Home Sweet Home

A post on Inger’s blog has me thinking about the concept of “home”. It occurred to me while reading it that I’ve never really had someplace feel too much like “home”.

Of course, I have a house now, but it seems empty. The houses of my childhood also seemed empty. No big family dinners to reminisce about, no wonderful backyard parties, no cookies baking in the oven, no family traditions (maybe those are all “Hallmark card” things and not reality anyway). Basically, there was just not a lot of happiness, but not unhappy either, rather in-between - like I have always felt.

I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone around me that could show me what happiness was like. I’m not sure I know what it is to be truly happy, I’ve never expected happiness for myself, or maybe have just never thought it was obtainable. In a lot of ways my parents were severely unhappy. Married young, worked way too much, relationship started suffering, problems raising my brother, relatives with big issues, etc. No one ever seemed happy or satisfied with his or her lives. The houses we lived in always seemed quiet, impassive and numb. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood, because I didn’t. Materially, I had a lot of things to be thankful for and tons of people had it a lot worse off than us. But emotionally, it’s like we were stunted.

I guess I’ve always mirrored that because I didn’t know it could be any different. As I grew up, I surrounded myself with even more unhappiness with the friends I chose, things I did, and so on. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Julian’s Dad wanted to marry me, but I knew I was in the closet and didn’t want anything to do with him. Two weeks after Julian was born, I came OUT (perfect timing, I know), then moved out. I was on my “own” for the first time and now with a child. Eventually meeting my partner when Julian was just over a year old. It was magical and I was head-over-heels in love. Things seemed right for the first time ever. A few years later we bought our house together. For me, it was a huge deal and I was determined it would become a “home” full of great family memories. I remember being so excited the day of the signing, like I was starting out on a new adventure. Me, HER and my son in a house, like a real family.

I think one of the reasons this separation between HER and me has been so painful is because I treasure our “family”. “We might not have much, but we’ve got each other” type of thing. I wanted Julian to grow up feeling happiness, togetherness, joy, SOMETHING, ANYTHING. The last year or two I have felt the house start feeling more and more empty as the spaces between us widened. The loneliness I’ve always been so familiar with seemed to seep into the foundation and permeate the walls until it finally overtook the whole house and us.

Now, in these weeks since she’s left, after the initial shock wore off, I’ve been feeling like there’s more and more hope each day. I feel like fighting back against that darkness and throwing open all the windows and doors. I feel like standing up and declaring “Enough is enough, I want to be HAPPY.”

Send your condolences to my liver

I think I finally killed it off this past weekend....

I did lots of good old fashioned drowning of my sorrows.

Somehow it seemed to have worked wonders, at least until I sobered up.

It took until today to finally feel human again, but at least I can say I had fun.

Critique

Once in awhile I like to put my poetry up for review... I'd completely forgot that I'd written this one for HER more than a year ago. I came across it today reading through some of my first posts on this blog. Since most people don't often read through the archives, I thought I'd re-post it for all the new readers. Like to know what people honestly think... is it ok, cheesy, or just plain bad?
_______________________________________________________

The Sun
is one thing I would
not want to be.

The Sun
will never consider
how your mouth
feels (meeting mine)
when I kiss you
alone in the dark.

It (naturally a being of lightness)
would never recognize
the beauty of holding you
(laying asleep)
during hours
of darkness.

Upon it
would be lost
the art and sanctity
of studying your face
in dim light.

The Sun
could not comprehend
feeling the aliveness
(so fiercely I wanted to weep)
of seeing
the meaning of life
(unfolding)
among your thighs
by candlelight.

Nor, will the Sun
ever dwell
in the knowledge of
how exquisite
moonlight tastes
shining freshly
on your skin.

To give up
every next day
under the sun
would be a small
price to pay
for living with you
beneath the moon.

-Sublime

Please do not choke me...

Dear blogger friends,

Please do not choke me… But, this is another one about HER. Every day lately is like spinning a wheel, you never know how SHE or I will react. One day fine, the next, not so fine.

I suppose I'm hoping that by baring it all on these pages, it will somehow expose the "dirty secret" of the hell I'm putting myself through so I can come to terms with how I've been acting.

PS: Please excuse the outbursts of foul language.
____________________________________________

4:15 pm - Day One events end

No cell phone reception until 5:00 while driving

5:15 - First call to HER cell phone, as previously
discussed, arranged and agreed to by HER
to talk about Day One outcome - No answer

5:30 - Pick up my son, he wants to call HER
HER cell phone is off (which to me means she saw
that I called at 5:15. Didn’t call me back, want to
talk to me, or give a shit about Day One outcome
- hence phone off)

5:45 – Phone off

7:30 – She answers, “Well? How did it go?”
With my son standing there, I could not talk about it, my head was
splitting open from pain, my heart doing likewise over
her lack of caring/concern. HER, “I’ll call you back later.”

7:31 – 8:29 - Me foolishly thinking she will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me after “Day One”
(these thoughts pretty much were applied throughout the
whole day, not just specified time frame)

8:30 - my son goes to bed, my Xanex has wore off
No call
Panic attack over day’s events setting in

9:45 – No answer, I leave panicked message to please call me back

10:00 – Phone off
10:01 - Nearly hysterical
10:05 – Phone call to house where SHE is staying – no answer
10:10 – (See previous entry, repeat)
10:15 – My phone rings, HER screaming at me that I’m stalking HER
Officially hysterical, now also dealing with the screaming and stalking comment
10:17 – She hangs up on me

1:00 - 4:30 am – Me waking up repeatedly, resuming panicked feelings

5:15 – Calling cell phone (SHE answers on her way to work)
I apologize for previous night’s hysterical outburst
Go on to tell HER about Day One outcome
genuine concern and shock over magnitude of Day One events
Me thinking, “NO SHIT! Really, I hadn’t realized it was such
a bad day.”

