Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Way We Were......

I couldn't let the year end without at least a post to say Happy New Year everyone.

So many things have been happening lately that I don't think I could keep up blogging them if I tried. Know that I am doing much, much better and feel that I'll be starting 2006 with a clean slate.

Tonight I will be surrounded by friends, some new, some old, but all wonderful. I wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's Eve!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Christmas to you...

Just a quick note to say Happy Holidays to all my dear blogger friends. May you all drink lots of egg nog, gracefully survive any family gatherings and be blessed with knowing you are loved.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Friday, December 16, 2005

One down and one to go...

It's only quarter after 3:00 in the afternoon and I've already had 2 bloody mary's. But, at least I survived the office holiday party. The cold/flu I've been suffering all week seems to have subsided or is possibly just experiencing a vodka induced lull.

My son is gone to his Dad's house for the weekend and I'm off work the rest of the day. In a few hours I'll be on to another more festive and fun party this evening. I fit into a pair of pants yesterday that I haven't been able to wear in 6 years, so to celebrate I'm leaving to go find/buy a sassy little(r) outfit for the party. I'll try to Flickr a few photos of me and the boys tonight (if I remember).

Christmas presents for my liver might be in order this year (it's had a rough couple of months).

Official tally sheet:
4 1/2 months apart
10 sessions with my therapist
30 lbs. lost
5 new friends made
all blessings counted

Cheers!

Monday, December 05, 2005

James Blunt


He has a simply amazing voice and deep, rich lyrics. He performed on SNL this last Saturday and sang this song. I was in instantly in tears, my exact feelings in song version. I bought his CD, "Back To Bedlam" on Sunday. The whole thing is wonderful. If you haven't heard him yet, hopefully you soon will.

Goodbye My Lover (Lyrics)

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Everything Was About To Change


This photo was taken of me (c. 1996) on an unseasonably warm spring day. I was out walking in a huge park we have here in Oblivion, it's a day I vividly remember.

I was freshly out of a 2 year relationship with a high school sweetheart. That year, I was enjoying having turned 21 years old and reaching legal drinking age. Me and some friends would go out to the bars almost nightly and knew the drink specials of every place in town. I was renting a large, old house in our local historical district and working in a photo lab. I was just beginning to be honest with myself about my sexuality. I felt free and carefree... Little did i know, everything was about to change. This was about a month before I found out I was pregnant.

I never believed that I wanted to have any children. I use to say that if I ever got pregnant, I would have an abortion. I believed there were already enough children in the world that needed people to love them. I'd never been around too many kids and didn't even particularly care for them. My son came as a surprise. But, oddly, when the 3 home pregnancy tests confirmed that he was on the way, I never once questioned that I would keep the baby. It truly was the day that changed my life forever.

Looking back at this photo now knowing where my life was headed, makes me want to reach out to the girl in the photo and tell her that her world is about to be shaken. I also want to tell her that it's going to be alright.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Sunday comes late...

This is a picture of me (c.1997) taken in Key West, FL. while on vacation with my mother. We had a wonderful time sipping drinks (morning, noon and night!) shopping, and just hanging together. My son was only a few months old at the time and this was the first time I had been away from him. I remember wondering if I was a bad mother because I wanted to go on vacation. Seems so silly now...lol.

I was young, thin, had BIG hair and felt like a new chapter in my life was about to be written. Not long after returning from vacation, I came out of the closet to my family. In a sense, it really was a new beginning for me...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Thankful


I am thankful every day for my son, my family and friends (including blogger friends) that have helped me through these difficult months. In the last year, I have come to realize how blessed I truly am. Sometimes the result of seemingly extraordinarily hard circumstances can be gratefulness. This lesson I've learned is one that I hope to never forget.

Last year around Thanksgiving I was severely depressed. On Thanksgiving day, Me and my partner got into some stupid argument (over something I can't recall) and I remember sitting in my basement, on a chair crying. I said, "Today's Thanksgiving and I have nothing to be thankful for.” Basically, I was having a big pity party for myself.

It had snowed a lot that day and in the afternoon I went out to warm up and clean off my car, because I had to go pick up my Grandma for dinner. I briefly came back in the house and five minutes later my son comes running into the kitchen asking if I already left. I said, "No, I'm right here, silly." Then he said, "Oh, I thought you left, because your car is gone." I looked out the window and he was right....my car WAS GONE! Someone must have seen me start it up and go back in the house, then decided to take off in it. I was in shock...getting your car stolen on Thanksgiving is not pleasant. It was the worst Thanksgiving ever. I ended up getting the car back, practically unharmed, a few days later. The moral of the story? Life took swift action in reminding me exactly how much I did have to be thankful for, and that things can get much worse.

I have never felt like a strong person until now. That day was the beginning of a year filled with many tests of my true strength. One of my toughest challenges has been realizing that I took my partner (and a few other people) mostly for granted. In the case of HER, I have paid the ultimate price. For the others, I will try to reach out and re-establish our bonds.

As I look back over this time, I've come to realize that not only am I strong, but I am also brave, deserving of the love others have for me and very, very thankful for all the things and people that I have in my life.

Hugs and kisses to everyone that reads this blog. You have all become like distant, extended family of sorts. Your own writings have inspired me, at times brought me to tears, and often made me laugh out loud.

I hope I can look back next year and find that I've had days filled more with love and laughter, than heartache. I wish each and every one of us a very happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.

PS - For all my GLBT friends, do you like the gay pride turkey I designed? Feel free to post him on your blog if you want! :)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Sunday comes early...



I will probably not be around to post for Photo Sunday this week, so I thought I'd put up my picture early. This was taken of me (c. 1997) at a bar called "The Groovy Mule" near Dallas, TX. A good friend of mine (who I was in town visiting) worked as a bartender at this bar. The only thing I really remember from that night is that I was drinking the house specialty called "Mule Fuel" and woke up the next morning with 10 of their commemorative cups (all of which I'm pretty sure I drank myself...lol). That's a good drunk smile if ever there was one!

Notice how the choker necklace nicely accents the scar on my neck from where I had part of my thyroid removed earlier that year. (Click on the pictre to enlarge)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I Hated High School


Here's me the summer before my senior year of high school (c. 1991-92) at my best friend's house. She lived with her Grandparents and actually had a sliding door in her room that led to the backyard. Not sure which genius thought it was a good idea to give a 17 year old girl a bedroom with her own private entrance, but it was WONDERFUL for us! We would sneak out and go drinking, then creep back in at ungodly hours of the night.

My hair was the longest it's ever been in my life. I had two new hair wraps in from the latest Dead show I'd just been to in Chicago. I so needed someone to tell me I should be plucking my eyebrows and I'm not sure how I ever thought it was stylish to wear black nylons and shorts?? But, it was all the rage with me and my friends at the time...lol.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Little Sublime


I came across this Kindergarten picture (c. 1979) and thought I'd share. Check out the Holly Hobby dress and home haircut!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The PC Club

I heart postcards.

I love to send and receive postcards. I've always collected interesting postcards, on and on. So, this idea has been stewing in my head for awhile (frankly, ever since I came across the Post Secret blog) and now feels like the time to act upon it.

I'm starting a Postcard Club ("The PC Club" for lack of a better name). The premise is simple.... I will start a list of the names and addresses of people that want to send/receive postcards. Once a month I will send a postcard to you and you can send one back to me. That's it! Just a bit of something fun and interesting showing up in your mailbox on a random day.

If enough people sign up to participate, I'll think of someway to start a rotating Postcard pool where you can send a card to someone new each month. The trick with that is that some people may not want their info (name, address) shared with others. I have a PO Box, so that makes it easier...

If anyone should feel moved to participate and throw their hat into the ring, send me an email with your name (real and/or blogger) and address. Also, be sure to include a note stating if you want your info kept private or if you don't mind sharing with other Postcard Club members down the road.

This could be be alot of fun.... Email me at
sublimedesign[at]sbcglobal.net to join the list. Please do not post your info in the comments section!!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Grateful

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I made it through the day. Thank you for the supportive words and thoughts.

The day was very stressful and I'm exhausted. Everything was not quite laid to rest as expected. I will have to endure one more day of this in just over a month from now. However, the worst of it is over and many of my fears have passed.

I have found sources of strength inside me that I never knew I possessed. Most of all, I thank the greater good.

