Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Today is another day

Yesterday was a very long day.

I went to work in the morning and by 10:30 I felt sick to my stomach and exhausted. I decided to leave for the rest of the day. I had already spoken with my insurance company and made the appointment with the new therapist.

Once I left work, I ran a few errands and made it home just in time to get a call from my doctor’s office. I had also called them earlier in the morning to see if they could fit me in for an urgent appointment (to discuss getting back on some sort of an anti-depressant). I was in luck…they could get me in at 3:00. I laid around for the next two hours trying to catch a nap, but even with feeling so tired, I could not really sleep. I feel like I’m going to sleep, but my brain doesn’t stop. I wake up every 20 minutes or so feeling like I wasn’t asleep at all. I finally just got up and left for the doctor’s office early.

In the past, I’ve taken some medications that have helped my depressive episodes, and also some that have made me 10 times worse (not to mention just plain nutso). I’ve never felt like any have truly ever been the right combination, so I gave up trying. I finally swore off anti-depressants about 7 months ago, determined to give it a try on my own. Recently, the caring words of people thinking clearier than I, have convinced me that I need a bit of chemical help through this one. My fear of going back to the “bad place” of wrong medicine scares me to death. But, being here, like this, right now is worse.

So, when I spoke with the doctor I was very clear about what types of medicine I did NOT want. No SSRI’s, PERIOD. The first time I took an SSRI (Prozac), I was sixteen and I was quickly prompted to try and kill myself. After two days in a coma, I pulled through. But, that was before people started paying attention to the link between Prozac and suicide. My medication was never blamed… The second time I took an SSRI (Paxil) was a few years ago. Unfortunately, I decided on my own it was ok to also take a prescription amphetamine (unbeknownst to my doctor) for weight loss at the same time. *Let’s just say the results were disastrous. *

I also cannot take anything with ANY type of sedative qualities or I will be a zombie. (Hell, even a simple, harmless Tylenol P.M. makes me a zombie the next day). So, after listening to me for ten minutes about what I refuse to take, the doctor prescribes me something I tried briefly once before. But, the last time I took it, he had combined it with something else and we weren’t sure which of the two meds didn’t agree with me. This time I am going to take it alone and we shall see what happens. I’m hoping above all other hopes that it works….

I left the doctor’s office and picked my son up. He was at his Dad’s house since last Tuesday and it was wonderful to see him. Huge hugs go a long way…. We went home and chit-chatted in the backyard, he jumped on his trampoline and I cleaned the pool.

A bit later the home phone rang…. It was her. Surprisingly, I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I felt like yesterday was all about trying to get my head on straight and I didn’t need any more input at the moment. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. Again, it was her and again, I didn’t answer. I felt a bit childish not answering or calling her back, but in another way it also felt like a small victory for myself. Yesterday marked the first time we had not spoken to each other for a whole day in years.

By 6:00, two of my friends stopped by to pick up my son, so I could go to the therapist’s appointment. Off I went, to meet her. She was WONDERFUL! I’ve never been able to find a therapist that I’ve liked, so this was another *big* first. I’m going to see her twice a week until I feel like I can drop down to the normal once a week. She really made me feel comfortable. She also suggested I try keeping a journal. Actually, she was the THIRD person to mention journaling to me in the last four days…lol. When that happens to me, I pay attention. I left her office and went straight to Borders to find a new blank journal.

I then picked my son back up and we headed home. I crawled into bed at about 11:00, after meditating and writing in the journal. Too bad, I was awake again after only two hours…..

Today is another day and I’m feeling a bit numb.


I n g e r said...

Numb is OK. Numb is important, for a while. Yesterday was a good day--look at everything you did to help yourself! So proud of you.

One day at a time.

pack of 2 said...

Sounds like you are on the right track.

Remember that those drugs take time to work so don't get impatient.

Space is a good thing right now. If you don't want to talk to "her" then that is your right...good for you!!!

I am so happy that you like your new doc. Sounds like a pretty productive day for you.

Congratulations on taking some steps in the right direction.

{{{SUBLIME}}}} Good job girl!!!


nancy =) said...

props to you for all that you did for you...rock on, woman =)...peace...

sttropezbutler said...

Steps...all in the right direction.


Bent Fabric said...

I'm into the chorus here and say you're on the right path.

Hopefully the drugs combined with the new kick ass therapist will lead you to a better place. You'd be surprised at the difference a good therapist will make.


biscuit said...

If you haven't tried it already, there's something called zyprexa that works really well for a friend of mine.. it's gotten bad press.. but then what drug lately hasn't..
I don't know if it's in the class that you are talking about but hey.. if it could help.. thought I would mention it.

Amgrace said...

Zyprexa has a huge side effect (no pun intented) of weight gain. I had several patients who were on it. One gained 10 pounds in one week. And couldn't get it off.

It may work for some people, but if someone already has weight issues, it's not a good choice.

freddy said...

Hey Sublime! Rejoice in the small victories. By that, I mean, you are at least self-aware to 1) think about meds 2) see a therapist and 3) get a journal. You're actually putting one foot in front of the other, and I am very happy to hear that. So maybe it works, or maybe it might not, but you're TRYing, and that is the important thing. There are LOTS of people out there who don't even get that far, to see past the problem to a potential solution. I am so proud of you for loving yourself enough to want to get to a better place, and by the looks of all these responses, I'd say you have a pretty extensive support system in addition! We're pulling for you!

stevie.be. said...

keep strong. rough times bring real peace, eventually. journaling is awesome and i hope it allows you to get things out of your system. stream of consciousness writing is good when you feel numb and can't think of anything to write ;)

AKH said...

Hi Sublime,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now, but it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Sometimes we need the help of some chemicals and a good therapist to get through and that's okay.

I hope your journal, this blog, and most importantly your son, help you get to where you want to be.

Toady Joe said...

Hey, it's progress! And YAY for that!

Oh, that girl. said...


I know what you are talking about with yoru mind racing. Its a horrible snow balling effect and I hate it. I am finally on good med and I am a much better mother, wife and friend! I AM ME AGAIN! I am proud of you! Most people can't help themselves, and this proves what a strong woman you are! Bravo!

Poochie Smooches!

Anonymous said...

It's great to here you are not feeling sorry for yourself and doing the "Oh Woeous me" routine. I am Bipolar and have been med free for 5 years. I used to be on quite a few different meds and could not finacially afford it and was sick & tired of where my life was going. So I quit drinking, I NEVER do drugs, I watch my caffine and nicotine intake, and exercise and meditate. The meditation would be a lil' like your journaling... It amazing how we stop listening to our inner thoughts and relax and take a few minutes to ourselves. I know this sounds hoakie but it beats the ups and downs and the numbness "blah" feeling times any day!!
Wishing you willpower,peace, and quiet nights...