Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water...

It's been five days since I discovered the multiple hotel room charges (all within the last two weeks) on HER bank statement.

It's been five days since I packed up her things into garbage bags and boxes and asked her to move out when she walked through the door. During the course of the ensuing argument she left without taking her stuff.

Afterwards, I left for the weekend. Time away to TRY and clear my head. It's been four days since I immediately began to waver in my conviction. Sometimes it's hard to remain angry...but then I remember.

It's been one day since we spoke face to face. Of course, it was all "I'm sorry" and "You're the person I want to be with" and "I wasn't planning on seeing her [the other woman] anymore". I wish I could believe it, but I know that I can't. "You can do this" the small, still voice inside me whispers. I again tell her that I want her to leave.

Looking into the face of the woman I love and telling her to move out is the hardest thing I have ever done. Even after it all, I do still love her and probably always will. I have just FINALLY, finally, finally had enough of the hurt and pain.

I helped her carry the things out to her vehicle. My eyes started to well up with tears, but I held them back. I said, "This will make things better" (not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself). I hugged her goodbye and breathed a surprising deep sigh of relief. A weight lifted...

It's only been five minutes since I thought of her last, four minutes since I reassured myself this is the right thing to do, three minutes since I finished my silent prayer for strength. One minute since I realized I don't have to care or let it hurt me any more.

I hear Huey Lewis sing...
"Let her go and start over.
There ain't nothing that I can do.
Let her go and start over.
Baby, it's up to you.
Let her go and start over."

16 comments:

JB said...

No words for the pain, just only deepest sympathies because I know the pains of the heart are the worst known to man.

AKH said...

I'm sorry for everything that your going through right now. Just know that you are in my thoughts. :)

ian g. said...

There is simply nothing, Nothing, anyone can say. Least of all "I know how you feel", because this kind of pain is unique to every individual on the planet. It's the Mother of all pain, and it's an absolute bastard.

But it does end in time.

Anne-Marie said...

Hi Sublime,
Thanks for stopping by on my blog. I've read a few of your posts and you are going through some very tough times right now. I think Ian is spot on, even though some of us have been through the same kind of thing (and I have), it is a very personal pain and each one of us must come out of it at the other end in our own way and in our own time. You may pray for strength, but from where I am reading it, you seem to have a lot of it in reserve already.

Take care,
Anne-Marie

alan said...

I wish I could wish it all away for you...thinking of you!

alan

Fletch said...

Breaking up with a partner, is the same as the bereavement of one... The feelings of lose are identical...

Dont fight it, greave, but remember, time heals all wounds, eventually...

Keep the faith...

Ciao Ciao

Clandestine said...

xoxo

Toady Joe said...

I send you blessings of strength, and love. ((hugs))

Mind Sprite said...

My thoughts go out to you. I know it must be so hard and painful. But it looks like the evidence is there that you made the right decision.

Hang tough and you WILL get through this, all the stronger for it.

peace to you.......

nancy =) said...

sorry for your pain, but i'm also admiring your courage...sending you all good vibes of love strength...hang in there, woman...i know you're gonna make it =)...

danielle said...

good for you for finally realizing that you don't deserve to go through the pain any more. it's a big step. you're in my thoughts...

Elizabeth Taylor said...

Oh Sublime. Hang in there. When you start having second thoughts, remember how you felt when that weight was lifted. Never let that go.

Clandestine said...

thank you for your help, sublime!

every little bit REALLY helps!

xoxo

Lulu said...

You'll get through. Everyone here wants that for you.

I n g e r said...

Oh, I'm so proud of you. So sorry--it's so painful. But it won't be painful forever. Hang in there, Sublime; sending hugs.

xo Inger

taza said...

just because it's right doesn't mean it's easy. remember that, and stay strong, but don't forget to grieve too.