Roller Coaster Ride

Describes my life yesterday to a T.
I woke up feeling ok with it.
"Maybe it's a good thing".
Time apart (she's gone for a week)
Needs a break.
My paranoia has been out of control.

I went to work.
8 hours in front of this keyboard.
The thoughts started creeping in.
By noon, I'd surpassed even allowing myself to
be comforted by The Course.
By 5, I was alone, lonely, mad, simply sad.
"Don't call her." was my mantra.
By 6, I was home -- empty house.

"Hello"
pause
"I thought you'd drop it off at home while I was at work"
"Oh, I forgot. I'm on my way to a friend's house. I'll stop by later."
Tears rolling down cheeks.
Bottom of emotional barrel.
Worlds colliding.
Signal failed.
Frantically redialing.
"Did you hang up on me?"
"No. It's this phone."
"I don't know what else to say."
"I need to go."
Abandonment issues kick in

Ripped in two
No comfort in anything
When's this going to end
Ego, ego, ego - dramatic stage lighting
Enraged that I can't bring myself to it
I can't ruin Julian's life
Crumpled on the couch
Standing on the edge of the cliff
Close-up shot of loose rocks spilling over as I begin to lose my footing

"Call Amgrace. Pick up the phone and call her."
She answers (a miracle in it's self)
Let's me get it out, no judging, mirrors my thoughts back to me
Points me in the direction of the conclusions I already know
Anhedonia
Focus on the reality, not past, not future
"It's the depression talking. Why are you not taking any meds?"
"I wanted to try dealing with life by myself."
"Sometimes we can't do it by ourselves."
Words that resonate, life lesson I've been working on
She offers her hand to help me step down
And held my hand the whole walk back

Breathing again
Tears drying up
Wash the nicotine off my hands from the cigarettes I was
sucking down in one drag
Repairs to the heart already in progress
Off to pick up Julian

Back home 9:30
I heard it, but didn't want to know that I knew what it meant
Through the back gate
Standing on the front sidewalk
I look to the street
Car stopped, driver gets out, accessing my knowledge
Me, not wanting to get any closer
I knew, but he looked a bit crazy, young, maybe high
He mumbles something about needing directions
"I don't know"
Back in his car and leaves
I walk to the other side of my car parked out front
I already knew
He backed into it when he turned around in the neighbor's driveway
I usually pull up further when I park, to leave room for her Jeep
But not tonight, she's not coming home, I will take up both spots
Unfortunately placed directly across from neighbor's steep drive
Someone who didn't know that driveway is tricky with a car
parked across from it
No taillights on his car, good description, but didn't see the
license plate. "Not much we can do to find him." said the officer

Back in panic mode, when it rains it pours
Call to tell her
No answer
No answer
No answer
No answer
Like magic, tentative "Hello"
Relief
Long conversation - the car, us, I feel cursed, wit's end (again - still...lol)
"JUST Breathe"
Comforting
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry this is hurting you."
Not breaking up, just a break
"I love you."
"I love you too."

What I needed to hear all day.