months ago, determined to give it a try on my own. Recently, the caring words of people thinking clearier than I, have convinced me that I need a bit of chemical help through this one. My fear of going back to the “bad place” of wrong medicine scares me to death. But, being here, like this, right now is worse.

So, when I spoke with the doctor I was very clear about what types of medicine I did NOT want. No SSRI’s, PERIOD. The first time I took an SSRI (Prozac), I was sixteen and I was quickly prompted to try and kill myself. After two days in a coma, I pulled through. But, that was before people started paying attention to the link between Prozac and suicide. My medication was never blamed… The second time I took an SSRI (Paxil) was a few years ago. Unfortunately, I decided on my own it was ok to also take a prescription amphetamine (unbeknownst to my doctor) for weight loss at the same time. *Let’s just say the results were disastrous. *

I also cannot take anything with ANY type of sedative qualities or I will be a zombie. (Hell, even a simple, harmless Tylenol P.M. makes me a zombie the next day). So, after listening to me for ten minutes about what I refuse to take, the doctor prescribes me something I tried briefly once before. But, the last time I took it, he had combined it with something else and we weren’t sure which of the two meds didn’t agree with me. This time I am going to take it alone and we shall see what happens. I’m hoping above all other hopes that it works….

I left the doctor’s office and picked my son up. He was at his Dad’s house since last Tuesday and it was wonderful to see him. Huge hugs go a long way…. We went home and chit-chatted in the backyard, he jumped on his trampoline and I cleaned the pool.

A bit later the home phone rang…. It was her. Surprisingly, I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I felt like yesterday was all about trying to get my head on straight and I didn’t need any more input at the moment. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. Again, it was her and again, I didn’t answer. I felt a bit childish not answering or calling her back, but in another way it also felt like a small victory for myself. Yesterday marked the first time we had not spoken to each other for a whole day in years.

By 6:00, two of my friends stopped by to pick up my son, so I could go to the therapist’s appointment. Off I went, to meet her. She was WONDERFUL! I’ve never been able to find a therapist that I’ve liked, so this was another *big* first. I’m going to see her twice a week until I feel like I can drop down to the normal once a week. She really made me feel comfortable. She also suggested I try keeping a journal. Actually, she was the THIRD person to mention journaling to me in the last four days…lol. When that happens to me, I pay attention. I left her office and went straight to Borders to find a new blank journal.

I then picked my son back up and we headed home. I crawled into bed at about 11:00, after meditating and writing in the journal. Too bad, I was awake again after only two hours…..

Today is another day and I’m feeling a bit numb.

Monday, August 15, 2005

My feelings are swinging from
one end of the spectrum to the other

I have what feels like a burning lump in the back of my throat
at all times

Encouraging words from my stranger-friends

No phone call from her

Authorized for 7 sessions with a new therapist
She's a Ph.D. Pastoral Counselor and comes
from a Unitarian faith
I'm meeting her tonight at 6:00
She doesn't know it yet, but it feels like
she's the only hope I've got

I wish I could stop crying, it makes driving very difficult :)

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Still trying to breathe

the big talk finally took place
says I forced her to face the conversation
maybe I did for my own sanity
met in a restaurant
restrained voices
my tears were another story
"I can't do this alone [life]"
words that cut me in half
at one point it was definitely over
more talking and a few soul grabbing
desperate embraces
upon parting there seemed to be some

her phone call
I'd forced myself to spend time
with some friends
but was headed home
I asked her to meet me there
finally a night together
"no talking about it" I said to myself
savor this momentary truce
hold onto the feeling of her touch
and the smell of her skin

I once read a poem that said
“kisses aren't contracts”
these were the first words
through my head upon waking
but still hoping for a miracle

she was the first one up this morning
gathering more of her clothes
and things
"This time together was a good thing.
I'm still going to be here for you"
but really she'll be there, not here

for me it's usually all or nothing
now I feel forced in-between
I don't do good with the unknown
choices and outcomes are
usually weighed far ahead of decisions
now feeling stuck in the void

"time apart" has now become indefinite

and my heart is officially broken

A poem - Death (revisted)

The door on the gloomy rooftop opened
out walked my pouting lover, Death.
She brought with her a sullen look
which upon seeing

sends stomachs to sicknesses involuntary consent
Her eyes were red and swollen
tears fell on her exquisite heaving breast

