Thursday, May 27, 2004

Spoonfed Oblivion

TV drones unite! Forget about the fact American soldiers are dying daily in Iraq, forget that the deficit is spiraling out of control, forget that our choices for a new President can be likened to Beavis and Butthead, forget that the rest of the Earth detests our entrails…. Who cares! Like the Beatles sang, “All we need is… television” or, was that “love”, I can’t remember?? After an evening of watching TV my brain is so low-carbed, Kentucky Fried and yearning for a prescription of just about anything to make my allergies and erectial dysfunction go away, that I can’t stand it.

Our evening news opened two nights ago with a heart-stopping scoop of a top story about the missing and/or vandalized Carousel Horses in a neighboring town (a misguided attempt at supposed “public works of art” intended to be a tourist draw). Of course, the horse thieves happened to take the one horse decorated by the group of special, nine fingered, inner city, dyslexic, impoverished, (feel free to add in your own drama drenched adjec-news-tive) and apparently Kleenex lacking school children. Timmy was seen in his classroom making a tearful appeal for the horse’s safe return, with a steady stream of green-slime running directly from his nose into his mouth (don’t worry, he’s apparently getting enough protein in his diet). Mind you, this is the TOP story on the newscast, it seems that the car bomb that killed 30 people yesterday was getting to be too commonplace and boring.

Other channels offer even less riveting but equally mind-numbing fare… Ugly chicks turned into Barbie prototypes (even if it takes a team of 30 doctors and three months healing time), obnoxious women scratching each other’s eyes out for the chance to be hauled off to the new cave by the latest Neanderthal man, worms and maggots spit into a meat grinder out of which the gut wrenching contents are then deposited into your siblings mouth for a chance to win a stupid amount of money, or episodes of Law & Order’s newest series Appallingly Special Sodomized Victims Unit.

I must admit that I spend approximately 15 minutes every other day recounting the previous evenings heaping dish of spoon-fed oblivion with my co-worker, code name: Decadence Sparkleplume (a.k.a. Fancy Platinum). We fill each other in on important developments in TV-Land that one of us might have missed. Sometimes I just feel it’s more exciting and less depressing to talk about the fictional characters on TV than it is to see the reality and sadness of the state of affairs that surround us. Obviously lots of other people agree when you look at the number of viewers calling in to vote for the next ruby-throated, sugar coated American Idol winner. Too bad our next President couldn’t be elected ala American Idol style…. the voter turn out would probably surpass that of any time in history,

Latest News update: The horse thief has been nabbed….Timmy is seen giving other children high-four’s in the background behind the news caster. Apparently the horse was found under very unusual and compromising circumstances on an alleged Pony Play ranch owned by a certain local member of our County Council.

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