Honesty

I've debated for two days whether to post this entry. But, as I've said before, if you can't tell your deepest, darkest secrets to a bunch of strangers, then whom can you tell? I've been virtually silent for months, keeping it all inside.

So, here it goes....

Last Wednesday night, I'd had enough - literally reached my limit. Enough pain, hurt, self-pity, guilt, and sadness. I decided I did not want to live to see Thursday.

If you have never personally felt such complete and hopeless despair, then I do not have enough words to make you understand "where I was at" emotionally. If you choose to judge me, do not read any further. If you have "been there", than no explanation is necessary.

I tried very hard to go and it almost worked. But, obviously (and thankfully) it wasn't in the cards. I will leave out the details, better left forgotten.

When I awoke in the hospital someone said to me, "If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have, it's not that hard to do. This was just a cry for help." I looked them square in the face and said, "If I'd have owned a gun, I guarantee I wouldn't be sitting here to hear the stupid comment you just made to me."

Overdosing allowed for a moment of clarity and regret, before falling asleep, which helped to save me. A gun would not have been so forgiving or have let me momentarily re-evaluate my yearning for release. The mistake would have been permanent instead of just the desperate, overwhelming error in judgment that it was.

At the time, I knew my life could be much worse. I knew there were other people surviving through a lot more crap than me. I knew (know) how much I have to live for and be grateful for. I knew how horribly selfish it was to think this was a solution, an easy way out. I knew I was most likely ruining my son's life, but I thought he'd be better off without me. None of those things mattered then, that night.

Simply put, I no longer wanted to be the source of anyone's pain, anger, or disappointment. I now realize that if it had worked, that I would have instead succeeded in forever aligning myself as a source of all those things for the people that love me.

What now? It's got to be "up" from here. This was the bottom I have been plummeting toward for months. Know that love and support (personal and professional) is coming out of the woodwork. At this moment, I feel as if I can now honestly say that I tried absolutely everything within my power to be a failure. None of it has worked. For some unexplainable reason, this has left me feeling stronger and more ready than ever to face my life. After all, there's no other choices left.

Why blog about this? I'm not sure.
What do I expect anyone to say about all this? Nothing much.