Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Roller Coaster Ride

Describes my life yesterday to a T.
I woke up feeling ok with it.
"Maybe it's a good thing".
Time apart (she's gone for a week)
Needs a break.
My paranoia has been out of control.

I went to work.
8 hours in front of this keyboard.
The thoughts started creeping in.
By noon, I'd surpassed even allowing myself to
be comforted by The Course.
By 5, I was alone, lonely, mad, simply sad.
"Don't call her." was my mantra.
By 6, I was home -- empty house.

"Hello"
pause
"I thought you'd drop it off at home while I was at work"
"Oh, I forgot. I'm on my way to a friend's house. I'll stop by later."
Tears rolling down cheeks.
Bottom of emotional barrel.
Worlds colliding.
Signal failed.
Frantically redialing.
"Did you hang up on me?"
"No. It's this phone."
"I don't know what else to say."
"I need to go."
Abandonment issues kick in

Ripped in two
No comfort in anything
When's this going to end
Ego, ego, ego - dramatic stage lighting
Enraged that I can't bring myself to it
I can't ruin Julian's life
Crumpled on the couch
Standing on the edge of the cliff
Close-up shot of loose rocks spilling over as I begin to lose my footing

"Call Amgrace. Pick up the phone and call her."
She answers (a miracle in it's self)
Let's me get it out, no judging, mirrors my thoughts back to me
Points me in the direction of the conclusions I already know
Anhedonia
Focus on the reality, not past, not future
"It's the depression talking. Why are you not taking any meds?"
"I wanted to try dealing with life by myself."
"Sometimes we can't do it by ourselves."
Words that resonate, life lesson I've been working on
She offers her hand to help me step down
And held my hand the whole walk back

Breathing again
Tears drying up
Wash the nicotine off my hands from the cigarettes I was
sucking down in one drag
Repairs to the heart already in progress
Off to pick up Julian

Back home 9:30
I heard it, but didn't want to know that I knew what it meant
Through the back gate
Standing on the front sidewalk
I look to the street
Car stopped, driver gets out, accessing my knowledge
Me, not wanting to get any closer
I knew, but he looked a bit crazy, young, maybe high
He mumbles something about needing directions
"I don't know"
Back in his car and leaves
I walk to the other side of my car parked out front
I already knew
He backed into it when he turned around in the neighbor's driveway
I usually pull up further when I park, to leave room for her Jeep
But not tonight, she's not coming home, I will take up both spots
Unfortunately placed directly across from neighbor's steep drive
Someone who didn't know that driveway is tricky with a car
parked across from it
No taillights on his car, good description, but didn't see the
license plate. "Not much we can do to find him." said the officer

Back in panic mode, when it rains it pours
Call to tell her
No answer
No answer
No answer
No answer
Like magic, tentative "Hello"
Relief
Long conversation - the car, us, I feel cursed, wit's end (again - still...lol)
"JUST Breathe"
Comforting
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry this is hurting you."
Not breaking up, just a break
"I love you."
"I love you too."

What I needed to hear all day.

17 comments:

Bent Fabric said...

{{{{Sublime}}}}

sttropezbutler said...

Sublime...and you are....just keep your eye on the prize!


STB

pack of 2 said...

{{{{{Sublime}}}}}

Just go by day by day & you will make it.
I'll be thinking about you.

Hang in there.

Shelly

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Sublime, I'm sorry. I thought things were better.
If it helps; I've been riding that same roller coaster for a long time now. It's not a fun one, not like the ones at Magic Mountain. This one really sucks bad. Time for ME to pull up the bench next to YOU!!!

I also didn't realize that you were a student of The Course. I've studied for years...

e-mail me if you need to talk...

recoveringstraightgirl@verizon.net

or Yahoo IM: recoveringstraightgirl

Hang in there.

Lea said...

Many hugs to you,
I understand your day all
too well.

I n g e r said...

Oh I'm sorry, S. Breathe (as someone recently counseled me...); it helps to get through it, no matter what's at the end.

Thinking about you, sending peace.

Toady Joe said...

I'm sorry you're going through all this ick. And I also wanted to commend your BEAUTIFUL writing. You touched my heart.

Jersey Boy. said...

I have had those kind of days, but yours seems particularly bad. Just know that we are all thinking fo you.

stevie.be. said...

awww. you are in my thoughts. i love the way you wrote this. pure poetry in the midst of your heartache. i hope today is better.

ps. you know what is wierd, i know this is off the subject, but i just learned what 'Anhedonia' meant not even an hour ago and now i am reading it on your blog. crazy :) i know, i'm wierd :) hehe

Sublime said...

Thank you to everyone's kind comments. This week has been a rough one, yet friends seem to be suddenly gathering behind me.

Stevie B. - Isn't that wierd! I have that happen to me quite often sometimes. For me, it usually means I should pay extra attention to the subject.

scobysmama said...

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering."
Paul Coelho

I wish you peace.....

B. said...

Awwww sweets,

Be easy on yourself. Life is a journey.

B.

sttropezbutler said...

Sublime...It's Friday..How are you?

Just checking.

STB

Trudy said...

Hugs to you, Sublime

SassyFemme said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. {{{ }}}

I n g e r said...

Checking in on you, Sublime...

sharonb said...

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