"My brother, peace and joy I offer you,
That I may have God's peace and joy as mine."
-ACIM, Lesson #105

"I will be still and listen to the truth."
-ACIM, Lesson #106

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Day Two

I awoke this morning to remember that tomorrow is Day Two.

"My panic level is already going through the roof." I said, while popping my first Xanex of the day.

Think of the worst day of your life, multiply it by two and then you can imagine what my fear of tomorrow is like. Until now, I've basically been counting down the days and just trying not to think about it. I should have written up this post yesterday, because right now I am so consumed with anxiety that isn't allowing me to think very clearly.

It is a necessary day that will allow me to move on to a new chapter in my life, for that I am grateful. But, it's the unknown, the stress and the chance of a negative outcome that's grabbing me by the neck.

I need arms around my shoulders, positive words whispered in my direction, and all the prayers anyone can offer for me for a good outcome tomorrow. Light a candle for me today, will ya?

If things go ok, I'll try to post tomorrow night.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween

Check out all the new Flickr pictures I uploaded over the weekend during my Halloween party jaunts...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Can't decide which is scarier...

... the Halloween costumes my brother and I are wearing in this picture (c. 1979) or my Grandmother's zebra striped couch in the background. This might also be proof that I had a fondness for nude women, even back then.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Laughter

In case you haven't seen this.....

1. Go to Google (http://www.google.com)

2. Type in the word "failure"

3. Instead of clicking "Google Search" click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

4. Laugh out loud

5. Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Checking in

I wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm doing ok. It seems I've managed to muster a little peace, however I'm still "resting my eyes".

Maybe I'll be ready to talk in a few days.

Until then, take care.

- Sublime

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

...Out of Dodge

I am leaving for awhile to repair my mind. Goodbye for now...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Home Sweet Home

A post on Inger’s blog has me thinking about the concept of “home”. It occurred to me while reading it that I’ve never really had someplace feel too much like “home”.

Of course, I have a house now, but it seems empty. The houses of my childhood also seemed empty. No big family dinners to reminisce about, no wonderful backyard parties, no cookies baking in the oven, no family traditions (maybe those are all “Hallmark card” things and not reality anyway). Basically, there was just not a lot of happiness, but not unhappy either, rather in-between - like I have always felt.

I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone around me that could show me what happiness was like. I’m not sure I know what it is to be truly happy, I’ve never expected happiness for myself, or maybe have just never thought it was obtainable. In a lot of ways my parents were severely unhappy. Married young, worked way too much, relationship started suffering, problems raising my brother, relatives with big issues, etc. No one ever seemed happy or satisfied with his or her lives. The houses we lived in always seemed quiet, impassive and numb. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood, because I didn’t. Materially, I had a lot of things to be thankful for and tons of people had it a lot worse off than us. But emotionally, it’s like we were stunted.

I guess I’ve always mirrored that because I didn’t know it could be any different. As I grew up, I surrounded myself with even more unhappiness with the friends I chose, things I did, and so on. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Julian’s Dad wanted to marry me, but I knew I was in the closet and didn’t want anything to do with him. Two weeks after Julian was born, I came OUT (perfect timing, I know), then moved out. I was on my “own” for the first time and now with a child. Eventually meeting my partner when Julian was just over a year old. It was magical and I was head-over-heels in love. Things seemed right for the first time ever. A few years later we bought our house together. For me, it was a huge deal and I was determined it would become a “home” full of great family memories. I remember being so excited the day of the signing, like I was starting out on a new adventure. Me, HER and my son in a house, like a real family.

I think one of the reasons this separation between HER and me has been so painful is because I treasure our “family”. “We might not have much, but we’ve got each other” type of thing. I wanted Julian to grow up feeling happiness, togetherness, joy, SOMETHING, ANYTHING. The last year or two I have felt the house start feeling more and more empty as the spaces between us widened. The loneliness I’ve always been so familiar with seemed to seep into the foundation and permeate the walls until it finally overtook the whole house and us.

Now, in these weeks since she’s left, after the initial shock wore off, I’ve been feeling like there’s more and more hope each day. I feel like fighting back against that darkness and throwing open all the windows and doors. I feel like standing up and declaring “Enough is enough, I want to be HAPPY.”

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Send your condolences to my liver

I think I finally killed it off this past weekend....

I did lots of good old fashioned drowning of my sorrows.

Somehow it seemed to have worked wonders, at least until I sobered up.

It took until today to finally feel human again, but at least I can say I had fun.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Critique

Once in awhile I like to put my poetry up for review... I'd completely forgot that I'd written this one for HER more than a year ago. I came across it today reading through some of my first posts on this blog. Since most people don't often read through the archives, I thought I'd re-post it for all the new readers. Like to know what people honestly think... is it ok, cheesy, or just plain bad?
_______________________________________________________

The Sun
is one thing I would
not want to be.

The Sun
will never consider
how your mouth
feels (meeting mine)
when I kiss you
alone in the dark.

It (naturally a being of lightness)
would never recognize
the beauty of holding you
(laying asleep)
during hours
of darkness.

Upon it
would be lost
the art and sanctity
of studying your face
in dim light.

The Sun
could not comprehend
feeling the aliveness
(so fiercely I wanted to weep)
of seeing
the meaning of life
(unfolding)
among your thighs
by candlelight.

Nor, will the Sun
ever dwell
in the knowledge of
how exquisite
moonlight tastes
shining freshly
on your skin.

To give up
every next day
under the sun
would be a small
price to pay
for living with you
beneath the moon.


-Sublime

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Please do not choke me...

Dear blogger friends,

Please do not choke me… But, this is another one about HER. Every day lately is like spinning a wheel, you never know how SHE or I will react. One day fine, the next, not so fine.

I suppose I'm hoping that by baring it all on these pages, it will somehow expose the "dirty secret" of the hell I'm putting myself through so I can come to terms with how I've been acting.

PS: Please excuse the outbursts of foul language.
____________________________________________

4:15 pm - Day One events end

No cell phone reception until 5:00 while driving

5:15 - First call to HER cell phone, as previously
discussed, arranged and agreed to by HER
to talk about Day One outcome - No answer

5:30 - Pick up my son, he wants to call HER
HER cell phone is off (which to me means she saw
that I called at 5:15. Didn’t call me back, want to
talk to me, or give a shit about Day One outcome
- hence phone off)

5:45 – Phone off

7:30 – She answers, “Well? How did it go?”
With my son standing there, I could not talk about it, my head was
splitting open from pain, my heart doing likewise over
her lack of caring/concern. HER, “I’ll call you back later.”

7:31 – 8:29 - Me foolishly thinking she will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me after “Day One”
(these thoughts pretty much were applied throughout the
whole day, not just specified time frame)

8:30 - my son goes to bed, my Xanex has wore off
No call
Panic attack over day’s events setting in

9:45 – No answer, I leave panicked message to please call me back

10:00 – Phone off
10:01 - Nearly hysterical
10:05 – Phone call to house where SHE is staying – no answer
10:10 – (See previous entry, repeat)
10:15 – My phone rings, HER screaming at me that I’m stalking HER
Officially hysterical, now also dealing with the screaming and stalking comment
10:17 – She hangs up on me

1:00 - 4:30 am – Me waking up repeatedly, resuming panicked feelings

5:15 – Calling cell phone (SHE answers on her way to work)
I apologize for previous night’s hysterical outburst
Go on to tell HER about Day One outcome
genuine concern and shock over magnitude of Day One events
Me thinking, “NO SHIT! Really, I hadn’t realized it was such
a bad day.”

10:00 – HER calling me at work, going off about Day One events, feeling a bit of what it was like to be in my shoes.
10:07 - HER, “I’ll call you back.”

Presently – Me foolishly thinking/hoping SHE will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me today to make up for yesterday

...and I'd still be happy if she did actually show up or call.

_____________________________________________________

Really, what the FUCK is wrong with me? After the stress of my day, why did I do this to myself? I see a repeated pattern here – ME! ME! ME! I have no one else to blame, but ME! Why do I think a magical moment from her on the phone is going to heal my every sorrow or save my soul? What she thought of as stalking was me desperately trying to reach out for someone who would have normally comforted me in this time of great stress.

Maybe I should just get my phone disconnected, break my dialing fingers or have my mind erased. Feel free to ridicule me in the comments, I deserve it.

Alive

"Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
You’re still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers.."


