Sunday, August 14, 2005

Still trying to breathe

the big talk finally took place
yesterday
says I forced her to face the conversation
maybe I did for my own sanity
met in a restaurant
restrained voices
my tears were another story
"I can't do this alone [life]"
words that cut me in half
at one point it was definitely over
more talking and a few soul grabbing
desperate embraces
upon parting there seemed to be some
hope

later
her phone call
I'd forced myself to spend time
with some friends
but was headed home
I asked her to meet me there
"ok"
finally a night together
"no talking about it" I said to myself
savor this momentary truce
hold onto the feeling of her touch
and the smell of her skin

I once read a poem that said
“kisses aren't contracts”
these were the first words
through my head upon waking
but still hoping for a miracle

she was the first one up this morning
gathering more of her clothes
and things
"This time together was a good thing.
I'm still going to be here for you"
but really she'll be there, not here

for me it's usually all or nothing
now I feel forced in-between
I don't do good with the unknown
choices and outcomes are
usually weighed far ahead of decisions
now feeling stuck in the void

"time apart" has now become indefinite

and my heart is officially broken

11 comments:

pack of 2 said...

{{{{{Sublime}}}}}
Hang in there. I know this is very, very difficult. I am sorry you are feeling this pain. Just get through each day & little by little & you will start to feel like you again.
We are thinking about you and are here if you need something.
I know it is hard.

Hugs to you,

Shelly

Cassarass said...

I'm so sorry.....I know how you feel. I hope things get better for you......as cliche as this is gonna sound, "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger"

Blogzie said...

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

-Washington Irving

It still hurts though, a lot.

It's just beyond shitty that you are having to go through this.

Scoobys Mama said...

I am sorry.

This is winded so bear with me.

I don’t know you personally, only from finding and reading your blog. It will get better, it doesn’t feel like it now but it will. It is hard to not let these thing consume you but it will be easier to live if you do.

Allow yourself to mourn, mourn all that you have lost. Relationships take time, energy and all that our soul has to give. Having them end unexpectedly, not by choice can often times lead to self-blame or doubt.

You have to take the time to be gentle with yourself and know that you did the best you could in this relationship and if it ended there must be a reason,(I always hate that when I hear it but it's true).

Maybe you were giving all of you but she wasn’t.

You, like anyone else out here deserves to be with someone who will give as must as take. Trying to find that someone is a difficult task to say the least. It will happen, it took me quite some time and when it did it was so easy I couldn’t believe it. The yo-yo effect will eat you alive. Either this person can be with you or not. Want has nothing to do with it, because she either is or isn’t. I have had relationships where they needed a “break” but what it always meant was sooner or later they were out of my life. The break just elongated the pain and thus made it 100 times harder to finally let go.

It is easy to be patient as first and let them do whatever they need just so you can still have a place in their life. When time passes it gets more frustrating and often time tempers flare and things get said that shouldn’t. It is those times that allow quilt to creep in and for us to then continue to be placed in a situation over and over again where we give completely and don’t receive completely.

Getting out with your dignity intact makes HER take responsibility for HER actions not you. This doesn’t say that they are a bad person just that it is a bad situation that needs to end.

Like I said, be gentle with yourself. Realize that this person whomever she is has taken a piece of your heart and you need to replenish it somehow.

It isn’t your fault, you couldn’t of done anything better, quicker or been any different. She is too wrapped up in being her right now.

You love her, probably always will. Tell yourself that you are worthy of true and constant love, that you are strong and capable of finding that. Tell yourself, I cannot, will not, settle for half of a person when I am giving fully. Tell yourself you want to know how that feels and strive for it. Tell yourself tomorrow is a new day and life will get better without her new day by new day because you have you.

Embrace your capacity to love, give and allow yourself to receive. Because you are hurting my dear and should be, this is horrible.

SassyFemme said...

I'm so, so sorry, Sublime. {{{{{ }}}}}. Scoobys mama wrote some wise words. Know that you are cared about very much by your blogging friends.

Fool said...

Sublime,

there is really no solution to it.

Certainly, it does not do you any good to think other than that the love that you experienced will never be lost. That is a fact. When my girlfriend split up with me, she said that she will always love me. I really believed her and it is true. If she loved you, she will always love you. Love is eternal. Maybe you could just act as if she said that to you, too. Use a little forgiveness... I guess you just need God. "I turn my life and my will over to the care of God..."

Take care...
Alban

RED QUILT MAKER said...

Oh, I've got such a lump in my throat and tears welling in my eyes.
I'm gonna get some pink flowers, put them in the middle of the table. That way every time I see them I'll be reminded to think about you and send good thoughts your way.
RQM

Amgrace said...

Scooby's Mama is sooo right!

I was told that my partner wanted a "break" to figure some things out. It left me confused, angry, sad, uncertain, all sorts of not so good stuff. It just seemed to be an excuse, a putting off of the inevitable and was for his benefit more than anyhing so he didn't look like the bad guy.

I've found that wanting a break is really code for "I'm going to drag this out, give you false hope, and break up with you anyway."

You know I'm only 10 1/2 hours away sublime. My offer still stands.
Love ya lots,
A.G.

sttropezbutler said...

Sublime...I am thinking of you and I'm thinking of the song Doris Day is most identified with: Que Sera Sera. It really is a maligned song for a number of reasons...but I find it somehow moving when I think about it.

I'm thinking about you, as are many others (thanks to your generosity in sharing yourself with us) and we are all sending positive feelings your way.

STB

I n g e r said...

Oh, sweetie... I'm so sorry. How painful.

Sending you a strong shoulder, and a big hug. It won't always feel like this.

freddy said...

{{{Sublime}}}

I know there are no words that could possibly comfort, but I will try anyway!

My mom once told me that "even grief is a step forward." I don't think at the time I really understood what she meant, because it felt like I couldn't take any steps forward at all. But after the tears were done, I realized that taking the time to allow myself to feel those emotions, as draining as they might have felt, paved the way for me to be able to move forward. If I had tried any other way of getting through it, I wouldn't have succeeded. So, take as long as you need to cry, eat cheescake, watch bad movies, lean on every one of our shoulders (we are here!!!)... eventually the time will come to make peace with everything and walk with your head held high. :)

Our love pours out to you!!