CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test...

...Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through...

Mom

I didn't make time to go see my Mom on Mother's Day. My time off work was limited on Sunday and I filled my day running around with my son doing errands. At the time, I thought those things were more important to get done first and I would see her later. Before I knew it, I had to go back to work and didn't get to see her. Now, I feel terrible about it.

I think my Mom thinks I don't want to spend time with her or that I don't love her. The truth is, it's really hard for me to be around her because all the pain from her life weighs so heavily upon her. I feel partly responsible for some of that pain. I wish I could take it all away from her and tell her that it's ok. Everything is REALLY ok.

I love my Mother. She has been the only light in life at times. The only person who could tell me it was going to be alright. A person who has loved me unconditionally.

She keeps telling me that time is running out between us and that we need to be spending more of it together. I want to, but I can't and I'm not completely sure why.

The Awakening

I am awakening
from the slumber of desolation
that has been my life
I've rubbed the sleep from my eyes
and can see more clearly than ever

I feel like I have finally gathered enough strength
to begin turning the page
I see my hand reaching down to pick up the pen
and preparing to start writing a new chapter

The sweet sounds of music have returned to my ears
For so long I couldn't bear to listen
because every song was a reminder
Now, the notes and lyrics are like old friends
welcoming me back and telling me I've made
my way through the darkness
Offering me with open arms
a new soundtrack for my life

I've begun to pray again
with gratitude instead of pain
Thankful for these things
that not so long ago seemed apparent disasters
now coming to light as blessings in disguise

A return to self - a bit more each day
Glancing back at the hurt and anger
that has been shed
It looks thin and transparent
with only a hint of the powerful and
suffocating shape that it once held
Now lifeless and crumbling
unable to affect me any longer
I had forgotten who I was
and am starting to feel comfortable
in my new, shiny skin

Seeing I was truly not walking alone through
that thorny and wicked forest
Apparently guiding me silently along the course
through all of my darkest fears
A hand pulling me from the thicket upon which I'd stumbled
Picking me up and pushing me forward
when I decided I could go no further

The driving force of a divine plan that all along
required me to touch the white hot flame
which I thought was singeing my edges, blackening my skin
and starting to consume me in it's smoldering embrace
Simply my twisted perception of the world
as it appeared through the cracks of my own broken glasses

Suddenly I can see
as if my eyesight were restored by means
of some dusty roadside revival tent preacher
I watch the beads of sweat as they drip
from his forehead onto his lapel
before vaporizing into the storm clouds brewing above
In the brightness from the unexpected flash of lightening
I can see that the fire never actually burned me
but instead had cauterized my gaping wounds
With this glorious realization
I heard the exercised demons scream and howl
as they were carried away by the storms strong winds

Now like a Phoenix rising from those ashes
Feeling weightless as a diver about to
reach the surface
I am gloriously free
and ascending toward normalcy

The small, still voice inside me whispers
"Appreciate the lessons of the recent past
and thank the universe for it's wisdom"
As I reach for his extended hand and
he helps pull me from the water
I reply, "I do"

And stand as a fully awakened soul