I inquired of the disdainful distress
that given her attention
allowed heaven a momentary rest

Her reply was softly spoken
beneath her sweet dulcet breath
Like the whisper of a butterfly
caught hopelessly in sticky spider net

She turned to me and uttered

the two simple words,
You’re next

I wrote this poem a little over a year ago. It's posted somewhere back in my archives, but I thought I'd post it again for my new friends. I'd love to know what people think of it.....
After writing this, I was inspired to find a picture to go with it. That is how I came across the image I use as the icon in my profile. Somehow these two things suit me.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Roller Coaster Ride

Describes my life yesterday to a T.
I woke up feeling ok with it.
"Maybe it's a good thing".
Time apart (she's gone for a week)
Needs a break.
My paranoia has been out of control.

I went to work.
8 hours in front of this keyboard.
The thoughts started creeping in.
By noon, I'd surpassed even allowing myself to
be comforted by The Course.
By 5, I was alone, lonely, mad, simply sad.
"Don't call her." was my mantra.
By 6, I was home -- empty house.

"I thought you'd drop it off at home while I was at work"
"Oh, I forgot. I'm on my way to a friend's house. I'll stop by later."
Tears rolling down cheeks.
Bottom of emotional barrel.
Worlds colliding.
Signal failed.
Frantically redialing.
"Did you hang up on me?"
"No. It's this phone."
"I don't know what else to say."
"I need to go."
Abandonment issues kick in

Ripped in two
No comfort in anything
When's this going to end
Ego, ego, ego - dramatic stage lighting
Enraged that I can't bring myself to it
I can't ruin Julian's life
Crumpled on the couch
Standing on the edge of the cliff
Close-up shot of loose rocks spilling over as I begin to lose my footing

"Call Amgrace. Pick up the phone and call her."
She answers (a miracle in it's self)
Let's me get it out, no judging, mirrors my thoughts back to me
Points me in the direction of the conclusions I already know
Focus on the reality, not past, not future
"It's the depression talking. Why are you not taking any meds?"
"I wanted to try dealing with life by myself."
"Sometimes we can't do it by ourselves."
Words that resonate, life lesson I've been working on
She offers her hand to help me step down
And held my hand the whole walk back

Breathing again
Tears drying up
Wash the nicotine off my hands from the cigarettes I was
sucking down in one drag
Repairs to the heart already in progress
Off to pick up Julian

Back home 9:30
I heard it, but didn't want to know that I knew what it meant
Through the back gate
Standing on the front sidewalk
I look to the street
Car stopped, driver gets out, accessing my knowledge
Me, not wanting to get any closer
I knew, but he looked a bit crazy, young, maybe high
He mumbles something about needing directions
"I don't know"
Back in his car and leaves
I walk to the other side of my car parked out front
I already knew
He backed into it when he turned around in the neighbor's driveway
I usually pull up further when I park, to leave room for her Jeep
But not tonight, she's not coming home, I will take up both spots
Unfortunately placed directly across from neighbor's steep drive
Someone who didn't know that driveway is tricky with a car
parked across from it
No taillights on his car, good description, but didn't see the
license plate. "Not much we can do to find him." said the officer

Back in panic mode, when it rains it pours
Call to tell her
No answer
No answer
No answer
No answer
Like magic, tentative "Hello"
Long conversation - the car, us, I feel cursed, wit's end (again -
"JUST Breathe"
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry this is hurting you."
Not breaking up, just a break
"I love you."
"I love you too."

What I needed to hear all day.

On a brighter note...

My latest and greatest new product for my side business, Qwear Gear (pronounced like Queer Gear) has arrived! I've decided to create my own line of stickers (outdoor ones people can put on cars, boats, motorcycles, etc.) using my original designs.

I started with one of my most popular designs. As you can see, it's a Tribal Sun filled in with the rainbow pride colors. In the middle of the sun are 2 intertwined women's gender symbols. I think they look great...but then again, I'm hardly neutral on the subject. What do you think?

I forgot to add... if you want one yourself, I've got them on Ebay already. (Click here to see the auctions)

Monday, August 08, 2005


Sometimes relationships suck....

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
~Mahatma Gandhi

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Lilly pads

Lilly pads
Lilly pads,
originally uploaded by qweargear.
Check out new pictures I posted on Flickr yesterday! They are of the beautiful and peaceful work of art that my Mother has created using plants and flowers as her paint and her pond as the canvas.