10:00 – HER calling me at work, going off about Day One events, feeling a bit of what it was like to be in my shoes.
10:07 - HER, “I’ll call you back.”

Presently – Me foolishly thinking/hoping SHE will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me today to make up for yesterday

...and I'd still be happy if she did actually show up or call.

_____________________________________________________

Really, what the FUCK is wrong with me? After the stress of my day, why did I do this to myself? I see a repeated pattern here – ME! ME! ME! I have no one else to blame, but ME! Why do I think a magical moment from her on the phone is going to heal my every sorrow or save my soul? What she thought of as stalking was me desperately trying to reach out for someone who would have normally comforted me in this time of great stress.

Maybe I should just get my phone disconnected, break my dialing fingers or have my mind erased. Feel free to ridicule me in the comments, I deserve it.

Alive

"Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
You’re still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers.."

If you don't already know, these are lyrics from the song, Alive, by Pearl Jam. Ever since the song was released it has always popped up in my life whenever I am in crisis, (like at the exact moment). I use to not think much about it, but it has gotten very deliberate.

Yesterday afternoon it did not disappoint, and when I was driving home it came on the radio. I thought it might be a good way to let you all know that I survived Day One.

The encouraging comments everyone left on my last post did indeed seem to sprout hands that I reassuringly felt on my shoulder throughout the day. Thank you to everyone for the support.

Positive thoughts and prayers

I don't usually blatantly ask for positive thoughts and prayers to be sent my way, but please allow me this exception.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be facing an extremely difficult and very stressful day in my life (which is an understatement). Sorry I cannot elaborate, but maybe some day when I'm ready to get it off my chest, I will.

Tomorrow will be Day One of a two part series (or, as I like to call it, the beginning of the grateful end). The second date has not yet been determined, but promises to be even more traumatic than tomorrow. These days have been a long time coming. Even though it is so painful to deal with, once over, it will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders that I've carried around for more than a year.

I'd like to think that by combining the power and positiveness in us all, that it could possibly make a difference for me tomorrow. It would be helpful to have some words to hold onto tomorrow during the difficult times if you have any to share.

I ask for a small place in your prayers, positive thoughts, angel blessings, pagan rituals, Zen meditations, cosmic wonderings, Santeria sacrifices, and - *insert other spiritual fervors here* - tonight and tomorrow if you would be so kind as to remember me…..because I will need them all.

Ellis

Tonight I had the unexpected pleasure of seeing Ellis play a small concert here in our city. Before a few days ago, I had never heard of her. There's some sample songs on her website if you want to take a listen.

Earlier in the evening, I went to dinner with a few friends and then they suggested we go see her performance. It was a small, intimate setting and I was utterly transfixed on the music from beginning to end. I wound up buying two of her CD's, both of which she signed for me.

Simply put, she was amazing... I can't believe she hasn't "made it" in a big way yet. Someone did tell me that she has been featured in Girlfriends magazine, but I don't remember seeing the article. Not only is she a sexy lesbian with a guitar, but she also had some of the most heartfelt song lyrics I've heard in a long time. If I had to describe her sound, I would say she is kind of a folksy Alanis Morissette.

I wonder if anyone of you have ever heard of her, or have seen her perform? If not, be sure to check the tour dates and see her if you can!

The question has been decided for me

I called to see what she might
like tomorrow night for a
dinner I planned on making for us

She responded by telling me
she doesn't want to come back home yet

Why did I set myself up to be crushed?

I guess the question has been
decided for me...

I feel so pathetic and sad.

Disregard previous post.

My Big Question

Here I stand at a crossroads

Feeling terrified
of making the wrong decision
My emotions still tumble and lurch
like rocks put in a dryer
Only not as rapidly now
seeming to merely prolong the pain
that manages to keep
creeping in sometime during
the night while I’m asleep

HER past words still
ring freshly in my ears
as if they’ve just been spoken
“Don’t settle for me”
“I believe there’s someone
else out there for you better
than me”
It sounds like an excuse
to NOT be “the one for me”
I’ve never felt
like I was settling
But maybe SHE is right
I do not know any more

Tomorrow is suppose to be
the day SHE possibly comes home
Holding my breath (but trying not to)
Looking at the sunshine
On the other side of the open door I have
yet to walk through
Knowing it could be
slammed at any moment

A friendly face turned to me
and asked, “Is it worth it?”
Impulsively a “yes” then only
uncertainty

It’s been almost 6 weeks
Since SHE walked out
I was left, “served divorce papers”
and cut off emotionally and
completely in one moment
At least a “divorce” between those
able to be legally married
is gradual
for US there isn’t that luxury

At times it has gotten easier
I can go more than a day
without calling HER
I can go an hour without
thinking about HER
I can go a moment without
remembering I’m sad

Maybe it’s better to forget
Trudge on through the pain
I don’t want to go backwards
There’s no saving
the old relationship
Not enough
“I’m sorry’s” to go around
It would have to be
a whole new relationship
with commitment
to building it from both sides

“Is it possible?”
I wonder aloud
before starting to cry
again -
still

I hear the White Stripes sing,
“Is this really love?”

Light

Taking things very s-l-o-w-l-y.....

Me and HER are (attempting) to talk things through.