If you don't already know, these are lyrics from the song, Alive, by Pearl Jam. Ever since the song was released it has always popped up in my life whenever I am in crisis, (like at the exact moment). I use to not think much about it, but it has gotten very deliberate.

Yesterday afternoon it did not disappoint, and when I was driving home it came on the radio. I thought it might be a good way to let you all know that I survived Day One.

The encouraging comments everyone left on my last post did indeed seem to sprout hands that I reassuringly felt on my shoulder throughout the day. Thank you to everyone for the support.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Positive thoughts and prayers

I don't usually blatantly ask for positive thoughts and prayers to be sent my way, but please allow me this exception.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be facing an extremely difficult and very stressful day in my life (which is an understatement). Sorry I cannot elaborate, but maybe some day when I'm ready to get it off my chest, I will.

Tomorrow will be Day One of a two part series (or, as I like to call it, the beginning of the grateful end). The second date has not yet been determined, but promises to be even more traumatic than tomorrow. These days have been a long time coming. Even though it is so painful to deal with, once over, it will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders that I've carried around for more than a year.

I'd like to think that by combining the power and positiveness in us all, that it could possibly make a difference for me tomorrow. It would be helpful to have some words to hold onto tomorrow during the difficult times if you have any to share.

I ask for a small place in your prayers, positive thoughts, angel blessings, pagan rituals, Zen meditations, cosmic wonderings, Santeria sacrifices, and - *insert other spiritual fervors here* - tonight and tomorrow if you would be so kind as to remember me…..because I will need them all.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Ellis

Tonight I had the unexpected pleasure of seeing Ellis play a small concert here in our city. Before a few days ago, I had never heard of her. There's some sample songs on her website if you want to take a listen.

Earlier in the evening, I went to dinner with a few friends and then they suggested we go see her performance. It was a small, intimate setting and I was utterly transfixed on the music from beginning to end. I wound up buying two of her CD's, both of which she signed for me.

Simply put, she was amazing... I can't believe she hasn't "made it" in a big way yet. Someone did tell me that she has been featured in Girlfriends magazine, but I don't remember seeing the article. Not only is she a sexy lesbian with a guitar, but she also had some of the most heartfelt song lyrics I've heard in a long time. If I had to describe her sound, I would say she is kind of a folksy Alanis Morissette.

I wonder if anyone of you have ever heard of her, or have seen her perform? If not, be sure to check the tour dates and see her if you can!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

The question has been decided for me

I called to see what she might
like tomorrow night for a
dinner I planned on making for us

She responded by telling me
she doesn't want to come back home yet

Why did I set myself up to be crushed?

I guess the question has been
decided for me...

I feel so pathetic and sad.

Disregard previous post.

My Big Question

Here I stand at a crossroads

Feeling terrified
of making the wrong decision
My emotions still tumble and lurch
like rocks put in a dryer
Only not as rapidly now
seeming to merely prolong the pain
that manages to keep
creeping in sometime during
the night while I’m asleep

HER past words still
ring freshly in my ears
as if they’ve just been spoken
“Don’t settle for me”
“I believe there’s someone
else out there for you better
than me”
It sounds like an excuse
to NOT be “the one for me”
I’ve never felt
like I was settling
But maybe SHE is right
I do not know any more

Tomorrow is suppose to be
the day SHE possibly comes home
Holding my breath (but trying not to)
Looking at the sunshine
On the other side of the open door I have
yet to walk through
Knowing it could be
slammed at any moment

A friendly face turned to me
and asked, “Is it worth it?”
Impulsively a “yes” then only
uncertainty

It’s been almost 6 weeks
Since SHE walked out
I was left, “served divorce papers”
and cut off emotionally and
completely in one moment
At least a “divorce” between those
able to be legally married
is gradual
for US there isn’t that luxury

At times it has gotten easier
I can go more than a day
without calling HER
I can go an hour without
thinking about HER
I can go a moment without
remembering I’m sad

Maybe it’s better to forget
Trudge on through the pain
I don’t want to go backwards
There’s no saving
the old relationship
Not enough
“I’m sorry’s” to go around
It would have to be
a whole new relationship
with commitment
to building it from both sides

“Is it possible?”
I wonder aloud
before starting to cry
again -
still

I hear the White Stripes sing,
“Is this really love?”

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Light

Taking things very s-l-o-w-l-y.....

Me and HER are (attempting) to talk things through.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Best time in a long time (Part II)

Last Saturday morning I woke up early, even though we'd gotten home late from the concert. I called HER to tell her about the concert and that I'd gotten her a t-shirt. The conversation went well (the best one in awhile) and she asked if I wanted her to stop over at the house.

She arrived a bit later and I was happy to see HER. She was happy to see me also and we sat and talked for the next few hours. Just about everything, including the subject of US. We jointly came to the conclusion that we do still love each other, but this time apart has been/is a good thing. Which I have come to believe over the last four weeks. Of course, as you know, the beginning of the separation was terribly painful. After the anger and hurt began to subside, I started feeling ok with it (maybe the meds just kicked in...lol).

It wasn't until I began showing signs of "intelligent life" re-emerging that we started speaking to each other again. I stuck to my "maintaining radio silence" policy on calling HER. I would only talk to HER if she called me. This seemed to be working out pretty well and helped me to maintain my sanity.

Anyway, once it was time for HER to leave, we actually hugged and kissed (quickly) goodbye. It felt good to have talked through some things. It was also nice to have some pleasant time together with no drama. I'm still terribly in love with HER, but I tried to keep it mostly suppressed since we seemed to be making some progress.

My day continued with an invitation from some friends to have lunch and see a movie. The one friend is the same person that went to the concert with me. The other person is also a woman that is a "newer friend". These women have been so supportive of me even considering the short amount of time I've known them. I met them about the same time as our breakup happened and ever since, they each call me almost everyday and make sure I always have things to do when wanted. I feel very fortunate to have had the "right people" show up at the "right time" in my life lately. So, we went and had a nice lunch and then saw "Skeleton Key" which was a little disappointing, but made up for it by featuring the luscious Kate Hudson partially nude at one point.

By the time the movie was over, I felt exhausted from being out so late on Friday and getting up so early that morning. I went home and decided I was not going back out for the evening as I had planned. Instead I got out a stack of magazines I'd been neglecting, changed into comfortable clothes and spent the evening on the couch. Something I haven't done in a long time... but much needed.

Sunday was the icing on the cake. Coming soon...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Best time in a long time

I'm happy to say that this weekend turned out to be one of the best one's I've had in over a year (maybe longer). I'm still basking in the glow of it all.

Friday started out as an actual fun work day. We had our company summer outing (minature golf - see Flickr pic of my co-worker). Followed by a great catered lunch and team prizes. I got a hole-in-one! The outing was over by 2:30 and that meant I didn't have to take any vacation time for going to the concert in the afternoon.

The concert was FABULOUS and I truly mean that. From start to finish! But, let me back up.... Me and my friend traveled down state to Noblesville (it's near Indianapolis, ADH) leaving around 3:30 pm. It takes about 3 hours from Oblivion to get there.

The person I ended up going with is a "newer" friend. Earlier in the day I had wondered what it was going to be like spending that much time with her and would we have enough things to talk about during the long drive. Well, it turns out that she IS very talkative (opposite of me). But, it was a good thing, because I got to sit back and enjoy the drive without having to really say too much. We stopped and ate at a Sonic on our way there because I'd never been to one before. See my Flickr photo of the menu board (I couldn't resist)! The food was delicious and greasy, plus the carhops had on rollerskates - which made it even cooler.

We arrived at the concert venue right on time. Got parked, got frisked and made it inside with no problem. Our first stop was the merchandise booth (do you really think I could pass up the opportunity to buy a ridiculously overpriced t-shirt?). I mean, t-shirts are my life! Not only did I by one, but I also thought I'd be nice and buy HER one too. I also bought a cute basball cap with Kenny Chesney emblazzened on it. What was the grand total you might ask? $95! But, in my eyes, money well spent (considering what a wonderful time I was about to have).

Then we were off to find somewhere to sit. The place was JAM PACKED, afterall, it was sold out. We had lawn seats and people were already filling up all the way to the top of the hill. As luck would have it, we had just started our climb up the hill when we noticed some people moving their blankets and lawn chairs forward. We dashed into the newly formed open space and planted ourselves there. The view was wonderful! (Really hard to tell from the Flickr pics). By the way, you can see a pic of me (on the left) and my friend (on the right), pay no attention to my completely flat hair - the humidity was terrible, but notice the huge smile!

