Balancing the Beasts

Two nights ago, I dreamt of a huge balance scale in the middle of a field. I remember feeling relieved that someone had finally built it. I thought to myself that there's now something large enough to weigh the really big things.

Great Expectations

I lay on a couch that I have never seen. Located in a room that I've never been in. Inside a house that is not mine. On a street, in a town I know nothing about. With a feeling no different than usual. Once again, not as I hoped. In a struggle for an equal I never find. Holding a heart still half broke.

The sum of 4

The wrongs and rights
The comings and goings
The unfairness of past
love and war
All fell aside with
those four words,

I’m in the hospital.

3:19

I'm outta bed and onto
the street within half
a minute. The sounds
are only reaching my
ears like I'd been listening,
in close proximity,
to loud music.
I feel sorta underwater or
distant from everyone
else. No one notices
and I make a point
not to panic. I
enter the next dark
and ambient 4 o'clock
bar I can find.
Give me a pint of
Gumball Head, I whisper.
I glance sideways to
see which sideways
glances are peering at
me. The usual suspects
oblige my eyes.
I'm thirstier than
I ever remember
having been.
The bits and the
pieces of the half
spoken sentences enter
my half heard brain.
In four long pulls
the glass is empty.
My hands are shaking
and the room
suddenly seems so
loud that it's quiet.
I wonder why she
keeps looking at
me. I watch her
stand-up and motion
for me to follow along
outside. She tells me
I was starring. Then
she takes me by the
hand and says to
be still. I close
my eyes and when
her mouth meets mine,
I remember this
moment from the
dream that awoke me.

Peter Parker

Suddenly I'm reminded
of that stunning black &
white picture.
Head thrown back.
Eyes closed,
wide grin.
That was then.
Who are you now?
"Just Peter Parker"
she says,
"waiting to be Spiderman again."

For my son

I know
he's out there,
on that
same fringe.

I think
he's struggling
to understand
it all too
impossibly well,
in his own
struggling way.

He doesn't
know that
I understand
it,
the things that
it's not fair
that he
already
ought to.

It's a blessing
and a curse,
this life
of precise
self-actualization.

This cumulative average
and output
of self-imposed
deprivation.

Isolation.

A partition
in your head
between you
and them.

Self-preservation
from the ability
to feel keenly,
too much,
and
beautifully,
everything.

In Essence

When I look into her eyes my smile comes from such a place of peace. When she takes me in her arms, I feel all upside down and safe. I can not imagine what she sees. I hope that it's love..even when I can't express it any other way than to tell her goodbye. Setting her free to find the something better I know she deserves.