Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Honesty

I've debated for two days whether to post this entry. But, as I've said before, if you can't tell your deepest, darkest secrets to a bunch of strangers, then whom can you tell? I've been virtually silent for months, keeping it all inside.

So, here it goes....

Last Wednesday night, I'd had enough - literally reached my limit. Enough pain, hurt, self-pity, guilt, and sadness. I decided I did not want to live to see Thursday.

If you have never personally felt such complete and hopeless despair, then I do not have enough words to make you understand "where I was at" emotionally. If you choose to judge me, do not read any further. If you have "been there", than no explanation is necessary.

I tried very hard to go and it almost worked. But, obviously (and thankfully) it wasn't in the cards. I will leave out the details, better left forgotten.

When I awoke in the hospital someone said to me, "If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have, it's not that hard to do. This was just a cry for help." I looked them square in the face and said, "If I'd have owned a gun, I guarantee I wouldn't be sitting here to hear the stupid comment you just made to me."

Overdosing allowed for a moment of clarity and regret, before falling asleep, which helped to save me. A gun would not have been so forgiving or have let me momentarily re-evaluate my yearning for release. The mistake would have been permanent instead of just the desperate, overwhelming error in judgment that it was.

At the time, I knew my life could be much worse. I knew there were other people surviving through a lot more crap than me. I knew (know) how much I have to live for and be grateful for. I knew how horribly selfish it was to think this was a solution, an easy way out. I knew I was most likely ruining my son's life, but I thought he'd be better off without me. None of those things mattered then, that night.

Simply put, I no longer wanted to be the source of anyone's pain, anger, or disappointment. I now realize that if it had worked, that I would have instead succeeded in forever aligning myself as a source of all those things for the people that love me.

What now? It's got to be "up" from here. This was the bottom I have been plummeting toward for months. Know that love and support (personal and professional) is coming out of the woodwork. At this moment, I feel as if I can now honestly say that I tried absolutely everything within my power to be a failure. None of it has worked. For some unexplainable reason, this has left me feeling stronger and more ready than ever to face my life. After all, there's no other choices left.

Why blog about this? I'm not sure.
What do I expect anyone to say about all this? Nothing much.

21 comments:

Heidi said...

I understand and I am so sorry for this pain you are in.

Sending you strength with prayers and hugs.

Caroline said...

I was very saddened to read your post. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. All I can say is...things will get better from this point on. Hang in there and let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

nancy =) said...

{{{{{{{{sublime}}}}}}}}}

enelrahs said...

there isn't a word i can whisper into your ear, that you have unheard of. and i can speak empty echos like all the other rats that saturate your realm.

but i will not.

to me you have come, and to my words you have fallen. let them show you what you already know, and i will let you show me the shell that was reborn.

sttropezbutler said...

Upward.

Happy Valentines Day to you Ms. Sublime.

STB

alan said...

I've been there at several points in my life; through them I never came to the realization you did so you are already a "rung up" on me on this "ladder" of life! Hedy Lamarr saved me the last time I was there, with a story about her years in therapy from her autobiography. It compares life to the pendulum of a clock, no matter how far it swings to one side or the other it's going to swing the other way for just as long and just as far. Somehow that helped a lot, and for 10 years I've been able to cope more easily...

alan

E L Frederick said...

I understand, I have been there. A few years ago I got into a situation, and death looked like an inviting option. I didn't acutally try anything, which is good, I have firearms, but I did admit myself to a pysch ward.

I finally got help for the depression I have been fighting for most of my life. I've been medicated for about two years now, and life is much better than was.

scrappy rose said...

glad you're with us still... I was just thinking of you yesterday as I packed my cool rainbow swirly thing long sleeved t-shirt into a box for moving.

post more often... know our support is here for you when you are able for it.

Toady Joe said...

Hey Darlin. I'm glad you're still here. Thank you for staying. And if ya need to talk... email me.

Clandestine said...

i'm glad it wasn't yet time

xoxoxo

Bent Fabric said...

You know I'll never judge. And you know I complete understand having been there twice. For once I'm glad things didn't work out the way you wanted them to.

{{{{{{{{{Sublime}}}}}}}}}

Elizabeth Taylor said...

I'm glad you're here. Onward and upward, as they say.

Glad you've made the decision to stick around - the world's a better place with you in it, and you know that. Maybe not then, but perhaps now?

Lea said...

I completely understand having been in that spot myself.
Recently losing a sibling, I have prayed and asked for help.
E-mail anytime.
(((Hugs)))

Trudy Booty Scooty said...

Keep the clarity. :)

Hugggs

gav25 said...

Sublime,

Last friday a family friend of mine reached that point. He's no longer with us (I've written about it in my blog) and I will be visiting his parents tomorrow.

If I saw you right now I'd give you a hug. You did nothing wrong. And I admire your honesty.

Gav
Sydney, Australia

Cris said...

oh.....
so many thots....glad you are here, sorry for the pain that lead you there, thanks so much for sharing that part of you with us.

in some ways this medium of friendships and connections is very distancing, but there is also real care and concern.

{{{{{{{sublime}}}}}}

freddy said...

i understand. i've thought about it, and i lost my first boyfriend this way. but despite whatever pain that's lingering overhead, this world is better with you here. i believe that, and i've never even met you. it does get better, and i know you might not be able to see that right now. but one day, you will. until then, i've got as many hugs as you need to get through the day.

AKH said...

I am glad you are still around to tell the story.

I only hope that each day gets better for you. Sending positive vibes your way.

SassyFemme said...

((((Sublime)))) I'm so glad you're still here. Wishing you strength and healing in the time to come.

Heidi said...

Just checking back in...Hope all is well.

Blogzie said...

We will let you slide this time, young lady, but don't ever do that again.

I'm serious.

Hang in there babe.


x0x0x