Pat Green played first and was really good. I only knew one song of his, which is "Wave on Wave". Then Gretchen Wilson played for about an hour. I've never listened to much of her music before either, but she has a wonderful voice. For me, the highlight of her set was "Straight On" by Heart into "Black Dog" by Led Zepplin. Next came Kenny and everyone wend wild. He opened up with a song that I don't really care for, but then made up for it the rest of the night. At one point Kenny said, "I hope you all checked your worries at the gate, and just enjoy the show." For me, that summed up my whole evening and the rest of the concert I tried just staying in the moment. Uncle Cracker came out towards the end of the show and did a few songs. At one point him and Kenny were almost rapping during "Cowboy" by Kidd Rock. It was sorta surreal....lol.

And this just happened all on Friday! The events of Saturday and Sunday might follow once I can process it all in my head :)

Friday, August 26, 2005

Concert




Tonight I am off to see Kenny Chesney! You'd think going to a concert would be something simple. Think again...

I originally bought these tickets for HER birthday so that her and two friends could go. I'm not a big country music fan (except for Kenny), so originally I wasn't going to go. I thought it would be nice for her to spend time with friends instead. The concert sold out I think in the same day. As the concert approached, we saw more tickets on Ebay and talked about me going too. I ended up buying a fourth ticket for myself and paying $100 for it (a lawn seat at that)! I was really looking forward to going getting out of Oblivion and having a good time.

Enter in one breakup and said tickets still in my possession.

Many arguments later it was decided to sell all 4 tickets. Well, a few days after that she called back and offered to buy them from me. Like HELL was someone going in my place. Maybe childish of me, but that's how I felt. After a few more arguments and subsequent cooling off periods me and HER decided to just go together and sell the other two tickets. Mind you, this was on Monday. Yesterday, she calls me to say she's had the flu for the previous two days and didn't think it was a good idea to go.


*insert random unrepeatable expressions of frustration*

Long story short, I was able to sell two of the tickets on Ebay last night! They were e-tickets so I just emailed them to the buyer. The auction sold in less than ten minutes and I got a little more back than I paid for them. After endless searching yesterday I was able to find a friend to go with me to the concert. Just got off the phone with her and everything is set...

Basically, I'm saying these tickets have been a maddening experience and I hope it will all be worth it. I'll try to Flickr some photos during the trip. Kenny here we come, Momma needs a good time! :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Lesson 68

I found that my ACIM lesson for today was exceptionally useful. I thought I might share it with everyone...

If you are uncomfortable with the words God or Creator, please feel free to substitute them for whatever fits you. It's the message that's important, not the mechanics.

Click here to read

It's a few paragraphs long, but worth it. Maybe it will be the best thing you read all day.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Trying

Thank you to everyone all of your positive messages. I appreciate it and they have helped. Please excuse my lack of posts while trying to get my head (and heart) back together.

Friday, August 19, 2005

The relationship is over...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Today is another day

Yesterday was a very long day.

I went to work in the morning and by 10:30 I felt sick to my stomach and exhausted. I decided to leave for the rest of the day. I had already spoken with my insurance company and made the appointment with the new therapist.

Once I left work, I ran a few errands and made it home just in time to get a call from my doctor’s office. I had also called them earlier in the morning to see if they could fit me in for an urgent appointment (to discuss getting back on some sort of an anti-depressant). I was in luck…they could get me in at 3:00. I laid around for the next two hours trying to catch a nap, but even with feeling so tired, I could not really sleep. I feel like I’m going to sleep, but my brain doesn’t stop. I wake up every 20 minutes or so feeling like I wasn’t asleep at all. I finally just got up and left for the doctor’s office early.

In the past, I’ve taken some medications that have helped my depressive episodes, and also some that have made me 10 times worse (not to mention just plain nutso). I’ve never felt like any have truly ever been the right combination, so I gave up trying. I finally swore off anti-depressants about 7 months ago, determined to give it a try on my own. Recently, the caring words of people thinking clearier than I, have convinced me that I need a bit of chemical help through this one. My fear of going back to the “bad place” of wrong medicine scares me to death. But, being here, like this, right now is worse.

So, when I spoke with the doctor I was very clear about what types of medicine I did NOT want. No SSRI’s, PERIOD. The first time I took an SSRI (Prozac), I was sixteen and I was quickly prompted to try and kill myself. After two days in a coma, I pulled through. But, that was before people started paying attention to the link between Prozac and suicide. My medication was never blamed… The second time I took an SSRI (Paxil) was a few years ago. Unfortunately, I decided on my own it was ok to also take a prescription amphetamine (unbeknownst to my doctor) for weight loss at the same time. *Let’s just say the results were disastrous. *

I also cannot take anything with ANY type of sedative qualities or I will be a zombie. (Hell, even a simple, harmless Tylenol P.M. makes me a zombie the next day). So, after listening to me for ten minutes about what I refuse to take, the doctor prescribes me something I tried briefly once before. But, the last time I took it, he had combined it with something else and we weren’t sure which of the two meds didn’t agree with me. This time I am going to take it alone and we shall see what happens. I’m hoping above all other hopes that it works….

I left the doctor’s office and picked my son up. He was at his Dad’s house since last Tuesday and it was wonderful to see him. Huge hugs go a long way…. We went home and chit-chatted in the backyard, he jumped on his trampoline and I cleaned the pool.

A bit later the home phone rang…. It was her. Surprisingly, I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I felt like yesterday was all about trying to get my head on straight and I didn’t need any more input at the moment. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. Again, it was her and again, I didn’t answer. I felt a bit childish not answering or calling her back, but in another way it also felt like a small victory for myself. Yesterday marked the first time we had not spoken to each other for a whole day in years.

By 6:00, two of my friends stopped by to pick up my son, so I could go to the therapist’s appointment. Off I went, to meet her. She was WONDERFUL! I’ve never been able to find a therapist that I’ve liked, so this was another *big* first. I’m going to see her twice a week until I feel like I can drop down to the normal once a week. She really made me feel comfortable. She also suggested I try keeping a journal. Actually, she was the THIRD person to mention journaling to me in the last four days…lol. When that happens to me, I pay attention. I left her office and went straight to Borders to find a new blank journal.

I then picked my son back up and we headed home. I crawled into bed at about 11:00, after meditating and writing in the journal. Too bad, I was awake again after only two hours…..

Today is another day and I’m feeling a bit numb.

Monday, August 15, 2005

My feelings are swinging from
one end of the spectrum to the other

I have what feels like a burning lump in the back of my throat
at all times

Encouraging words from my stranger-friends

No phone call from her

Authorized for 7 sessions with a new therapist
She's a Ph.D. Pastoral Counselor and comes
from a Unitarian faith
I'm meeting her tonight at 6:00
She doesn't know it yet, but it feels like
she's the only hope I've got

I wish I could stop crying, it makes driving very difficult :)

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Still trying to breathe

the big talk finally took place
yesterday
says I forced her to face the conversation
maybe I did for my own sanity
met in a restaurant
restrained voices
my tears were another story
"I can't do this alone [life]"
words that cut me in half
at one point it was definitely over
more talking and a few soul grabbing
desperate embraces
upon parting there seemed to be some
hope

later
her phone call
I'd forced myself to spend time
with some friends
but was headed home
I asked her to meet me there
"ok"
finally a night together
"no talking about it" I said to myself
savor this momentary truce
hold onto the feeling of her touch
and the smell of her skin

I once read a poem that said
“kisses aren't contracts”
these were the first words
through my head upon waking
but still hoping for a miracle

she was the first one up this morning
gathering more of her clothes
and things
"This time together was a good thing.
I'm still going to be here for you"
but really she'll be there, not here

for me it's usually all or nothing
now I feel forced in-between
I don't do good with the unknown
choices and outcomes are
usually weighed far ahead of decisions
now feeling stuck in the void

"time apart" has now become indefinite

and my heart is officially broken

A poem - Death (revisted)

The door on the gloomy rooftop opened
out walked my pouting lover, Death.
She brought with her a sullen look
which upon seeing

sends stomachs to sicknesses involuntary consent
Her eyes were red and swollen
tears fell on her exquisite heaving breast

I inquired of the disdainful distress
that given her attention
allowed heaven a momentary rest

Her reply was softly spoken
beneath her sweet dulcet breath
Like the whisper of a butterfly
caught hopelessly in sticky spider net

She turned to me and uttered

the two simple words,
You’re next


I wrote this poem a little over a year ago. It's posted somewhere back in my archives, but I thought I'd post it again for my new friends. I'd love to know what people think of it.....
After writing this, I was inspired to find a picture to go with it. That is how I came across the image I use as the icon in my profile. Somehow these two things suit me.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Roller Coaster Ride

Describes my life yesterday to a T.
I woke up feeling ok with it.
"Maybe it's a good thing".
Time apart (she's gone for a week)
Needs a break.
My paranoia has been out of control.

