Thursday, September 15, 2005

Please do not choke me...

Dear blogger friends,

Please do not choke me… But, this is another one about HER. Every day lately is like spinning a wheel, you never know how SHE or I will react. One day fine, the next, not so fine.

I suppose I'm hoping that by baring it all on these pages, it will somehow expose the "dirty secret" of the hell I'm putting myself through so I can come to terms with how I've been acting.

PS: Please excuse the outbursts of foul language.
____________________________________________

4:15 pm - Day One events end

No cell phone reception until 5:00 while driving

5:15 - First call to HER cell phone, as previously
discussed, arranged and agreed to by HER
to talk about Day One outcome - No answer

5:30 - Pick up my son, he wants to call HER
HER cell phone is off (which to me means she saw
that I called at 5:15. Didn’t call me back, want to
talk to me, or give a shit about Day One outcome
- hence phone off)

5:45 – Phone off

7:30 – She answers, “Well? How did it go?”
With my son standing there, I could not talk about it, my head was
splitting open from pain, my heart doing likewise over
her lack of caring/concern. HER, “I’ll call you back later.”

7:31 – 8:29 - Me foolishly thinking she will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me after “Day One”
(these thoughts pretty much were applied throughout the
whole day, not just specified time frame)

8:30 - my son goes to bed, my Xanex has wore off
No call
Panic attack over day’s events setting in

9:45 – No answer, I leave panicked message to please call me back

10:00 – Phone off
10:01 - Nearly hysterical
10:05 – Phone call to house where SHE is staying – no answer
10:10 – (See previous entry, repeat)
10:15 – My phone rings, HER screaming at me that I’m stalking HER
Officially hysterical, now also dealing with the screaming and stalking comment
10:17 – She hangs up on me

1:00 - 4:30 am – Me waking up repeatedly, resuming panicked feelings

5:15 – Calling cell phone (SHE answers on her way to work)
I apologize for previous night’s hysterical outburst
Go on to tell HER about Day One outcome
genuine concern and shock over magnitude of Day One events
Me thinking, “NO SHIT! Really, I hadn’t realized it was such
a bad day.”

10:00 – HER calling me at work, going off about Day One events, feeling a bit of what it was like to be in my shoes.
10:07 - HER, “I’ll call you back.”

Presently – Me foolishly thinking/hoping SHE will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me today to make up for yesterday

...and I'd still be happy if she did actually show up or call.

_____________________________________________________

Really, what the FUCK is wrong with me? After the stress of my day, why did I do this to myself? I see a repeated pattern here – ME! ME! ME! I have no one else to blame, but ME! Why do I think a magical moment from her on the phone is going to heal my every sorrow or save my soul? What she thought of as stalking was me desperately trying to reach out for someone who would have normally comforted me in this time of great stress.

Maybe I should just get my phone disconnected, break my dialing fingers or have my mind erased. Feel free to ridicule me in the comments, I deserve it.

13 comments:

Caroline said...

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. YOu were with her for 8 years. It's going to take more then just a few weeks to feel better. We have all been in relationships that aren't healthy for us, but we LOVE them so much. Hang in there. Go do something fun tonight. Take tomorrow off and do something that you like. Go see a movie, go buy something for yourself. Treat yourself to something nice. YOu deserve it.

Wicked Wanda said...

Please don't be so hard on yourself. We've all been there and it doesn't matter how many people tell you that you should break it off, it still has to be your choice. It is a very hard thing to let 8 years go. I can tell you that there are better things out there for you. Once you can get past your fears you will see the possibilities. Everyone deserves to be in a loving and passionate relationship.
I know all of this because I've truly been there. Please believe me. I thought that was my only option at the time, but I'm so glad that I finally (after my husband cheating on me for four years) decided to walk away. I'm in a relationship now where we are equally in love. I'm happier than I ever thought I could be and you can be too. You deserve to be loved as much as you love that person. When you get there you will be truly happy.
I'm glad that you made it through day one. We are here for you through all the bad days and the good.
Take care,
Wanda

AKH said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm not judging you. Everyone is different and has their own time frame for dealing with things.

My suggestion would be to go out and buy The Sims 2 (see my post today). It is very therapeutic. You can create a sim that looks like you and HER and then you can do whatever you like with her since you control the game.

This is probably not "healthy" advice, but it sure is fun.

Hang in there! I'm rooting for you. How is your son handling all of this?

Lea said...

I have done what akh has suggested.
Many hours of mindless games. yes it helps. LOL
getting back involved in sons activities has also helped distract my thoughts about HER.

Take care today

babyjewels said...

You know, sometimes we just are "done" yet. Even though you know you should leave it alone, logically, emotionally you're not in that place. Just be good to you and your son. Thinking of you.

Bent Fabric said...

Sweetie, I agree with everyone else. Do NOT be hard on yourself. Eight years is a long to erase in a few weeks. Mine lasted 8 years too but the sucky part was living with her day after day after the breakup while going through those feelings.

Hang out with friends, do something distracting. It will require conscious effort but it's a start.

Hang in there!
{{{Sublime}}}

SassyFemme said...

I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like for you. Lots of good words of advice for you from the other commentors. Just giving you a hug and hope that tomorrow's a better day for you. {{{{{ }}}}}

sttropezbutler said...

Hey Sublime...

Hope you are able to just be this weekend!

STB

Trudy said...

((choking you then hugging you))

I hope things are better today, Sublime.

Go do something wonderful with your son.

Lea said...

(((Sublime)))
Checking in,
Hope you are having a good day!

Elizabeth Taylor said...

Sublime, you are being way too hard on yourself. It takes a long, long time to get over someone, especially a relationship of 8 years. You're going through a divorce, you know?

You can do this.

SassyFemme said...

Just stopping by on Sunday evening to let you know I was thinking of you, and hope that your weekend went okay.

Cassarass said...

Dear heart, don't beat yourself up. Eight years? I mean come one, even the hardest of hearts can't get over that shit quickly. I know I sure as hell couldn't. I know how you feel. Doing "stupid" things and then resenting yourself for it--been there, done that, and all I got was a lousy shirt. And all the advice in the world can't really help you now, because it's really something you have to do yourself, hard as that is. And you know we're all going to give you advice! ~_^

You're in my prayers(Santeria sacrifice...too funny!!! Ever heard that song by...er...Sublime? ^__^), and I do hope things get better for you soon. Take care girlie, and quit beating yourself up!