Thursday, September 22, 2005

Home Sweet Home

A post on Inger’s blog has me thinking about the concept of “home”. It occurred to me while reading it that I’ve never really had someplace feel too much like “home”.

Of course, I have a house now, but it seems empty. The houses of my childhood also seemed empty. No big family dinners to reminisce about, no wonderful backyard parties, no cookies baking in the oven, no family traditions (maybe those are all “Hallmark card” things and not reality anyway). Basically, there was just not a lot of happiness, but not unhappy either, rather in-between - like I have always felt.

I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone around me that could show me what happiness was like. I’m not sure I know what it is to be truly happy, I’ve never expected happiness for myself, or maybe have just never thought it was obtainable. In a lot of ways my parents were severely unhappy. Married young, worked way too much, relationship started suffering, problems raising my brother, relatives with big issues, etc. No one ever seemed happy or satisfied with his or her lives. The houses we lived in always seemed quiet, impassive and numb. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood, because I didn’t. Materially, I had a lot of things to be thankful for and tons of people had it a lot worse off than us. But emotionally, it’s like we were stunted.

I guess I’ve always mirrored that because I didn’t know it could be any different. As I grew up, I surrounded myself with even more unhappiness with the friends I chose, things I did, and so on. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Julian’s Dad wanted to marry me, but I knew I was in the closet and didn’t want anything to do with him. Two weeks after Julian was born, I came OUT (perfect timing, I know), then moved out. I was on my “own” for the first time and now with a child. Eventually meeting my partner when Julian was just over a year old. It was magical and I was head-over-heels in love. Things seemed right for the first time ever. A few years later we bought our house together. For me, it was a huge deal and I was determined it would become a “home” full of great family memories. I remember being so excited the day of the signing, like I was starting out on a new adventure. Me, HER and my son in a house, like a real family.

I think one of the reasons this separation between HER and me has been so painful is because I treasure our “family”. “We might not have much, but we’ve got each other” type of thing. I wanted Julian to grow up feeling happiness, togetherness, joy, SOMETHING, ANYTHING. The last year or two I have felt the house start feeling more and more empty as the spaces between us widened. The loneliness I’ve always been so familiar with seemed to seep into the foundation and permeate the walls until it finally overtook the whole house and us.

Now, in these weeks since she’s left, after the initial shock wore off, I’ve been feeling like there’s more and more hope each day. I feel like fighting back against that darkness and throwing open all the windows and doors. I feel like standing up and declaring “Enough is enough, I want to be HAPPY.”

16 comments:

Trudy Booty Scooty said...

Huge Hugs to you Sublime

and to Julian.

pack of 2 said...

I truly believe that you will be happy in your life.
Clearly she wasn't the "one" but that person is out there looking for you...go find her when you are ready.

Shelly

Caroline said...

I am sorry the past few weeks have been such a struggle for you. Remember a home is what you make it. Fill your day with love, happiness and laughter. It will spill over into your home. Keep hanging in there. I can really tell a difference in your attitude. It's good to see that.

babyjewels said...

I wonder if maybe you just need to start some family traditions between you and your son. Doing a certain thing, or preparing a certain dish for an occassion. These things spark that feeling of home to me. Don't wait for anyone to come into your life, just enjoy it with your son and let them fit in. Be good to you.

AKH said...

Not only will you find happiness, but you deserve it.

I agree with babyjewels, you should start some new traditions with your son. Just because your home felt empty growing up doesn't mean his has to. It would be great for both of you to start some traditions. Whether it is Friday night game night or Monday's meatloaf surprise (sorry my examples aren't that great at 2am) it may look small to the outside world, but these little things make big impacts on the family.

OH and you and your son are a complete, perfect, little family.

Just remember,
oooh child, things are gonna get easier ...

Come on, sing along, you know you want to.

sttropezbutler said...

I honestly believe we choose to be happy. Oh sure, lots of stuff happens to all of us, but it comes down to the choice we make.

You've made the choice, open those windows wide, fill the house with light and air, let the breezes rinse away the past and allow yourself to embrace happiness.

OMG, that sounds like a bad self-help intro, but you get my drift.

PS Sublime..you're terrific.

STB

Bent Fabric said...

Materially, I had a lot of things to be thankful for and tons of people had it a lot worse off than us. But emotionally, it’s like we were stunted

That was me, also.

It's good the hear some of the numbness is wearing off and you're starting to feel hopeful again. It'll take time but you will get there.

Don't worry, I'm not about to whip out my duffel bag of tired cliches. ;)

nancy =) said...

ha! it's so funny that bent fabric said that cuz what i'm about to say is cheesy and cliche...

home is where your heart is...you gotta find your heart...you and i know it's in there...you give it to everyone else now give it to you...

and happiness is yours...like glinda the good witch said, you had the power all the time...just claim it...it's yours...you deserve it...

peace...

Cassarass said...

No wonder you've had such a tough time with HER. v_v

I think you will find happiness, and I do sincerely hope I'm right, because you seem like such a neat person, I hate to think of you as being unhappy! And I agree with sttropezbutler....you're terrific! ^__^

I n g e r said...

Blinking back tears; what a moving post, Sublime.

They're all right: you ARE wonderful, and mother and child IS a family, and you CAN choose happiness. But I know you've been dealt a hard blow, and it's OK to limp for a while, too.

You'll be OK. Really.

The other me said...

Some of my happiest times were actually when I was alone with my children, we had 10 years as a single aprent family. We had every chance to make memories exactly as we chose, whatever I felt like doing we did....my big kids talk about the things we did together with such fondness I just know I did some things right. Little things mean SO much and traditions are fabulous in that we can make them our own....you have an incredible chance to make your son's memories outstanding, in loving every moment there will be a consequence that you'll find, there will be someone out there who sees what joy you and your son have and will want, more than anything to be a part of that! Don't wait for someone to come along and make it all happen, make it happen and then allow someone in, if you want them to! It makes ALL the difference. Good luck, I am so pleased you are feeling the beginnings of happiness.

Lea said...

Checking in. Hope your having a good day.

Christopher said...

Yes, Throw open those doors and windows... there is possibilities out there unimagined yet...:)

SassyFemme said...

Just stopping by to say hi, and hope that you're doing okay.

Kat said...

Good for you! I hope you find the joy seeping into your foundations. It doesn't have anything to do with things as you know (although a lack of necessary things can leech the joy), nor to do with the Hallmark moments. I hope that either just you or your son or you, your son, and some yet to be found beautiful woman find joy in your house and make it your home. We are soon moving into my Nana in-law's house with her, soon meaning tomorrow LOL! And I am so excited. It goes against the grain of what I should be excited for which would be a home of our own that is too big for just the three of us, close enough to family to get together for Hallmark moments, but far enough to be sure they aren't there every day. But I feel joy coming on, I hope both of our feelings of joy coming on are true!
kat

Kat said...

Wow was that incoherent, blame it on the packing! I meant whether just you and your son, or the two of you and some yet unnamed wonderful woman, that I hope happiness finds you in your home.

Oh and I agree that it is the little things, the traditions you just decide to say the Hell with it and make them no matter how silly it seems to make an unalterable tradition. My husband's family signs the tablecloth at Thanksgiving each year with the date in permanent marker. It is cool to see who has been there before and to mark your place in Thanksgiving history. I remember my Mom cutting the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with cookie cutters when we had a "special just us" day. It isn't the grandness or the overly planned but the simple. Good God I babbled again I refuse to check it again to see if it makes sense, so I hope it did!
Kat