I went to work.
8 hours in front of this keyboard.
The thoughts started creeping in.
By noon, I'd surpassed even allowing myself to
be comforted by The Course.
By 5, I was alone, lonely, mad, simply sad.
"Don't call her." was my mantra.
By 6, I was home -- empty house.

"Hello"
pause
"I thought you'd drop it off at home while I was at work"
"Oh, I forgot. I'm on my way to a friend's house. I'll stop by later."
Tears rolling down cheeks.
Bottom of emotional barrel.
Worlds colliding.
Signal failed.
Frantically redialing.
"Did you hang up on me?"
"No. It's this phone."
"I don't know what else to say."
"I need to go."
Abandonment issues kick in

Ripped in two
No comfort in anything
When's this going to end
Ego, ego, ego - dramatic stage lighting
Enraged that I can't bring myself to it
I can't ruin Julian's life
Crumpled on the couch
Standing on the edge of the cliff
Close-up shot of loose rocks spilling over as I begin to lose my footing

"Call Amgrace. Pick up the phone and call her."
She answers (a miracle in it's self)
Let's me get it out, no judging, mirrors my thoughts back to me
Points me in the direction of the conclusions I already know
Anhedonia
Focus on the reality, not past, not future
"It's the depression talking. Why are you not taking any meds?"
"I wanted to try dealing with life by myself."
"Sometimes we can't do it by ourselves."
Words that resonate, life lesson I've been working on
She offers her hand to help me step down
And held my hand the whole walk back

Breathing again
Tears drying up
Wash the nicotine off my hands from the cigarettes I was
sucking down in one drag
Repairs to the heart already in progress
Off to pick up Julian

Back home 9:30
I heard it, but didn't want to know that I knew what it meant
Through the back gate
Standing on the front sidewalk
I look to the street
Car stopped, driver gets out, accessing my knowledge
Me, not wanting to get any closer
I knew, but he looked a bit crazy, young, maybe high
He mumbles something about needing directions
"I don't know"
Back in his car and leaves
I walk to the other side of my car parked out front
I already knew
He backed into it when he turned around in the neighbor's driveway
I usually pull up further when I park, to leave room for her Jeep
But not tonight, she's not coming home, I will take up both spots
Unfortunately placed directly across from neighbor's steep drive
Someone who didn't know that driveway is tricky with a car
parked across from it
No taillights on his car, good description, but didn't see the
license plate. "Not much we can do to find him." said the officer

Back in panic mode, when it rains it pours
Call to tell her
No answer
No answer
No answer
No answer
Like magic, tentative "Hello"
Relief
Long conversation - the car, us, I feel cursed, wit's end (again - still...lol)
"JUST Breathe"
Comforting
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry this is hurting you."
Not breaking up, just a break
"I love you."
"I love you too."

What I needed to hear all day.

On a brighter note...



My latest and greatest new product for my side business, Qwear Gear (pronounced like Queer Gear) has arrived! I've decided to create my own line of stickers (outdoor ones people can put on cars, boats, motorcycles, etc.) using my original designs.

I started with one of my most popular designs. As you can see, it's a Tribal Sun filled in with the rainbow pride colors. In the middle of the sun are 2 intertwined women's gender symbols. I think they look great...but then again, I'm hardly neutral on the subject. What do you think?

I forgot to add... if you want one yourself, I've got them on Ebay already. (Click here to see the auctions)

Monday, August 08, 2005

Ugghhhh

Sometimes relationships suck....

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Quote

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
~Mahatma Gandhi

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Lilly pads

Lilly pads
Lilly pads,
originally uploaded by qweargear.
Check out new pictures I posted on Flickr yesterday! They are of the beautiful and peaceful work of art that my Mother has created using plants and flowers as her paint and her pond as the canvas.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Wow...I'm totally exhausted!

I've just returned home from a VERY full day! Me and a friend of mine went to a Pride festival about two hours from where I live and set up a vendor booth for the day. We sold my t-shirts, wristbands, teddybears, pride type gifts, etc. Not only did we sell shirts that I had pre-made, but I also did shirts on the spot from out of my catalog (same designs as on my website). This entailed standing over a very hot t-shirt heat press all day and making shirts.

We left my house at 8:00 this morning and I just walked back in the door at 10:30 pm. We got lost both going to the festival and returning home... I have been on the GRAND TOUR of every small, back-road country, little town in Oblivion (which are in no short supply around here). For goodness sakes, at one point we passed through a little town where an actual amish horse and buggy were tied up outside of a convience store :)

All in all, it was a good day. We were busy from start to finish with barely enough time to stop and use the restroom or grab a bite to eat. But, the we made some good pocket money and came home about 70 shirts lighter. Plus, got to listen to a bit of live entertainment thoughout the day and gather a few leads on new wholesale customers.

I'm rambling! And, I need to go take a shower...I smell like a billy goat :) Sorry I didn't even have time to snap any pictures for sharing. More details to come tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Me, John and Farrah

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was part of some strange awards show and not only was I being honored, but also had to present an award to one of the other attendees.

In the dream I was standing backstage when they told me I had to pick whom I would like to give the award to. I glanced down the line of people to be honored and picked the last person standing there. It was John Ritter - but he had this long jet black hair that was in a permed/wavy mullet style (don't ask me...lol) and he was wearing blue jeans with a jean shirt on also (always a bad combination). I went and took my place beside of him and next thing I know, I rambled off some speech about what a great person/actor he was, then I hand him the award. Well, people in the audience were really moved by my speech and gave me a standing ovation. I was sort of confused when I was handed an award also (because I couldn't think of what I was famous for).

Anyway, after the ceremony was over I was backstage at an after party and Farrah Fawcett was hanging ALL over me (not the good 70's Farrah, but the now, weird 00's Farrah). But, Farrah also had short, short, short cropped jet-black hair (again, don't ask me!). Farrah gave me her number and told me to call her later. I really liked that she was hanging on me, but I felt really guilty because I am in love with my real life partner.

The dream went on from there... something about my partner and my son were swimming in the hotel (where the awards show was held) pool. But, the rest of it is really foggy. It was one of those dreams that seemed to last all night and was fresh in my mind this morning when I woke up. I should have written about it right away...lol.

Go figure what the hell this one means! I'd love some dream analysis from my fellow bloggers....

State of Mind




I found this from following a link at Blogzie's.




I have visited 23 states (45%)
Click here to see how many you've visited.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Truthfulness...

"... the truth will make you free."

I happened to see this stenciled on the front of a van (of all places...lol) last Friday. I was immediately struck by it when I saw it. The very randomness and strangeness of seeing it stayed with me throughout the afternoon. But, by Friday evening I had forgotten about it...

Then, like a lightbulb being turned on, the saying hit me again last night in the shower right before bed and it all made sense. I didn't know where this quote came from until I Googled it this morning before starting this post. I was shocked when I saw the whole quote, I guess it just didn't all fit on that van... It's a bible verse (I'm guessing everyone probably knew that but me...lol)

"You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."

I realize NOW the important role my thoughts about this quote played in my life over the past few days. I did know the truth and I needed to hear it outloud. Once I did hear it, I wasn't angry anymore. Another lesson learned, thank you.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Well...

...against the welcome advice of my fellow bloggers, I did not make it to Chicago this weekend for Lollapalooza or anything else for that fact. I woke up Saturday morning ready to go, then I searched for a decent hotel room and had absolutely no luck. Not sure what I expected to get that would be available for that same day...lol. But, the optimist in me had to at least try. Everything was booked solid or over $250 which I could not seriously see myself paying. Then, I thought well, we can just drive home that night. Then I looked at the weather radar in Chicago - it was raining :( That was the final straw... With my lack of planning, decision making, heat advisory, no hotel room, and rain I figured the cards were now stacked against me and I stayed home. My son had ended up spending Friday night at a friend's house, so I just left him over there for the day to splash in the pool, etc.

