Monday, March 27, 2006

Act I

The platforms of stability that she has temporarily rested upon in the past few months each turned out to be trap doors. The exposed actions of another person too nauseating to document in detail.

She thinks of it all and lets the anger well up and bubble over like hot sticky tar, clinging to her skin and seeping into every pore. The anxiety takes over and feels like maddening little restless bugs crawling beneath her scorched and blistering skin.

Another wrung on the infinite ladder breaks, lowering her one more step down into the bottomless pit. The clarity at the top is now just a tiny pinpoint of light she must strain to perceive.

*She suddenly screams at the top of her lungs*

"I'm pounding my head against a wall. Being stepped on, lied to, fucked over and treated like shit. When will I have my fill?? When is enough, enough? Why do I continue to live in this madness? What the hell is wrong with me?"

*Silence*

No response from the stoic universe.

*Then a small, still voice like a whisper on the wind speaks*

"You'll be given as much as YOU want."

*But, she fails to hear it because the ego is speaking too loudly again*

Breathe, take a pill; it will be all right in a few minutes. Swallow the pain; push it out of your mind. You are just sinking to a new lower level. It will seem normal in a day or two, it always does.

*She unclenches her fists and lets herself fall back into the familiar, comfortable arms of deceit*

The last fleeting thought before going back into the dream,

“How many more steps could possibly be left beneath?”

14 comments:

Blogzie said...

You will have had your fill ---

When you learn to love yourself…

When you remove all toxic people from your life…

When you are willing to be alone with yourself long enough to get ‘clear’, even if that takes several years…

When you realize that repeating the same patterns over and over again lead to the same results…

When you realize that emotional drama is not a replacement for true feelings…

xx00xx

Cris said...

what she said.....

but first you need to focus on taking care of yourself. making yourself a priority.

big hugs

babyjewels said...

Hope you're okay and I'm sorry someone treated you so poorly.

Trudy Booty Scooty said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nancy =) said...

beaming strength and willingness right atcha...

peace my friend...

peace...

Toady Joe said...

Wow, Wow, Wow. Blogzie gave you some WISDOM, and I'm linkyloving it (hope you don't mind... if you do, I'll make it a private entry) because I want to keep this post and her comment forever. It's that good. Wow.

Sorry you're going through hell right now, Sublime. I've got your back. Lemme know if I can do anything to help. ((hugs))

Elizabeth Taylor said...

All of the above...you're in my thoughts. And that was a good piece of writing there...

alan said...

Wish I had something profound to add; all I know is that the pendulum will swing the other way.

alan

Trudy Booty Scooty said...

Sorry I deleted my comment above. It just sounded too preachy.

Sublime, Blogzie's comments are right on the money.

Hear her. Things will get better!

hugss

sttropezbutler said...

Greetings dear Sublime.

STB

Bent Fabric said...

Hang in there, sweetie!

{{{{Sublime}}}}

gav25 said...

Sublime, you write BEAUTIFULLY. You really do have a talent with words.

so sorry you're feeling down =(

*hugs*

ian g. said...

Firstly, thanks for the heads up about that "question of the day site". I'll be a regular visitor there for sure. (And probably here).

Secondly, love your profile pic with the girl embrassing the skeleton. It HAS to be Edvard Munch surely?

Thirdly, yes I can see how that brief post I made today will have struck a chord. Memories and perceptions all get mixed up where relationships are concerned. It's very hard to actually see someone for who they have become, and not cling onto the wishful thinking perception of them as they once were. And it's hard not to blame them for changing, although blameless they obviously are.

Don't slip back into the dream. Put your foot on the next wrung up.

AKH said...

I hope things are better for you now. If not, they will soon. = )