Today is another day

Yesterday was a very long day.

I went to work in the morning and by 10:30 I felt sick to my stomach and exhausted. I decided to leave for the rest of the day. I had already spoken with my insurance company and made the appointment with the new therapist.

Once I left work, I ran a few errands and made it home just in time to get a call from my doctor’s office. I had also called them earlier in the morning to see if they could fit me in for an urgent appointment (to discuss getting back on some sort of an anti-depressant). I was in luck…they could get me in at 3:00. I laid around for the next two hours trying to catch a nap, but even with feeling so tired, I could not really sleep. I feel like I’m going to sleep, but my brain doesn’t stop. I wake up every 20 minutes or so feeling like I wasn’t asleep at all. I finally just got up and left for the doctor’s office early.

In the past, I’ve taken some medications that have helped my depressive episodes, and also some that have made me 10 times worse (not to mention just plain nutso). I’ve never felt like any have truly ever been the right combination, so I gave up trying. I finally swore off anti-depressants about 7 months ago, determined to give it a try on my own. Recently, the caring words of people thinking clearier than I, have convinced me that I need a bit of chemical help through this one. My fear of going back to the “bad place” of wrong medicine scares me to death. But, being here, like this, right now is worse.

So, when I spoke with the doctor I was very clear about what types of medicine I did NOT want. No SSRI’s, PERIOD. The first time I took an SSRI (Prozac), I was sixteen and I was quickly prompted to try and kill myself. After two days in a coma, I pulled through. But, that was before people started paying attention to the link between Prozac and suicide. My medication was never blamed… The second time I took an SSRI (Paxil) was a few years ago. Unfortunately, I decided on my own it was ok to also take a prescription amphetamine (unbeknownst to my doctor) for weight loss at the same time. *Let’s just say the results were disastrous. *

I also cannot take anything with ANY type of sedative qualities or I will be a zombie. (Hell, even a simple, harmless Tylenol P.M. makes me a zombie the next day). So, after listening to me for ten minutes about what I refuse to take, the doctor prescribes me something I tried briefly once before. But, the last time I took it, he had combined it with something else and we weren’t sure which of the two meds didn’t agree with me. This time I am going to take it alone and we shall see what happens. I’m hoping above all other hopes that it works….

I left the doctor’s office and picked my son up. He was at his Dad’s house since last Tuesday and it was wonderful to see him. Huge hugs go a long way…. We went home and chit-chatted in the backyard, he jumped on his trampoline and I cleaned the pool.

A bit later the home phone rang…. It was her. Surprisingly, I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I felt like yesterday was all about trying to get my head on straight and I didn’t need any more input at the moment. A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. Again, it was her and again, I didn’t answer. I felt a bit childish not answering or calling her back, but in another way it also felt like a small victory for myself. Yesterday marked the first time we had not spoken to each other for a whole day in years.

By 6:00, two of my friends stopped by to pick up my son, so I could go to the therapist’s appointment. Off I went, to meet her. She was WONDERFUL! I’ve never been able to find a therapist that I’ve liked, so this was another *big* first. I’m going to see her twice a week until I feel like I can drop down to the normal once a week. She really made me feel comfortable. She also suggested I try keeping a journal. Actually, she was the THIRD person to mention journaling to me in the last four days…lol. When that happens to me, I pay attention. I left her office and went straight to Borders to find a new blank journal.

I then picked my son back up and we headed home. I crawled into bed at about 11:00, after meditating and writing in the journal. Too bad, I was awake again after only two hours…..

Today is another day and I’m feeling a bit numb.