I briefly lamented Lollapalooza, did a few things around the house and took a nap. I guess the next best thing to doing "something" is doing nothing....lol.

Saturday night me, my partner, another couple that we are friends with, their son and my son all decided to go to the County fair that was a few cities away. We ended up having a great time (see the new Flickr photos on the side bar). We ate lots of great unhealthy food, rode all the unsafe overpriced rides, laughed, and returned home exhausted. A good time had by all...

Yesterday, the heat was practically unbearable so me and my son spent the day in our pool. He kept climbing up on my shoulders and jumping off. This morning I woke up barely able to turn my head. It hurts way down between my shoulders... I think I must have pulled something :)

Friday, July 22, 2005

Lollapalooza

I posted this in a comment over at Mental Hopskotch yesterday:

"I'm contemplating going to Lollapalooza (http://www.lollapalooza.com) this weekend in Chicago and taking my son with me. He's only 8, but I guess this year they are having a kid's area, which is very cool. I think the experience would be great for him and fun for all of us at the same time.

So, in thinking about going to the festival, I thought about the fact that I went to the very first Lollapalooza which was X number of years ago and in turn made ME feel old...lol. They had some great bands that first year, and the same is true with this year's line-up."

Well, I'm still contemplating and it's do or die time since the festival is tomorrow.

On the PRO side I have: There will be great bands there, Julian will get to experience something way different than he has ever before, I actually have the money (for once) to spend without neglecting any of my bills, it's in CHICAGO (a city I adore), and Perry Farrell will be performing in the children's area (yeah, try to imagine that combination), Perry Farrell will be THERE (I was slightly obsessed with Jane's Addiction in high school).

On the CON side I have: Chicago is under an Excessive Heat Advisory until Sunday and hot temps. & kids isn't always a good idea (both for health reasons and my sanity), Tickets are $60 a person (kid's under 10 free) - but still for me and my partner that's $120 + tax to stand in the HEAT :) Kinda like paying for torture, isn't it?

Anyway, those are my only 2 cons, so I guess the pros win. What ever happened to the days when I wouldn't have batted an eye at this decision? Back then it would have been a resounding "YES, of course we are going!". What has happened to me??

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Words to live by...

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles.
It empties today of it's strength."
-Mary Engelbreit

This was on the front of a card my Mother sent to me. I love the saying and wanted to pass it along.

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Big Question

I wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been visiting "The Big Question" and posting their answers!

So far we are having great success and a lot of fun reading the responses that are being posted. Please keep sending the link to anyone you think might be interested in the site.

If you haven't visited yet, get your butt over there! http://bigquestion2day.blogspot.com

Friday, July 15, 2005

On a totally different subject :)

A bit of Friday fun...

I came across these silly tests today (warning: some are kinda raunchy).

If you need some mindless fun you might take a few of them at: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take

Reduced, Part II

Ok, I guess I'm on the right path. Confirmed in print...lol.

After posting this morning, I arrived home at lunch to find the latest ACIM Newsletter in my mailbox. I glanced at the tag line beneath the title and it says, "...when you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter." I couldn't believe it!

To understand why this is significant, read my post from this morning ("Reduced") where I was explaining that was a lesson I learned today.

That it showed up in my mailbox, with the same thought I was talking about, on the same day is just amazing to me. I've gotten this Newsletter for awhile and it probably always has this saying on it, but I don't think I've ever noticed it before.

Thanks! I got and I feel like I'm getting "it" more and more with each day that passes.

By the way, if anyone's interested, you can sign up for the newsletter for free at: http://www.miraclecenter.org (when you get to their home page, click on the Shortcuts link on the top right side. Choose "Holy Encounter" from the drop-down menu and it will tell you how to subscribe).

Reduced

The task - simple. Given an envelope by my boss to drop off at another office for him. Fine - I was going to the post office anyway and the office is nearby. No big deal. I arrive at the building and walk in. No one at the front desk, ring the bell. *ding* She appears - secretary I presume. Walks into the lobby from a nearby open door. She is about my height (which isn't very tall), probably in her late 30's, maybe early 40's. Very nicely dressed, hair and makeup perfect. Glasses, from which she peers at me over the top of. A look of "What do you want?" on her face.

I said, pleasantly, "Hi! I'm here to drop this off for XXX."
Her - "Did you need to see XXX or just drop it off?"
Me - "Just drop it off."
Her - "I'll put it in their mailbox."

And as I stepped toward her to hand her the envelope, it happened. A total, quick, not so nice, ONCE OVER. I caught her eye as it came back up to my face. I smiled, still trying to be nice in the face of unpleasantness. I handed her the envelope and she turned to walk away.

I said, "You might want to actually give it to XXX instead of just putting it in the mailbox. After all, they might need it right away since I was sent over to drop it off."

She kinda shrugged and I see her stuff it into the mail slot. I leave. Infuriated with her attitude and the way she looked at me like I was shit on her shoe. Let's keep in mind, this is no high powered business office, no big shot high-rise office building, nothing like that. This is an "incubator" (for those of you that don't know what an incubator is, it's a building where the rent is usually subsidized and small business start-ups move in to try and grow their companies.) This particular incubator is in an old, broke down warehouse. Miss Priss is most likely paid by the State Small Business Association (funded in part by money from tax payers - like me for instance).

I get back to my car thinking about what a bitch she was, and how dare she, etc. Then I turn on myself - defensive. It's casual Friday, that's why I'm dressed this way, *insert other self-loathing comments here*, etc.

Then it occurred to me. I just let my peace of mind and my self-worth get reduced to a grain of salt by a simple look from an unhappy person. I have no one to be mad at but myself. I been working with ACIM lately as I've mentioned in other posts, and have started feeling a lot stronger emotionally, confident, and so on. This woman was just another lesson, pure and simple. A perfect illustration of how easily my resolve can be shaken. Not to say I'll never let it happen again, but maybe I will catch myself in the midst of it next time and send her a silent blessing instead of attack thoughts.

Every person you meet is there for a reason.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

New Blog

I have started a second blog called "The Big Question"

It is intended to build off of the whole "interview me" process that bloggers have been passing around. Simply put, I post a question, you post your answer in the comments. You can even post anonymously if you so choose.

Simple as that... Check it out! If you like it, please pass the link to at least one friend who's answers you'd be interested in reading.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

An Unexpected Blessing

Today I was hit with a bit of random kindness myself (or not so random depending on how you think about it). It happened right when I needed it the most today.

My Grandmother lives in a high-rise, subsidized apartment building that houses mostly elderly people. Sometimes she babysits my son during the day while I am at work. Yesterday, I picked him up and when we were walking down the sidewalk to the car, we heard a voice from above, literally. We glanced up to the apartment balcony on the second floor to see an elderly black woman (probably in her early 80's) leaning on the railing looking at us. She repeated what she said the first time, "Where is that cute looking young man going off to?". I looked up at her and smiled. I said, "He is off to the library to get a few books." She replied, "Well, he sure is handsome just like his mother." I said thank you and we left. I thought, hmmm... that was nice and then kinda forgot about it.

Today, my Grandmother's invited me over to have lunch with her and my son. My Grandma loves to cook, but since she lives alone she never really gets to very much. As a result, anytime she can get us over there to eat, she is happy. So, I went. Lunch was good and of course it was soon time for me to go back to work.

Once again, I was out on the front sidewalk and I saw the same elderly woman walking toward me. She's kind of hard to miss :) She's not very tall, and it looks like she might be wearing a black wig. But, in addition, she wears a black safari type hat (very similar to the one shown here on the left) with the sides buttoned up on the hat and everything. She was wearing a flowered dress, light green socks, and tennis shoes. As a side note, as she was walking along, she was also eating from a small bag of Ruffles potato chips. She saw me coming toward her and we both smiled.

She said, "You sure are pretty, you know that?" Of course, my inability to take a compliment kicked in and I said, "Well, I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds." She dismissed what I said and replied, "Nope, you're pretty and don't let anyone ever tell you any different. I've seen a lot of people, and there's just something about you." As she said this, she kind of peered at me over the top of her glasses, as if making sure she was right with what she was saying. I looked her right in the eye and felt the sense I had just been given a blessing and as if she meant something more than just a physical beauty. I was sort of speechless and just said, "Thank you." She turned and kept walking down the sidewalk. I'm not a person prone to believing in angels and I know how cheesy that sounds, yet, it was the first thing that came to mind when I stepped into my car.

My brain tells me to just explain it away and realize "this person is elderly and maybe a bit off her rocker". It also says to realize "that it's possible she says this to every person she meets", or "she had glasses on and maybe at her age she can't even see too well". And, I'm not going on about this because someone happened to think my outer self was "pretty", I'm talking about deeper meaning here. I saw it in her eyes and my inner-spirit tells me to just accept her unexpected blessing. Another affirmation that I am on the right path.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Human Spirit, Part 2

I wanted to thank Inger for posting her comment about the experience she had today regarding the woman on the bench and her son. (To read about it, click the comments on the post below this one titled, "Human Spirit")

It had to have felt good for her to use her own judgment instead of judgment based on fear. For God sakeƂ’s if you can't trust a woman on a bench to watch your son (with your eye on him) for two minutes in a downpour than who can you trust?

I think about what my grandmother would refer to as the "good ol' days" when she says you could trust anyone you met. Well, the only difference between then and now is US - the ones who stopped trusting THEM, which turns out to be EVERYONE (including ourselves when we are but a stranger to someone else).

People haven't changed so much, there were just as many crazy people 50 years ago as there is now. I think we only hear ALOT more about the crazy people now because of advanced technology (internet, 24 hours a day news channels, etc.).

So, if WE don't start trusting THEM a little bit more, now and then, there's no chance of things EVER getting back to the way things were before fear took over.

In turn, maybe if you, I and everyone else started taking a little more responsibility in looking out for one another, then we would become accustom again to being trustworthy people. Because I believe if you put trust and faith in someone and EXPECT them to do something right, most of the time they will. But, if you always automatically EXPECT someone to do something wrong or bad, they almost never let you down. People live up to the standards they are given (or that are imposed upon them).

Of course, I'm not saying to blindly have faith in all strangers and situations. I'm just saying maybe we should use our own instincts and judgments more often instead of always automatically listening to the Cold Case Files Cop/CNN Reporter and America's Most Wanted Host sitting on our shoulder.

Comments please! And, please keep sharing your stories if you decide to try, what's been dubbed by Angelika as the "kind campaign" (see the explanation in the posting below).

The Human Spirit

I wanted to simply thank everyone who has been commenting on my blog lately and especially on yesterday's "London Calling" post.

Lately, I've been listening to Chicago's WXRT radio station broadcast on the internet and they keep playing this song with a chorus that goes, "Where have all the good people gone?", (I'm not sure who sings it). About 3 weeks ago I was listening to the song and thinking that it's so true. On the news it's all murders, rapists, war and terror. On the faces of people I see everyday it seems no one smiles, and people barely say hello to one another. I was feeling sort of bogged down by all the negativity that's been bombarding me every day.

But in the last few days I've had a change of heart. I've been reading a lot more blogs lately and posting more on my own. I've discovered some of the nicest people and received comments that are beautifully stated and much appreciated. Reading the hopes, dreams, fears and sometimes plain silliness of others helps get me "out of my head" and makes me realize we all are not so different from each other.

I think most people are "good people", we have just become accustom to not showing it. Almost like we always have to wear our armor, be on guard, keep our game faces neutral and remember another threat is always lurking nearby. Today I am declaring that way of living, all BULLSHIT. Today, I vow to try and say hello to every person I come across. Today, I promise to smile at each person I see, even if they look "scary", "non-approachable" or not paying attention. Today, I will really listen to what other people are saying to me. Today, I am going to try to be as fully in each moment as possible instead of thinking about the past and worrying about the future. Today, I promise to let the positive energy of life flow through me and back out again instead of having it stop just outside of me.

Anyone care to join me? If so, please post a comment here about at least one encounter you have today while trying to apply this theme throughout your day. I'd love to hear about it! Maybe each of us individually can make a small difference in someone today, and that's got to be a start. You never know where your smile will end up, hopefully on the lips of someone else down the street.

"I can replace my feelings of depression, anxiety or worry [or my thoughts about this situation, personality or event] with peace"
- Lesson 34, A Course in Miracles
(click here to read the whole lesson)

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London Calling

This morning I was running late to work.

I got a call at 6:45 a.m. from my father's nutty wife. She left a cryptic message on my cell phone to call my father back on their cell phone. No explaination, no nothing... So, of course, I go into panick mode because of how wierd she sounded and that they were calling me so early. They have been out of town for two weeks, traveling in their motorhome with their motorcycles on a trailer behind the RV. They went to explore the New England States and then up into Canada...it must be nice! Anyway, I call them back in my panick and was relieved to hear my Dad's cheery voice sounding just fine. I was glad nothing was wrong!

He said they'd be hitting my town in about 3 hours and wanted to swing by and pick up my son for the weekend. They were thinking of taking him to Oblivion Beach Which I remember traveling to as a child and loved visiting. Anyway, this is my son's weekend to go to his Dad's house, which I explained. They said, well, "see if he will switch you weekends so he could go with us". I hung up, called Julian's Dad and he wasn't home. By this time it was only 7 a.m. so I thought maybe he was still asleep. A few minutes later the phone rings, and it's his Dad calling me back. He said he just walked in the door from playing back-up guitar during a friend's performance at a local country radio station. (That's just not something you hear everyday and this was turing into a strange morning.) He agrees to switch weekends, I called my Dad back and told him everything worked out.

Now, I'm officially running really late... I hurried up and got Julian's bag packed with swim trunks, clothes, towel, toothbrush, etc. He got dressed, I was rushing around, on and on. After I got Julian dropped off at my Grandma's house (she babysits him during the day) I was headed to my office building when I heard the news on NPR about some explosions in London.

My heart sank... so similar to the morning of 9/11. I was running late to work on that morning too and heard the live broadcast from a NYC radio program of the planes hitting the towers.

This morning, in London, they just kept talking about explosions and no one was really saying how bad it was. I rushed into work and got online to see more news. So far they are saying about 40 people dead. Whenever something like this happens, I always wonder if any of the people who died felt any different when they got up that morning. Did they have any idea that this was there last few hours of life?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Interview Me

I borrowed this from Bent Fabric who borrowed it from someone else.

Here's how it works:

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are Bent Fabric's questions to me:

1. What was your most embarrassing moment? Expound. My most embarrassing moment happened when I was about 11 years old. That's back in the 80's when rollerskating was really popular and I was at "The Tree" roller rink (a great throwback name to the 70's isn't it?) in Rockford, IL. I took a break from skating to go use the bathroom. When I was done and made it all the way back out to the skating rink, I looked down and noticed a loooonnnggg piece of toilet paper was stuck to one of my skates and trailing behind me. This was devastating to my 11 year old ego. To this day, whenever I leave a restroom I automatically look down at my feet to make sure they are TP free :)

2. If you could re-live one moment in your life what would it be? Why? It would have to be the first time I went to a Grateful Dead concert back in high school. Because that was it the last time in my life that I ever felt carefee. It was also 1 year before one of my friends that went with to the concert died in a car accident. Knowing that he only had one more year to live, I'm sure we all would have made it even more memorable.

3. What is your idea of the perfect date? My idea of the ultimate perfect date would be jetting off to New York on New Year's Eve and then heading back out west, stopping in each time zone to celebrate midnight as we go.

4. Did you always know you were a lesbian or was there an A-ha moment? I believe people that identify as being GLBT (Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender) usually fall into two categories in regards to recognizing their sexual identity.

Category #1: People that have always known they were GLBT, even as children.
Category #2: Those who gradually realize they are GLBT. Maybe after trying to date the opposite sex, etc.

I am in category #2... I remember always having girl "friends" that I followed around like a puppy dog and hung on their every word. But, as a kid and even as an early teen, I never equated this back then to anything more than being "best friends". I went through school dating guys, but never really found any I liked a whole lot. I even ended up having my son at age 20. I never knew anyone who was an OUT gay or lesbian until I turned 21. That's when it finally dawned on me why I was so infatuated with some of my "best friends" that happened to be girls and never had any successful relationships with men. I met my partner when I was 22 and we've been together almost 8 years now.

5. What is the best news you've heard all year? Worst? The best news I've heard all year is "Lucky Charms is Phasing Out the Oat Pieces" The worst news I've heard all year is that Bush got re-elected.

Anyone else up to being interviewed?

The Shrunken Head

Yesterday I had an appointment with my shrink. Well, he's not really a shrink or therapist, he's actually a psychopharmacologist. Or, in other words, he asks me a few questions and then prescribes me medications and that's it (because that's what he specializes in). He's a nice guy, probably in his early 60's, very short (like 5' foot), and very Italian (accent and all).

I've been going to see him for about two years or so. Over the course of the last 6 visits, he has prescribed me 7 different medications (which is just ridiculous). All of which I tried on average for about 3-4 days (if at all) before quitting. I've slowly been coming to the conclusion over the last year that I don't want to take anti-depressants anymore, because they never really help and often make things worse. So, each time he'd tell me I needed one (because that's his job), I'd feign interest and try it just long enough to revisit the side-effects (feeling exhausted, dry mouth, foggy head, etc) before stopping again. For awhile, at the next doctor's visit, I would tell him I wasn't taking the new medication he prescribed me the last time. It didn't seem to matter, and he'd just say, "Well then, let's try something new".

Now, I've been trying other, non-pharmacy, ways of dealing with my depression (hopefully I'm not starting to sound like Tom Cruise). I think it's actually working! I've made more progress in the past month, than I have in the past 3 years. I've been reading ACIM (getting my spiritual side in order), spending more time with my son (just plain having fun and being silly), paying all my bills on-time (which for me is a huge accomplishment), trying to do more physical activities (last month I dropped 7 1/2 lbs.) and staying in better touch with my family. I think the combination of doing all this is really bringing my thoughts/feelings in order and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

That brings me back to my doctor's visit. The last time was in his office, I was a mess. Crying, and terribly depressed. Yesterday, I sat down and told him about all the things I've been doing to try working on myself. I told him I've been feeling so much better and recovering quicker if I do encounter any set-backs. He was amazed at how much better I'm doing and said he was so glad for me. We talked longer yesterday than we probably ever have. Then, he picked up his chart and looked back at what he last prescribed me. He said, "It looks like the Zoloft must really be working. Looks like we've finally found the right medication for you." I just smiled and said, "Yes, it's been great". As he wrote me out the refill prescription, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I'd never started taking the Zoloft in the first place.

On the way out, he said he wanted to see me again in October for another appointment. I thought about just not coming back again, but then I made the appointment anyway. I like him, he's a nice guy. He doesn't know what a breakthough I've had and that I owe a lot of it to him, even if his help didn't come in the way it was intended. I guess some part of me also likes that he thinks it's his pills that have finally started making me happy, when in truth I've finally figured out how to do it myself.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Independence Day

"Today is Independence Day, both on the calendar and in my own life."

That is the thought that my mind kept drifting to throughout the day yesterday. The exact thought came into my mind at least two times that I can remember. I let the thought come and go without dwelling on it too much and didn't really think about it again until I got into bed last night. That's when I picked up my ACIM (A Course in Miracles) book, like I always do before going to sleep, to read the lesson for the next day. I happen to be on Lesson 31...and there it was....I was stunned.

The second paragraph from the bottom of the lesson reads, "...In addition, repeat the idea for today as often as possible during the day. Remind yourself that you are making a declaration of independence in the name of your own freedom. And in your freedom lies the freedom of the world." (Click here to read the whole lesson.)

It is beyond synchronicity, it is beyond explanation. I had never read this page before; I hadn't glanced ahead to this lesson the night before, etc. What are the odds that this would happen on Independence Day, in my thoughts throughout the day, and then show up again in ACIM? There's no way this is a coincidence, is it? I'd appreciate thoughts and comments.

I've found a link to the introduction that explains the ACIM Lessons that I am practicing. Click here to read it.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Amazing Feeling

Ok... so everyone is commenting about my "voices" :) I realize it was a rather strange posting, and I wanted to assure everyone that I hadn't gone nuts.

I'm not sure how to explain the "voices" posting without sounding like a religious nutcase, which I can assure you I AM NOT. I have been reading The Course in Miracles for quite some time now. I'm finally up to lesson #27 (out of 365), but that's besides the point. In the Course it talks over and over about hearing the "voice" of God or the Holy Spirit in your heart. Well, for quite some time I was feeling a bit distraught because I didn't think I was hearing the "voice". I was starting to lose my belief, question my sanity, and generally felt pointless. The posting last night was the culmination of that anxiety. Moments after publishing that post, I went upstairs into my living room feeling terrible. Utterly lost and kind of numb. That's when something I think was amazing happened.

I flipped the TV channel to ABC's Primetime Live. They did two different stories, one about "James 3" the little boy who was having flashes from a previous life at the age of 2. The other story about Greg Rice, the 58 year old man who when diagnosed with Parkinson's disease could suddenly compose amazing music (with no formal or previous musical training or ability). Not just any music either, symphonies! In describing the first time he sat down to the piano, "Something just took over my hands and just played," he said. "I got at the piano and I started playing chords and scales and this tune came to me & Then about a month later I wrote another piece, and then I wrote another piece. And it just kept coming."

Both stories were amazing and completely unexpected. The subjects were exactly what I needed to hear about (just at the right moment- synchronicities). The first story about being reincarnated, a perfect illustration of Course principles [we all come back, until we ALL get it right]. And, the second story, the music is coming through him in one of his darkest times. He said it was a spiritual experience and I believe him. I went to bed feeling renewed, both in belief and in an internal way that I haven't felt in a loooonnngg time. I picked up the Course from my nightstand and flipped through the pages randomly (as I often do), choosing a paragraph to read , and of course, like always the text was relating exactly to what I was going through at the moment (as it always does). I can't explain it, I don't understand how it works, I know how crazy it sounds, but I also know that it's all ok anyways.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a year (maybe longer). Today, out of the blue, a friend emailed me that hasn't responded to my messages/emails in months. Strange how things work....

"Above all else I want to see. Vision has no cost to anyone. It can only bless." Lesson 27, A Course in Miracles

Thursday, June 30, 2005

It must be the heat

my knees went weak from
the anxiety
it was only 7 am
too early for this
i pleaded silently

now it's the evening
on days like this
at times like these
my head starts swimming
just plain tired

my thoughts attack themselves
declaring myself the winner
once again

does it end
will it end
should i be the one to end it

i listen for the voice
i want to hear it
maybe i keep myself from it
maybe there is no voice
but i'm betting there is
has to be
it's all i've got
to believe in

he said he doesn't hear it either
"maybe he doesn't love me"
he exclaims with tears in his eyes
i assure him that he does love him
and to keep listening

i'm trying to take my own advice

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Quote

Another bit of crack news reporting from our local media caught my eye today. It included one of the best quotes I've read in a long time:

"I may be blond but I know what a deer looks like. This was a black kangaroo!"

Read some of my earlier posts about the local news here in Oblivion.

I finally know what I'm really worth....

I am worth $1,498,160 on HumanForSale.com

Wristbands...






I thought I'd share some pics of the nifty new wristbands I'm selling on Ebay and soon to be listed on my website. I have several different designs: Rainbow wristband with the word PRIDE stamped into it, Black wristband with the double intertwined female symbols on it, Black wristband with the double intertwined male symbols on it, Bisexual Pride colors wristband and a Leather Pride colors wristbands with a red heart on the side.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Happy Pride Month to EVERYONE!

Well, so here it is the end of June and almost the end of Pride month. I would have to say it has been a banner year for GLBT progress. Not that it's really gotten us anywhere, but in terms of visibility the results have been outstanding. We literally are everywhere nowadays, tv, newspapers, magazines, politics, wedding chapels, etc. Not that we weren't before, it's just that the conservative christian fundamentalists didn't know it then.

So during a typical June all the drag queens, kings, girlfriends, boyfriends, dykes, leather daddies (and mommas ;), and PFLAG go out on parade. We wave our flags, we dance in the streets, we get eyeballed by the media and the biggest queen in town ends up on the front page of the newspaper. But this year, I think the tone was a little different. The celebrations were a little more ABOUT SOMETHING bigger than ourselves, rather than just watching the sweaty boys in speedos getting hosed down. An article in the weekly Victory Fund enewsletter reported that more families attended the parades this year. WGN news in Chicago stated in their parade coverage that more politicians were present this year. A few straight people were also intereviewed and said they were just "Gay for the Day" and loved attending the parade just to show support and have a good time.

I wonder if any of this really signals a shift in public perception of the way GLBT people are viewed or is it just wishful thinking? Comments anyone?